So...hmm.

For some reason, shit is back on my mind again. So I decided to take another leap and look into this concept of emotional abuse in relationships with regards to men being abused by women.

* She was verbally abused as a child, witnessed it in her own family, or was verbally abused by a previous partner. - Yes

* She has low self-esteem. - Yes

* She has an intense temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments. - Yes

* Her sense of power or control depends on her partner's acquiescence and his performance per her demands. She feels "in control" only if her partner is totally passive and giving in to all of her preferences and decisions. - Yes

* She has rigid expectations or fantasies of marriage, partnership, or men, and will not compromise. She expects him to behave according to her expectations of what her partner should be like; perhaps the way her parents' marriage was, or its opposite. She demands that he change to accommodate her expectations. - Yes

* She projects the blame for all relationship difficulties onto her partner. She wouldn't get angry if only he would be who she wants him to be... She wouldn't drink if he didn't make her unhappy... She denies the need for counseling because there's "nothing wrong with her, only with him." She might not want him to get counseling because she's threatened by the threat of an outsider "taking sides" with him. - Yes

* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates. - Yes

* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Her primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with her husband/boyfriend. - Yes

* She may be described as having a dual personality -- she is either sweet or exceptionally cruel and sharp. She is selfish or generous depending on her mood. - Yes

* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. She can be sweet, calm, charming and convincing. - Yes

* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to her partner as a person in his own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when she's angry. She assumes that he is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often her father (or other family member or authority figure). - Yes

Cookie abused me. Unfortunately, Val manages to be a Yes for most of these as well.

Uhm, so what the fuck?

The worst part is, a lot of the websites that supposedly tote any kind of support for victims of emotional abuse are targeted towards women, and -overwhelmingly- make it out as if the -woman- can -never be the abuser-. This -makes me sick-.

To be honest, I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need some kind of fucking therapy if I'm ever going to get over this and be a healthy human being again. To make matters worse I think I probably have intentionally forgotten a great deal of what went on, especially with Val. I barely remember what happened with Cookie...I know a large part of the time I was depressed, and over time my self esteem was reduced completely into nothingness...and I've barely recovered any of it in over a year.

I know that we had arguments, I can remember circumstances where maybe -I- was abusing, too...but I also remember that every time I raised my voice, or got vicious, I had been tolerating it for quite awhile in reverse while trying to fix the situation before it got any worse.