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[sathor]

I dreamt there was a great fire, and all of my worldly possessions were destroyed.

If Duquesne or any of my other choices over the coming months take me...I'll get to have a chance to start over.

It's pretty fucking liberating to know I'm going to be getting out of here for good shortly.

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[sathor.livejournal.com]

It mainly becomes at some point (for me), knowing what it is I want to become a master of, and knowing that the more time I spend apart from that, the less masterful I will be come the end of my lifetime.

Hence, I really only spend my time reading philosophy of some kind, and working with music, and writing. These are the three things that I really care about, and they have a great deal of meaning for me. There's not really a single "job" I could get, if I went for a specific major, that would please me - except for teaching. Otherwise, no matter what I do, I'll be - for the most part - unhappy with it. This is unfortunate, but hey - I don't want to be an engineer, I don't want to be a computer programmer, I don't want to be an accountant, I don't want to be any of the myriad types of researchers and scientists. I know what I want to be, and technically, I don't need any education to do it. I can write from now until the day I die, not make a dime from it - but at least I'll have been happy doing it. I can make music from now until the day I die, not make a dime from it - but at least I'll have been happy doing it.

That's really the key, you know. I can read philosophy for the next year, and probably get more texts under my belt than most six-year students have. I already have more than most two-year students. Not to mention other various classical literature, albeit translated. Those are where the real giants are - and modern anything, for the most part, is abhorrent to me. The writing is sick and atrophied comparably. The lifelessness of standardized college textbooks is horrifying.

The question is becoming whether or not I really care to even bother going back. I'd like to, but on the other hand, do I want to put myself that much in debt, do I want to carry that burden while still trying to achieve the same things I do today, and have for years? Is $87.67/mo enough as it is, or do I need to double that, triple that, quadruple that - or maybe go past the point where I can live as a wage slave at all? Ultimately, a liberal arts major is asking for nothing more than wage slavery. Regardless of how incredibly intellectual, they have no materialistic skill that society oh-so-adores. It takes a great deal of luck, timing and networking, talent aside.

Sometimes I think about going to live in a Buddhist monastery. Beg for food. That sort of thing. It certainly would be better than playing any part in the three-ring-circus better known as humanity. They haven't treated me very well so far - if the luck doesn't change, I may have to give up the desire for it to.

One other thought: No matter what job I imagine myself in, there's only one that ultimately leads to any kind of satisfaction. There are others I am probably unaware of, but I doubt I will ever have access to them. The beauty of teaching to me is that it adds many chaotic variables, and that no day will be exactly the same. Most wage slavery can't say the same. There's something calming about that idea. Getting back into the workforce right now, economy side, is difficult for another reason - because I'm not sure how much longer I can take the monotony of repetitive tasks.