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I remember.
Jul. 9th, 2009 08:38 pmYes, I remember all of you.
I remember the guy who I made obsessed with Rhapsody on ADP. I miss you brother, even though I figure I'll probably never talk to you again.
I remember you, Sarah (Noxi). You helped me a lot over the years, you evolved me intellectually, and I think you probably made me quite a bit less afraid of the true academic world. I also had a huge crush on you - maybe I still do? Oh well ;)
I'll always love you and miss you, Noxi.
I remember you, Scott. I remember you telling me you had to shock me to get me over Cass. I remember how much it hurt when you all ganged up on me. I don't think it helped, but maybe it did. I miss you, and I love you.
I remember you, Geoff. I miss you, and I wish you'd send me emails more often. But I know you probably don't spend a lot of time on the computer, and I know you probably won't read this. I love you, and miss you.
As for the group above, I wish we all lived nearby one-another. I wish we could've had real physical friendships - or could have in the future. I really do. I wish the world wasn't so limiting, financially, socially...you were all some of THE most interesting people I ever met, and it was bullshit I didn't grow up with you around me. Valerie used to tell me she believed that people incarnate in groups, over and over again. Well, I think you were my group. And I don't know why we didn't incarnate together. I miss and love all of you, so very much.
I remember you, Jenei (Lilacwolf). I remember calling you near New Years or Christmas, when you were at your dad's job in Denver overnight. I remember talking to you until the morning, and my mother flipping out because I called some girl that lived in colorado ;) I remember you telling me to move out there with you, so we could walk the streets and scare children. I think you had a thing for me...but then you met Josh ;) I love you and miss you.
I remember you, Christie. But I can't remember the alias you used on Awake. I remember talking to you and your sister for hours about metaphysics and philosophy and spirituality (although I don't believe I had the word metaphysics in my vocabulary at the time.) I remember proclaiming my undying love for you. Hah, I was such an emo kid. I love you and miss you, and I hope your children grow up to be as kind, honest, and spiritual as you were.
I remember you, Cookie. I remember riding in your aunt's SUV from my house, stopping where your grandparents lived, going to your house in pleasantville. Taking a long walk, with innocent kisses and plenty of love and sunlight, and me curling my arms around you as you sat in my lap at the playground. I remember riding my KLR 250 over to your grandparents for the second round years later, and you wiping the dirt from my nose - I remember kissing you there, that first day, too. I remember the first time we had sex, and how nervous I was, how worried I was, but how much my heart ached for you. I love you, and I miss you, Cookie. I hope you never forget that birthday present, and I hope some day you can realize the connection that we will always have, and the love in your heart that will never die.
I remember you, Val. I remember the first time we met. I remember asking if I could kiss you in the smoking room at the rink, and admitting I didn't have much experience - so not to expect anything good. I remember the pretzels you always got me through your band fundraiser every year. I remember camping with your father and all of his friends. I remember the first time we had sex, how it really didn't work out... I don't know if you were a virgin, and I don't really care......I also remember the record we hold, and I know that of the two partners I had, I was more capable as a lover to you. I miss you, I miss the you that wasn't on drugs all the time, around people who do drugs all the time. I miss the you that had high aspirations that weren't material in nature. I miss the you that wasn't damaged like you are. And I wish I knew why you are so damaged, even though I tried my hardest to help heal you in every way. I miss you and I love you. And I hope, even though you are moving far away, that you will never forget me, and you will find that connection and love in your heart some day that will never die, as I have.
I remember you, Cass. I remember you giving me my first kiss, when you, your brother and I were all drunk on ammarato, stumbling around Tidioute. I remember how long it lasted...way longer than just an innocent kiss...and I remember your brother telling me that it lasted multiple minutes. It felt like an eternity to me. I remember sitting under the railroad bridge in Warren with you, after illegally crossing it, drunk on Captain Morgan (after I had it in my bondage pants pocket, chatting with a cop in Kwik Fill at 2am.) I remember your room at that house, in the attic, with your little bed we curled up in together. I remember the CD I made you, with probably what I would consider the best musical selection even today, as it played in the background while we felt eachother up and made out. I remember not being able to go the whole way with you - you would have been my first - but I was so afraid, so young, so inexperienced. And you were so much more than me. I remember how beautiful you were in just a bra and panties. I remember the taste of your lips, so fragile and moist they always felt, nothing like the lips I kissed after you. I remember...gods, I remember. I love you Cass, I miss you, and I hope that Mark, you, and your now multiple children do very well, and live a happy life. I remember, after you hurt me so badly, seeing you in the rink one last time...you came up behind me, and hugged me, and I felt that connection again. Cass, I never felt that with anyone else, truly. I never felt it again. There was something special between us. I hope you felt it too - although, I know you did. Because while you told me if I was older, you would marry me right then...you also told your brother that at a later date. It's too bad things worked out the way they did, but I know the world goes the way it will. I miss you and love you. And I think secretly, I will always hope that, maybe when we are both in our 30s or 40s, you'll be single, and so will I, and you will finally be my high priestess, and me your high priest. I just wish that we could stay in touch...but with your relationship with Matt now, I don't know how I could justify it without frightening or hurting Mark.
