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Feb. 8th, 2010
I was sitting in the car at Wal-Mart because I was too hungover to open my eyes.
What I realized is that a big part of my anxiety and negative perspective on the world comes from my vision.
There's something about vision I don't trust. Sitting there, with my eyes closed, and listening to all the sounds in the three-dimensional stereo field...it was more beautiful than looking at the world. I don't think I see beauty in vision anymore. I do, but not like most people, I think.
The more abstract the sense, the more truthful it is...
It's like, the voice of a woman, that is beautiful...I miss having a lover who will whisper things in my ears.
What I realized is that a big part of my anxiety and negative perspective on the world comes from my vision.
There's something about vision I don't trust. Sitting there, with my eyes closed, and listening to all the sounds in the three-dimensional stereo field...it was more beautiful than looking at the world. I don't think I see beauty in vision anymore. I do, but not like most people, I think.
The more abstract the sense, the more truthful it is...
It's like, the voice of a woman, that is beautiful...I miss having a lover who will whisper things in my ears.
Beginning to think that I'm a psychic vampire.
Yep.
Because when I'm in areas with people ultimately I end up feeling a fuck of a lot better emotionally.
When I was down in the city with Justin I remember being euphoric almost the entire time...and no this was not a result of a marijuana binge...the fact is it would've been the same had we all been hanging out drinking or doing anything else for that matter.
The longer I -stay- out here, it seems, the more destitute and emotionally devoid I become. I'm not even sure this is a result of psychic vampirism...maybe it's that human beings need to be around the life force of other human beings, and the more the better. Or maybe just some of us do.
But for some reason, even in Warren I don't feel the connectedness unless I'm in a really concentrated area, like a Wal-Mart parking lot. I think when i closed my eyes I keyed myself into the energy flows. It's something I haven't done in a very long, long time.
Either way, this summer will be the last I spend in rural pennsylvania if I have it my way.
I also want to get away from Matt, to be brutally honest. The friendship has really reached its tipping point and I don't really agree with his perceptions on much of anything anymore. He's turning into a capitalist that believes assertiveness and being an asshole is the key to success. Maybe it is, but it's certainly not the way I want to go about life. He -is- an asshole, he -is- dependent on other people to take care of him, in some ways more than my self, even though he constantly puts me down for the fact I still live with my parents. He blows most of his money at bars, he's never held a job longer than I have, and I've lost a great deal of respect for him. It's not just that, but being out with him people -associate- me with him, and I don't like that at all. I'm -NOT- like him, and it's really infuriating to be lumped into the same category of person -as- him. He's good natured but only to his friends. I was talking to a guy who is about to be evicted from his home in dead winter, laid off, unemployment isn't enough for him to make ends meet. He was really, really drunk, but I understood enough to comprehend his situation. I understood his suffering and I wanted to talk to him because I know everyone else in the bar was -treating him like shit- and that's just absolutely FUCKING WRONG.
Matt called him a leech, a drain on society, and I said, "By that logic you mean all traditional Buddhists are leeches" because they ONLY accept alms from those fortunate enough to have and willing enough to give. The man in question was not a Buddhist but it is absolutely besides the point. We live in one of the richest nations of the world, and yet we still don't have socialized healthcare, our systems for helping out individuals like him are completely lacking, and we'd rather funnel money into third world countries than take care of our own. Honestly, I'm getting real sick and tired of the me first attitude in this area and in America in general - I have a feeling it's because most of the people here are TRAPPED and they feel like whatever comforts they have are something they can't share even a small bit of. I think a great deal of the greed and individualism and elitism is a result of the system...I found out most college economics classes teach greed and selfishness as the first building block of our economic system...and it's ABSOLUTELY REPULSIVE.
It makes me -want- to go live in a monastery the rest of my life.
Yep.
Because when I'm in areas with people ultimately I end up feeling a fuck of a lot better emotionally.
When I was down in the city with Justin I remember being euphoric almost the entire time...and no this was not a result of a marijuana binge...the fact is it would've been the same had we all been hanging out drinking or doing anything else for that matter.
The longer I -stay- out here, it seems, the more destitute and emotionally devoid I become. I'm not even sure this is a result of psychic vampirism...maybe it's that human beings need to be around the life force of other human beings, and the more the better. Or maybe just some of us do.
But for some reason, even in Warren I don't feel the connectedness unless I'm in a really concentrated area, like a Wal-Mart parking lot. I think when i closed my eyes I keyed myself into the energy flows. It's something I haven't done in a very long, long time.
Either way, this summer will be the last I spend in rural pennsylvania if I have it my way.
I also want to get away from Matt, to be brutally honest. The friendship has really reached its tipping point and I don't really agree with his perceptions on much of anything anymore. He's turning into a capitalist that believes assertiveness and being an asshole is the key to success. Maybe it is, but it's certainly not the way I want to go about life. He -is- an asshole, he -is- dependent on other people to take care of him, in some ways more than my self, even though he constantly puts me down for the fact I still live with my parents. He blows most of his money at bars, he's never held a job longer than I have, and I've lost a great deal of respect for him. It's not just that, but being out with him people -associate- me with him, and I don't like that at all. I'm -NOT- like him, and it's really infuriating to be lumped into the same category of person -as- him. He's good natured but only to his friends. I was talking to a guy who is about to be evicted from his home in dead winter, laid off, unemployment isn't enough for him to make ends meet. He was really, really drunk, but I understood enough to comprehend his situation. I understood his suffering and I wanted to talk to him because I know everyone else in the bar was -treating him like shit- and that's just absolutely FUCKING WRONG.
Matt called him a leech, a drain on society, and I said, "By that logic you mean all traditional Buddhists are leeches" because they ONLY accept alms from those fortunate enough to have and willing enough to give. The man in question was not a Buddhist but it is absolutely besides the point. We live in one of the richest nations of the world, and yet we still don't have socialized healthcare, our systems for helping out individuals like him are completely lacking, and we'd rather funnel money into third world countries than take care of our own. Honestly, I'm getting real sick and tired of the me first attitude in this area and in America in general - I have a feeling it's because most of the people here are TRAPPED and they feel like whatever comforts they have are something they can't share even a small bit of. I think a great deal of the greed and individualism and elitism is a result of the system...I found out most college economics classes teach greed and selfishness as the first building block of our economic system...and it's ABSOLUTELY REPULSIVE.
It makes me -want- to go live in a monastery the rest of my life.