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I don't think anyone reads this anymore, and that's fine. Really. I miss a lot of what this livejournal represented when I was young...I miss the advice and the emotional connectivity...but it's all dead now. I don't have it in real life either, although I'm not sure I ever did.
A series of events has essentially brought me to a point in my life where I no longer have friends. I made the decision consciously.
Matt and Jenn, what can I say. You're fucking retarded. You've been together ten years, and you still act like children together, fighting incessantly, almost everything you do when i'm around is instigation. Matt, you treat her like shit. You treat her like a stereotypical white trash asshole. You cheat on her, you leave her alone with the baby constantly when she's not working (and you don't even work! you expect her too!) Jenn, you refuse to accept that the relationship will never meet your idealizations of him and you won't even do what's in your best interest.
You both still smoke weed, Jenn, you still smoke cigarettes, even though you barely have enough money to pay for your necessities. Your trailer is falling apart. But you have enough money for a new iPhone and a 57" flat screen television, and an xbox 360, and games, and movies, and books. You complain to me you don't have money to drink. What the fuck. I saved $30,000 in two years. Understandably my living situation is little different. But I spent a grand total of maybe $2,500 in two years (my after tax income for those two years somewhere in the area of $40,000) on entertainment and music related stuff. Your situation is ludicrous, and I can't handle listening to Jenn bitch anymore. I can't handle watching you drag her along instead of doing the right thing and ending it for good.
Rick, you fucking asshole. You've been receiving paychecks since the end of high school that have rivaled mine until the last year, for simply taking care of your uncle. Tax free. You have partied like no other. You have dragged so many underage people with so much potential into a lifestyle that is completely disgusting. You drive drunk, with underagers in the car, at dangerous speeds. I can't be your friend anymore. I can't watch that train wreck waiting to happen anymore. I enjoyed for many years some of our conversations and gaming together, but ultimately, your social life and your friends were nothing like the kind of people I need to be around. I'd rather be alone, than be around people like that.
Rob, you are still half decent, I guess. We barely ever talk. You still smoke dope like it never went out of style. Your job isn't bad, I figured you'd move right up because you've always been good at manipulating social situations to your advantage. But obviously it's not what you wanted to do, much like my circumstances. You had a kid, too, and you left her. I can't say it was a bad decision on your part, and it was definitely for her benefit from the kind of dynamic you two had. I don't understand why women tolerate the kind of treatment you and Matt give them. I never will. They seem to crave it, in a very unhealthy way. And me - well, they want nothing to do with me. I've come to accept that. Better that I be true to myself, then turn into something like that.
And me? I've had one hell of a ride. Up and down, and around and around. I graduated high school, only to lose the love of my life Valerie in my first year of college. Then I dated a past love of my life for two years. I lost her once I started my first real job, which was below my abilities, like everything else. Then I had probably the worst period of my life. I wrecked my car. I was unemployed for over a year. Luckily my cousin dragged me out of the pit and helped me get to Alaska for awhile, to try and find myself I imagine. I never really did find myself there. I came back, and started working at the best paying job in probably two-hundred miles that I'm qualified for, but also one of the strangest, and probably worst, sub-culture cult-ish companies in existence.
I still work on music, but when I drop down into a pit of depression like this, I can barely get myself to do much of anything, let alone be creative. What's the point of that though, anyway - I'm 25, and I've made only $10 from a fellow artist who gave a shit enough to donate. I don't push my music, but it's definitely had enough exposure by now to take off if it was meant to. It isn't. It just isn't good enough. It isn't what people want to hear. It isn't formal enough, or refined enough.
Kinda like me.
Never good enough. Never saying what people want to hear. Always ridiculed and ostracized, always put down and told that I have "this issue" or "that issue" or that "I'm not the kind of person they want in their life." I guess the music reflects that. So does everything else.
I may have though that I went through the darkest period, but maybe this is it. This might be the period that ends them all. At this point, I'd almost rather be dead than keep going. There's nothing left to hold on to. And my disgust with the systems in place, has only made me less inclined to ever pursue much of anything that involves jumping through hoops for someone else's benefit at my expense.
I'm trying, very hard, to find a center again. Almost everyone I know today is an atheist, a non-spiritualist. And I myself, feel myself slipping away. I was once very spiritual and very strong in that regard, and I had a center, and I had love and compassion for the world. I was on the right path. And then women, and life, and failures, and crushing defeats washed it all away.
I'm really trying to believe that there's a meaning to this, that there's a purpose. I have only been like this a handful of times in my life. I remember the other Jenn in my life telling me once, that I have to give it meaning. That there is none. Well, that's not good enough. I can't give it meaning anymore. I've suffered at the hands of people in ways that I'm not sure other people can even /fathom/ let alone /believe/. If anything, if I started writing down a recollection of those experiences, I'd probably be called insane, or It'd probably be thought that I was being melodramatic. It was never the case. It's almost as if, people, in contact with me, become demons. For whatever reason, who I am, what I am, draws out their darkness and focuses it on me. I can't understand it. Whether it's some kind of martyr trait I have, or some kind of spiritual essence, or just plain old bad luck.
I've had so many bad experiences, that it has painted my whole life black. I can't latch on to the positive anymore, because I can't see it. Even the positives are connected to the multitudes of negatives. And the problem is, now I am regularly having women tell me, I'm simply too negative for them to keep me in their life. I can't do anything about it anymore. Every time it's said, or indicated, it only further reinforces the attitude. It seems like I can't find someone to just accept me for who I am, as I am, at this moment, or any other. It's as if they don't exist.
I'm so frustrated, and broken down. On the verge of leaving my job just to do something else, anything else, no matter the consequences. But I'm not sure it's the right course of action. And in a large way, it feels that if I were to do that, I'd be giving in to whatever temptations this current mind/body/spirit state is bringing over me. Beckoning me to throw it all away.