I remember you, Regina. I remember you being the source of my first depression, and probably the original force of the Anima in my life. I remember how stupid it was for me to try dating at that age, but I also remember how you were the best looking girl near my age in the entire school, and you /actually went out with me/. I remember talking on the phone to you, after being called in from my Dad's garage. I remember your brother, too.
I remember you, Ally, meeting you and your friends at the Mall one day - we saw eachother in the arcade. I remember, in a way, probably breaking your heart. Everything comes full circle, doesn't it?
Given a long enough timeline, I do believe we receive in full what we've done. There is no escape from fate and karma. I have known this for a very long time. But, I believe that I am a strange case...because when I am harmed I want instant return...but that is not the way it has worked in my life, and I can not expect that of others. And now, I would not even wish negativity on those who have hurt me. Only undying love and understanding.
I am sick with guilt for the negative things I have done in this life. I wish that I could have been "sinless"...like I strive to be now. I am the mediator, I am the guy who is friends with everyone. I am the guy who the world loves. I am the hard worker, who earns respect from every single person in entire workplaces. But it doesn't change what I have been in the past, the curses I have spewed forth, the selfish acts I have performed. I can not take it away. But I can hope that they are not enough to remove all chance for greatness, happiness and love in my life.
But I am also lonely, I am also tired, and I am also frustrated and frightened. I am old, with withered eyes. I wear a wide-brimmed pointy hat, and wield a staff in one hand and a guitar in the other.
I do not know where this ride will take me, but I do know that i can not end here.
I could go on and on about the people I remember...but some of them just aren't worth the effort...they hurt me, they turned on me, they left me...not like my lovers, whom I understand.
I really wish I could heal all of you...I wish I could matyr myself and make this world perfect for you...because I know that I am old and tired, and I would rather that all of you could spend eternity happy, loving, understanding...than for myself to achieve all of my desires.
I remember the guy who I made obsessed with Rhapsody on ADP. I miss you brother, even though I figure I'll probably never talk to you again.
I remember you, Sarah (Noxi). You helped me a lot over the years, you evolved me intellectually, and I think you probably made me quite a bit less afraid of the true academic world. I also had a huge crush on you - maybe I still do? Oh well ;)
I'll always love you and miss you, Noxi.
I remember you, Scott. I remember you telling me you had to shock me to get me over Cass. I remember how much it hurt when you all ganged up on me. I don't think it helped, but maybe it did. I miss you, and I love you.
I remember you, Geoff. I miss you, and I wish you'd send me emails more often. But I know you probably don't spend a lot of time on the computer, and I know you probably won't read this. I love you, and miss you.
As for the group above, I wish we all lived nearby one-another. I wish we could've had real physical friendships - or could have in the future. I really do. I wish the world wasn't so limiting, financially, socially...you were all some of THE most interesting people I ever met, and it was bullshit I didn't grow up with you around me. Valerie used to tell me she believed that people incarnate in groups, over and over again. Well, I think you were my group. And I don't know why we didn't incarnate together. I miss and love all of you, so very much.
I remember you, Jenei (Lilacwolf). I remember calling you near New Years or Christmas, when you were at your dad's job in Denver overnight. I remember talking to you until the morning, and my mother flipping out because I called some girl that lived in colorado ;) I remember you telling me to move out there with you, so we could walk the streets and scare children. I think you had a thing for me...but then you met Josh ;) I love you and miss you.
I remember you, Christie. But I can't remember the alias you used on Awake. I remember talking to you and your sister for hours about metaphysics and philosophy and spirituality (although I don't believe I had the word metaphysics in my vocabulary at the time.) I remember proclaiming my undying love for you. Hah, I was such an emo kid. I love you and miss you, and I hope your children grow up to be as kind, honest, and spiritual as you were.
I remember you, Cookie. I remember riding in your aunt's SUV from my house, stopping where your grandparents lived, going to your house in pleasantville. Taking a long walk, with innocent kisses and plenty of love and sunlight, and me curling my arms around you as you sat in my lap at the playground. I remember riding my KLR 250 over to your grandparents for the second round years later, and you wiping the dirt from my nose - I remember kissing you there, that first day, too. I remember the first time we had sex, and how nervous I was, how worried I was, but how much my heart ached for you. I love you, and I miss you, Cookie. I hope you never forget that birthday present, and I hope some day you can realize the connection that we will always have, and the love in your heart that will never die.
