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short and bittersweet
Mar. 1st, 2014 01:21 amI'll keep this one short - I'm quite exhausted. I will get around to replying more fully to some of your comments tomorrow Elen :P
Shutdown might not start for me for a couple more weeks - I'm hoping, anyway. Two months is enough...no need to tack on an extra two weeks of 10 hr nights with no days off. Once again I note to myself, I'm not sure I'll make it all the way through. I'm reaching my bullshit limit with United Refining Company. Maybe not necessarily with the company, but with some of the people it employs, who suffer from a culture of invincibility and a lack of reprimanding for poor performance and attitude. But it's not just in my small section of the plant either - it's a systemic problem. And it's not one I want to deal with for the rest of my life, either. Would I like to cruise out, and have everything work out in my life, and me to live happily ever after, with the nice paychecks? Absolutely. Is that going to happen? I really fucking doubt it.
I had my hopes dashed by a girl I've always had a thing for (she had a huge thing for me in high school, but when I didn't tattoo and pierce my entire body, she lost interest.) I added her on FB, to receive a message saying something to the effect of, "Just the person I wanted to talk to." Turns out, she was just looking for weed. I think the short conversation that occurred was her trying to make it not seem like she would utilize anyone and everyone, including myself, to get whatever she wants. I was somewhat pissed off to begin with that it was her reasoning, and I further asked if she'd like to go see a movie - she seemed alright with that - but now she hasn't spoken to me in a couple days. I imagine, it has something to do with the fact that she found someone to get her some dope. Boy, I love humans. The only time a girl contacts me for anything is when she wants something, and it's never a date, or something fun and interesting. A few years ago, I might've actually gone out of my way to obtain some weed just to have some time with a chick like her - but now that I see things the way I do, I simply can't be bothered. People should want to spend time with others for reasons besides their own chemical desires, and also have pass times that include something besides hitting a hash pipe.
So, what gives? It was a moment for me to work on my nice guyness, and I failed miserably. I told her I'd give a shot at finding it, no guarantees (I didn't even bother beyond a passing question to a good friend.) I used the event as an opportunity to get a date, which apparently isn't going to work out either. But, why go on a date with someone like that, anyway? It was merely in passing she asked how I was doing...her real intentions were apparent. Maybe if I don't get a response from her in another day, I'll say something about it and close that thread for good. I don't like to burn bridges, but I also don't like people who use others.
It seems like a precarious path to walk, that of being self-righteously non-using and expecting others not to use oneself. Because am I not using others if I intentionally go out of my way to get dates with women, to fulfill some desire of my own? But then again, I guess it is only in the case that both people have such a desire that anything works out - and for me, most of the time, the other party has no such desire with me. Maybe some day, I'll have some more traits that are attractive. Or maybe I'll resign myself to be forever single, and rationalize it by convincing myself that those whom are in relationships suffer from some obscure mental disorder.
Shutdown might not start for me for a couple more weeks - I'm hoping, anyway. Two months is enough...no need to tack on an extra two weeks of 10 hr nights with no days off. Once again I note to myself, I'm not sure I'll make it all the way through. I'm reaching my bullshit limit with United Refining Company. Maybe not necessarily with the company, but with some of the people it employs, who suffer from a culture of invincibility and a lack of reprimanding for poor performance and attitude. But it's not just in my small section of the plant either - it's a systemic problem. And it's not one I want to deal with for the rest of my life, either. Would I like to cruise out, and have everything work out in my life, and me to live happily ever after, with the nice paychecks? Absolutely. Is that going to happen? I really fucking doubt it.
I had my hopes dashed by a girl I've always had a thing for (she had a huge thing for me in high school, but when I didn't tattoo and pierce my entire body, she lost interest.) I added her on FB, to receive a message saying something to the effect of, "Just the person I wanted to talk to." Turns out, she was just looking for weed. I think the short conversation that occurred was her trying to make it not seem like she would utilize anyone and everyone, including myself, to get whatever she wants. I was somewhat pissed off to begin with that it was her reasoning, and I further asked if she'd like to go see a movie - she seemed alright with that - but now she hasn't spoken to me in a couple days. I imagine, it has something to do with the fact that she found someone to get her some dope. Boy, I love humans. The only time a girl contacts me for anything is when she wants something, and it's never a date, or something fun and interesting. A few years ago, I might've actually gone out of my way to obtain some weed just to have some time with a chick like her - but now that I see things the way I do, I simply can't be bothered. People should want to spend time with others for reasons besides their own chemical desires, and also have pass times that include something besides hitting a hash pipe.
So, what gives? It was a moment for me to work on my nice guyness, and I failed miserably. I told her I'd give a shot at finding it, no guarantees (I didn't even bother beyond a passing question to a good friend.) I used the event as an opportunity to get a date, which apparently isn't going to work out either. But, why go on a date with someone like that, anyway? It was merely in passing she asked how I was doing...her real intentions were apparent. Maybe if I don't get a response from her in another day, I'll say something about it and close that thread for good. I don't like to burn bridges, but I also don't like people who use others.
It seems like a precarious path to walk, that of being self-righteously non-using and expecting others not to use oneself. Because am I not using others if I intentionally go out of my way to get dates with women, to fulfill some desire of my own? But then again, I guess it is only in the case that both people have such a desire that anything works out - and for me, most of the time, the other party has no such desire with me. Maybe some day, I'll have some more traits that are attractive. Or maybe I'll resign myself to be forever single, and rationalize it by convincing myself that those whom are in relationships suffer from some obscure mental disorder.
