I shouldn't

[sathor]

I shouldn't be alive right now.

I just walked for about three hours straight in freezing rain from my car to home.

Not a single human being passed me by in that time.

I ditched my car.

I was drunk as fuck.

I should be dead.

Fuck you God.

Comments

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

No you should be dead if you decided to NOT ditch your car in freezing rain drunk as fuck.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Little more than ditched it.

Vaulted off the other side of the road. Missed two trees and a telephone pole by mere inches. Back left door is smashed in, window busted out. Trunk is crushed down a bit, back left lights broken out. Engine is fine. Pulled it out today. Drives like shit. Will probably get junked.

Some guy touched my face and called me pretty boy in the bar that night. Almost smashed his teeth in, but wanted to be able to go back to that bar in the future.

Gotta love divine torture.

I deserve the wrecked car. But I don't deserve the continued dislike of me by the human species in general. Eventually, it will kill me. Or I'll end up killing someone else.

[noximist.livejournal.com]

Swallowing words... swallowing words...

How is it divine torture that you reacted badly to someone's stupidity, decided to drive drunk, miraculously managed to avoid killing yourself or someone else, and made it home safe? How is any of that a reason to yell at God? You might think it's unlucky that you're alive - although I hope that's not the case, because you're a good person who has a real chance of getting away from the mess you feel like you're in - but it's certainly lucky that no one else had to die because of you.

I'm glad you're all right, and very thankful that you didn't accidentally harm someone else in a moment of bad judgement. But no one is responsible for your behaviour but you. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time with other people; that can definitely do a number on a person's self-esteem and sense of connection to the world. But driving drunk is never all right, and it's distressing to think that you're interpreting the result of that action as further proof of the unfairness of the world, rather than as an important wake-up call and a second chance. :/

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

Yea...I'd have to agree with her man. Why were you driving drunk? In freezing rain? Geeshh. And if you got hit on by a dude...shit man. Why are you so pissed? He thought you were hot. You should have just cock teased him and made him buy you some beers. And if he was doing it in the mocking condescending way....flip the table and buy him a beer and make him really uncomfortable. And I bet it would have ended with some chick hitting on you. Because gay guys are irresistibly hot. You gotta have more self confidence. I'm glad your alive :/ I wish you could just gain some self respect. I don't dislike you...

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Just speak your mind for real, it probably isn't anything I haven't heard before.

I would prefer to be dead, yeah. At least then I wouldn't have to spend another day as this miserable incarnation, cold and alone. I have nothing to offer anyone, and that's the biggest reason why there's no reason for me to continue this.

I think you already knew I felt that way. Ah well.

[noximist.livejournal.com]

Really, I'm sure I don't have to say much else. You already know why drunk driving is reprehensible. I guess it comes down to the fact that you're well within your rights to be self-destructive if that's what you really want to do - although I still think you deserve better, dude - but it is not and will never be all right to endanger the lives of others because you're unhappy.

But it's over now and it turned out all right, so don't beat yourself up about it. Just don't do it again. :p

I guess I knew you felt that way, but it's hard to accept. I don't agree that you don't have anything to offer; you're an intelligent, thoughtful, passionate man, and those traits are rare enough on their own, let alone in combination. Your town probably brings out the worst in you - I know mine did, before I moved here. So many shitty, bored, unhappy years. But I also know that that's not reassuring right now; I wouldn't be reassured by it, either. No one wants to hear that things can and will get better - they just want them to.

I just hope you stay alive long enough to see why it's a worthwhile venture. You're a plant which has outgrown its pot; it feels only its stunted roots and sees only its plastic prison. A transplant into roomier conditions will do you a world of good...

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I have all those attributes, maybe.

I will never drink and drive again. I probably won't take any risk that involves a serious chance at death again. This has made me see my own life a lot differently, and I do believe that the only reason I am still alive is because there is some purpose I have yet to fulfill.

But it doesn't fix any of the issues with my life, or the future hurdles I'm going to have to get lucky enough to overcome.

What hurts the most for me right now is not being too sure I'll be able to deal with the opposing sex well for the rest of my life. I don't want to be limited to sites like positivesingles.net, but I'm not sure I want to waste time in my future building sexless relationships and then having to drop the bomb that I have HPV, hoping they don't flee in terror after all of the hard work put in and feelings I will inevitably already have.

As if trying to start relationships weren't scary enough already.

That's what sucks the most. I can handle most everything else life can throw at me. It's getting a relationship - one significant part of my happiness - that is going to be very difficult. And it's largely why I have been so self destructive, the lack of one.

But that's life, I guess. Not every man is lucky.