I remember you, Val. I remember the first time we met. I remember asking if I could kiss you in the smoking room at the rink, and admitting I didn't have much experience - so not to expect anything good. I remember the pretzels you always got me through your band fundraiser every year. I remember camping with your father and all of his friends. I remember the first time we had sex, how it really didn't work out... I don't know if you were a virgin, and I don't really care......I also remember the record we hold, and I know that of the two partners I had, I was more capable as a lover to you. I miss you, I miss the you that wasn't on drugs all the time, around people who do drugs all the time. I miss the you that had high aspirations that weren't material in nature. I miss the you that wasn't damaged like you are. And I wish I knew why you are so damaged, even though I tried my hardest to help heal you in every way. I miss you and I love you. And I hope, even though you are moving far away, that you will never forget me, and you will find that connection and love in your heart some day that will never die, as I have.
I remember you, Cass. I remember you giving me my first kiss, when you, your brother and I were all drunk on ammarato, stumbling around Tidioute. I remember how long it lasted...way longer than just an innocent kiss...and I remember your brother telling me that it lasted multiple minutes. It felt like an eternity to me. I remember sitting under the railroad bridge in Warren with you, after illegally crossing it, drunk on Captain Morgan (after I had it in my bondage pants pocket, chatting with a cop in Kwik Fill at 2am.) I remember your room at that house, in the attic, with your little bed we curled up in together. I remember the CD I made you, with probably what I would consider the best musical selection even today, as it played in the background while we felt eachother up and made out. I remember not being able to go the whole way with you - you would have been my first - but I was so afraid, so young, so inexperienced. And you were so much more than me. I remember how beautiful you were in just a bra and panties. I remember the taste of your lips, so fragile and moist they always felt, nothing like the lips I kissed after you. I remember...gods, I remember. I love you Cass, I miss you, and I hope that Mark, you, and your now multiple children do very well, and live a happy life. I remember, after you hurt me so badly, seeing you in the rink one last time...you came up behind me, and hugged me, and I felt that connection again. Cass, I never felt that with anyone else, truly. I never felt it again. There was something special between us. I hope you felt it too - although, I know you did. Because while you told me if I was older, you would marry me right then...you also told your brother that at a later date. It's too bad things worked out the way they did, but I know the world goes the way it will. I miss you and love you. And I think secretly, I will always hope that, maybe when we are both in our 30s or 40s, you'll be single, and so will I, and you will finally be my high priestess, and me your high priest. I just wish that we could stay in touch...but with your relationship with Matt now, I don't know how I could justify it without frightening or hurting Mark.
I remember you, Regina. I remember you being the source of my first depression, and probably the original force of the Anima in my life. I remember how stupid it was for me to try dating at that age, but I also remember how you were the best looking girl near my age in the entire school, and you /actually went out with me/. I remember talking on the phone to you, after being called in from my Dad's garage. I remember your brother, too.
I remember you, Ally, meeting you and your friends at the Mall one day - we saw eachother in the arcade. I remember, in a way, probably breaking your heart. Everything comes full circle, doesn't it?
Given a long enough timeline, I do believe we receive in full what we've done. There is no escape from fate and karma. I have known this for a very long time. But, I believe that I am a strange case...because when I am harmed I want instant return...but that is not the way it has worked in my life, and I can not expect that of others. And now, I would not even wish negativity on those who have hurt me. Only undying love and understanding.
I am sick with guilt for the negative things I have done in this life. I wish that I could have been "sinless"...like I strive to be now. I am the mediator, I am the guy who is friends with everyone. I am the guy who the world loves. I am the hard worker, who earns respect from every single person in entire workplaces. But it doesn't change what I have been in the past, the curses I have spewed forth, the selfish acts I have performed. I can not take it away. But I can hope that they are not enough to remove all chance for greatness, happiness and love in my life.
But I am also lonely, I am also tired, and I am also frustrated and frightened. I am old, with withered eyes. I wear a wide-brimmed pointy hat, and wield a staff in one hand and a guitar in the other.
I do not know where this ride will take me, but I do know that i can not end here.
I could go on and on about the people I remember...but some of them just aren't worth the effort...they hurt me, they turned on me, they left me...not like my lovers, whom I understand.
I really wish I could heal all of you...I wish I could matyr myself and make this world perfect for you...because I know that I am old and tired, and I would rather that all of you could spend eternity happy, loving, understanding...than for myself to achieve all of my desires.