A series of events has essentially brought me to a point in my life where I no longer have friends. I made the decision consciously.
Matt and Jenn, what can I say. You're fucking retarded. You've been together ten years, and you still act like children together, fighting incessantly, almost everything you do when i'm around is instigation. Matt, you treat her like shit. You treat her like a stereotypical white trash asshole. You cheat on her, you leave her alone with the baby constantly when she's not working (and you don't even work! you expect her too!) Jenn, you refuse to accept that the relationship will never meet your idealizations of him and you won't even do what's in your best interest.
You both still smoke weed, Jenn, you still smoke cigarettes, even though you barely have enough money to pay for your necessities. Your trailer is falling apart. But you have enough money for a new iPhone and a 57" flat screen television, and an xbox 360, and games, and movies, and books. You complain to me you don't have money to drink. What the fuck. I saved $30,000 in two years. Understandably my living situation is little different. But I spent a grand total of maybe $2,500 in two years (my after tax income for those two years somewhere in the area of $40,000) on entertainment and music related stuff. Your situation is ludicrous, and I can't handle listening to Jenn bitch anymore. I can't handle watching you drag her along instead of doing the right thing and ending it for good.
Rick, you fucking asshole. You've been receiving paychecks since the end of high school that have rivaled mine until the last year, for simply taking care of your uncle. Tax free. You have partied like no other. You have dragged so many underage people with so much potential into a lifestyle that is completely disgusting. You drive drunk, with underagers in the car, at dangerous speeds. I can't be your friend anymore. I can't watch that train wreck waiting to happen anymore. I enjoyed for many years some of our conversations and gaming together, but ultimately, your social life and your friends were nothing like the kind of people I need to be around. I'd rather be alone, than be around people like that.
Rob, you are still half decent, I guess. We barely ever talk. You still smoke dope like it never went out of style. Your job isn't bad, I figured you'd move right up because you've always been good at manipulating social situations to your advantage. But obviously it's not what you wanted to do, much like my circumstances. You had a kid, too, and you left her. I can't say it was a bad decision on your part, and it was definitely for her benefit from the kind of dynamic you two had. I don't understand why women tolerate the kind of treatment you and Matt give them. I never will. They seem to crave it, in a very unhealthy way. And me - well, they want nothing to do with me. I've come to accept that. Better that I be true to myself, then turn into something like that.
And me? I've had one hell of a ride. Up and down, and around and around. I graduated high school, only to lose the love of my life Valerie in my first year of college. Then I dated a past love of my life for two years. I lost her once I started my first real job, which was below my abilities, like everything else. Then I had probably the worst period of my life. I wrecked my car. I was unemployed for over a year. Luckily my cousin dragged me out of the pit and helped me get to Alaska for awhile, to try and find myself I imagine. I never really did find myself there. I came back, and started working at the best paying job in probably two-hundred miles that I'm qualified for, but also one of the strangest, and probably worst, sub-culture cult-ish companies in existence.
I still work on music, but when I drop down into a pit of depression like this, I can barely get myself to do much of anything, let alone be creative. What's the point of that though, anyway - I'm 25, and I've made only $10 from a fellow artist who gave a shit enough to donate. I don't push my music, but it's definitely had enough exposure by now to take off if it was meant to. It isn't. It just isn't good enough. It isn't what people want to hear. It isn't formal enough, or refined enough.
Kinda like me.
Never good enough. Never saying what people want to hear. Always ridiculed and ostracized, always put down and told that I have "this issue" or "that issue" or that "I'm not the kind of person they want in their life." I guess the music reflects that. So does everything else.
I may have though that I went through the darkest period, but maybe this is it. This might be the period that ends them all. At this point, I'd almost rather be dead than keep going. There's nothing left to hold on to. And my disgust with the systems in place, has only made me less inclined to ever pursue much of anything that involves jumping through hoops for someone else's benefit at my expense.
I'm trying, very hard, to find a center again. Almost everyone I know today is an atheist, a non-spiritualist. And I myself, feel myself slipping away. I was once very spiritual and very strong in that regard, and I had a center, and I had love and compassion for the world. I was on the right path. And then women, and life, and failures, and crushing defeats washed it all away.
I'm really trying to believe that there's a meaning to this, that there's a purpose. I have only been like this a handful of times in my life. I remember the other Jenn in my life telling me once, that I have to give it meaning. That there is none. Well, that's not good enough. I can't give it meaning anymore. I've suffered at the hands of people in ways that I'm not sure other people can even /fathom/ let alone /believe/. If anything, if I started writing down a recollection of those experiences, I'd probably be called insane, or It'd probably be thought that I was being melodramatic. It was never the case. It's almost as if, people, in contact with me, become demons. For whatever reason, who I am, what I am, draws out their darkness and focuses it on me. I can't understand it. Whether it's some kind of martyr trait I have, or some kind of spiritual essence, or just plain old bad luck.
I've had so many bad experiences, that it has painted my whole life black. I can't latch on to the positive anymore, because I can't see it. Even the positives are connected to the multitudes of negatives. And the problem is, now I am regularly having women tell me, I'm simply too negative for them to keep me in their life. I can't do anything about it anymore. Every time it's said, or indicated, it only further reinforces the attitude. It seems like I can't find someone to just accept me for who I am, as I am, at this moment, or any other. It's as if they don't exist.
I'm so frustrated, and broken down. On the verge of leaving my job just to do something else, anything else, no matter the consequences. But I'm not sure it's the right course of action. And in a large way, it feels that if I were to do that, I'd be giving in to whatever temptations this current mind/body/spirit state is bringing over me. Beckoning me to throw it all away.
