(no subject)

Understanding that I am 25 and have a job that pays very well, this makes things very difficult. It's not boring enough or monotonous enough to make me quit outright. The atmosphere isn't always bad, it's basically the best job I've ever had. Finding something that pays like this again, somewhere else, will likely be nearly impossible without me taking on incredible amounts of debt, and even then it's a career crap shoot and I challenge anyone to show me otherwise, because the statistics and facts about college education are /not pretty/ and it mostly serves to line the pockets of the owners of said colleges, and is less about education - for those who have wealthy parents or who receive a lot of financial aid (not loans) it is different, but college is mostly a four year party for most people who attend, and that's what it's designed for. I could go on and on about that. Am I fit for teaching people? No, not really, and most people aren't in classrooms to be taught anyway. So that's not even an option anymore. I am far too cynical and dark to spend my days in a lecture hall or a classroom. I don't believe in the system to begin with, so why would I bother involving myself with it?

No, I'm not secure in the knowledge my family will be here for me really, but they are all I have. The aren't even "here" for me anyway. They have their own financial problems to boot, this is why I couldn't even transfer schools after JCC. A thousand dollars isn't very much to me now, but they couldn't even come up with that to get me out of here back then. Why? I'll never know why. They've thrown tens of thousands at my sister, though.

Consider expenses. Most unskilled jobs don't pay much better than $14/h at best even if you stick with the same place for years. That's barely enough to cover rent and food and a car if you need one. Travelling at that point is impossible, Shauna. You have to have a continual source of steady income to do any of these kinds of "wealthy" actions, like moving from place to place. The catch 22 is that you can't do that while you're moving unless you have a great deal of assets at your disposal and those assets won't quickly disappear. Even $50,000 would not last that long given a terrible source of income.

I understand you want to help, but honestly, there's no helping this situation. I've been out of here and it wasn't much fucking better, why would I come back if it was? There's no escape. I play with ideas all the time in my head, and none of them are real solutions. Mostly they are sacrificing one of the only good things I have in my life (a great paying job) for the sake of the /possibility/ of a more fulfilling social life, which probably can never happen anyway considering my personality. I don't even connect with people anymore, and as I said, I don't really get positive attention from anyone.

I don't know what it's like to feel "like" anyone anymore. And I don't know what it's like to receive respect of any kind. It has come to my attention recently that most often, people only give you respect when you have something they want (social status, network, material possessions, a valuable skill they can use you for) or when they are /afraid/ of you. And I think this explains a great deal of violence in our society, people choose to do one of the only things they can do to get people to /respect/ them, so they act violently and with intense anger or intimidating personality. Other people at that stage choose to end their own lives instead of continuing to tolerate the complete isolation they experience.

I may be the problem, but I know damn well not a single person has really reached out to me in real life for years. I have reached out to numerous people, only to be walked on and rejected.

And it needs to be pointed out. I don't really suspect many people at all have experienced the kind of pervasive social issues I have. It's not as simple as bullying. It's complete isolation, Shauna. People want nothing to do with me - NOTHING - /I/ have to get a hold of even family members that I consider friends if I want to do something - they /never/ actually desire to see me outright. Outside of them, there's no one, and those that were, well, I was forced to constantly chase after them to have any kind of fucking real life conversation. I had to make all the moves and I had to do all of the work, and I had to carry all the burdens. In every relationship I ever had, friendship or romantic. My ex didn't even initiate hugs or kisses with me, never initiated cuddling whatsoever, or sex. None of it. I have been so damaged by all of these experiences /I can't possible get out of this/. And no, I really /don't think you understand/ because this is my life and no one elses, and it's insanely lonely. I have my mind, and that's all I have.

You offer a room and board, okay, but you can't offer me a stable career which gives me /the only stability I have in my life/. If I didn't have this, I would be more seriously contemplating suicide.

This is the same kind of offer that I was given in Alaska, and it turned out to be a rather awful thing. It was an experience nonetheless, but it left me feeling like a waste of space because I knew I couldn't find work good enough up there to take care of myself. An adult is supposed to take care of themselves. More and more I see, though, the people my own age are completely incapable of this, and they surround themselves with others like them.

I know this is a really convoluted response, but understand, what I'm going through right now is incredibly difficult to put into words. I can't do it any other way.