Just additions to the last post

Getting depressed again...I was out of it for a couple days at least...

I'm running out of pot too, and I'm saving the last bit I have for a really rainy day (not whatever this is...this needs solved quickly though, or my grades are going to drop fast)

See, it's everything that's happening in the world and here now...I'm beginning to wonder what purpose i'm gonna serve in life. If i can't find love, life isn't going to be worth living. Period, end, that's it.

If I can't find love, I'm not going to want to live anymore. I don't want to lose all motivation to living, but it's going that way. I just...can't do this anymore...

I know moving on is a part of life. But moving on is going to be too hard for me. I can't move on and lose any of the friends I have now, because they are all I have. When i go to college, there's not much chance for me to make friends because I have nil for social skills. People have to come to me, or, i'm a total outcast.


And i can never walk the path to enlightenment because I cannot let go of cassandra and matt. I don't know how to stop hating them and being able to care about them again, so i can say i care for all people and things. Beyond them, however...how can i say i care about bush, or about saddam...how can i say such things, when one has committed atrocities, and the other is about to, not to mention the other is taking away rights and ect....rights in the past that were fought and died for...

How can anyone walk the path to enlightenment in this day and age?

I will still try however...but somehow i have to give up on matt and cass...give up totally. Maybe if i make a vow never to speak to either of them ever again, i can care for them somehow.

Whatever, though. I haven't been able to draw for over five weeks now. I don't know why, and I think it's because i'm distressed inside. My soul feels like it's being ripped asunder again...

Like a big hole keeps expanding inside.

And I liked this girl for awhile. I got sick and i wasn't able to go to a dance with her. Now i'm distancing myself from her for some reason. I'm distancing myself from her, and even my friends. EQ isn't life, i've been off of it most of the day after i dinged 35 off hill giants. But it's really weird...I just want my old life back. I don't want to have to need EQ, I want my weekends with rick and D and a game of D&D and then ps2.

I want our band idea to work. I want kyle to get another guitar so i have one to play while i sing. I want to be able to express myself thoroughly...as long as I can...I just want to be happy again.

Happy, content, whatever. I was ecstatic with cass. Why can't I have that again?

Never going to survive this world...

Too much pain and agony. There's just too much. I can heal people all i want, and make them feel good, but It's still not going to help me. And now I can't even help myself. Bullshit if karma is real, because All i've done throughout my entire life is help people, and this is what i get. I helped people learn stuff in school they had trouble with, always stuck up for the kid getting picked on even if i wasn't fond of him much...and now these days i give people support when they're down and even heal their ailments...and i don't heal fast when i'm sick or hurting, and i never get up from downs unless i'm really lucky.

So this is what this life for me is about. Pain and agony. I am in a real life hell. I guess i must've committed so many atrocities in a past life, that I can never make up for them ever again.

Goodbye for now, all those that still read my entires. I'm pretty sure it's not even worth my time to type these long ones anymore.

All the people of the past have gone, and I'm left with whatever remnants still exist.