Maybe I'm a Lion...
Sep. 24th, 2009 02:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorBack in the day, when I wrote journal entries, I always had music going. I have to be honest - It has been quite awhile since I listened to music in my home other than my own. The only time I listen to other artists is usually in my car - and it's the same bands I listened to when I was in high school.
Tool, Nine Inch Nails, A Perfect Circle, Infected Mushroom, various Remix and Electronic artists, Orgy, Kamelot, Pagan's Mind...
My tastes haven't really developed, except that I listen to classical much more often...I've probably listened to more classical recently than anything else. Ever since I discovered Gustav Holst, really. I can thank my Philo of Religion professor (John) for introducing me to that.
You know, John and Ellen both really thought I was going to go places. They felt I was really advanced in my thought - John seemed to think I slipped through the cracks and somehow avoided all of the intro philosophy, yet still managed to keep up from a technical perspective. Ellen just thought I was a genius and a deep thinker, and I never really /understood/ how she came to that conclusion. After all, I think she singled me out in class in the second or third week - it made me wonder if her and the other professors there talked about me.
I don't get it at all really...it seems so odd that I've ended up where I have. I know it's the result of my relationships...hah...funny thought.
I was sitting in Philo of Religion and I accidentally left the cell on. Cookie called me while I was in class, and I had "lady of the night" as the ring tone. John thought this was absolutely hilarious, and I felt a little embarrassed. Thinking back, I think he knew exactly what was going to happen to me, for some reason...I get that vibe. Like he KNEW the reason I was where I was, was because of these women in my life. The reason I was there, at that community college, in his classroom at that moment. And I think he was right. I told him one time, "I just feel so rushed by everything in this world, you know, it makes it hard to make decisions" and he said, "Sometimes you have to be willing to make decisions no matter what the consequences will be, sometimes you have to be quick." he also told me, at the end of the class...that even though I was graduating, not to get caught up in money...I think it was a warning I should've heeded when I started thinking about the military or working at the mill. But it's not too late. I've only been out for just under 2 years. And maybe I've needed this.
I attended JCC the first year because I didn't want to leave Val. I loved her. I sacrificed all the chances I had elsewhere...I sacrificed Allegheny College (a private institution that sent me a hand written letter asking me to apply.) I don't know who gave them my information, at all. I have no idea. But look at her now - supposedly with some rich kid she likens to me, moving to San Diego and getting a condo and a new car. I guess, that's all that ever would've made her happy. I couldn't provide for her enough. Even though I was the only boyfriend of hers that ever bought her flowers, I'm not on her list for potentials anymore.
When Val broke up with me, I had almost finished my first year. It was Spring, 2006. I was devestated. I remember picking communication breakdowns in my Interpersonal Comm class for my final paper - 10 pages (200 level in my second semester...I did so well on my placement test I was able to skip two of their required english courses, by the way.) But by the time I was writing that paper, I was with Cookie. I had been exploring options between her and another girl who lived a few hours south of here. Can't even remember her name at the moment...Sad, because her journal is just over yonder and she still reads this occasionally. I'm sorry if you read this, but it's true. Been a long time, girl. Anyway, when I was in college things between Cookie and I were so much better. In fact, they were perfect.
The mistake I made with her, was not doing what I had to do to support her. When she wanted to go to Erie to that cosmetology school, I should have made the sacrifices and moved with her to help. I didn't think we could financially achieve it. I was pessimisstic and it was the destruction of our relationship. I don't know if things would be different now either way...but you never know. I do regret it. Because after the point where she should've been in school, and we should've been living in Erie, that's when things really went to hell. I screwed her out of her future...and I guess, in a way, I was just doing what was done to me with Val. I've noticed this pattern...
The pattern is that we always end up doing what was done to us. We become what we hate. This is one of the processes of the Qabalistic Tree of Life, and it is how we evolve as souls - I believe. It is necessary for us to become what we hate because if we do not, we will continue to hate without reason. After we perform the same acts, we have been put in those shoes and we understand.
Val didn't keep me from leaving. I made the choice not to go. I didn't keep Cookie from leaving, she made the choice not to go in the end. While I played a role, just as Val did - my presence that is, and hers in my life...I did not commit the act.
The act is always on the individual. There is no victim, only choice.
I had to make a decision between Cookie and the girl I can not remember the name of at this moment. I made a decision, that did hurt the other girl in the process. But had I made the opposing decision, I would have hurt Cookie. It's one of those lovely moral paradoxes, like if you could only save one of two people, but your choice ultimately kills the other.
Was my time better spent with Cookie? Honestly...I think so. If she sticks with nursing, she will have become a much better aid to society than she would have as a cosmetologist. If I hadn't of been with her, I think she would've gone straight into cosmetology. It makes me happy to know that, maybe, my presence in her life has led her to do something more fulfilling, meaningful and kind for the world.
What about Val? Well, I didn't impact her one bit. After me, she turned into a huge druggy, big on pills up until last I spoke with her and told her off. Yeah, she smokes pot, but that's a whole different world than pills. Doing pills and partying with her 17 yr old boyfriend in his parent's place...I remember when she told me that in texts, it just made me sick. I'm also under the impression the guy is in a gang, but I'm not going into how I've come to know that.
There is something else, though. They both look the same now. The moments I last saw either of them (right after breakup) their eyes had the same look. Like possession if you will, a deadness and a coldness, as if their original spirit and soul had been crushed or had left the body already. And now, they literally look the same...the new picture of Cookie I saw, she looks and dresses just like Val...hair the same way, makeup the same way (way too much of it.) The eyes, the same cold, dead, strung out look...and if I dare say, when I see their eyes now what I see is someone who doesn't like what they've done or become. The copulous amounts of makeup...a metaphor for hiding the horrible things they both did. I used to be able to see things like that in eyes, but it has been a long time since it manifested. But I can't deny the sickening feeling in my stomach when I see their eyes now. It's not projection at all...because I honestly expected to be heartbroken when I clicked on the thumbnails.
Why did I click? Pure morbid curiosity I guess...everyone who reads this knows I'm a masochist by now. I've let all of that go...I desire something new, I just can't seem to find it here.
I feel like Squall, caught in this crazy fucked up reality and just looking for a Rinoa to pull me out of my own head. If I could find my Rinoa, my princess who fights for freedom and good - my sorceress - I think I could probably do anything.
Last night here with you...
Wish I was a Lion.
Tool, Nine Inch Nails, A Perfect Circle, Infected Mushroom, various Remix and Electronic artists, Orgy, Kamelot, Pagan's Mind...
My tastes haven't really developed, except that I listen to classical much more often...I've probably listened to more classical recently than anything else. Ever since I discovered Gustav Holst, really. I can thank my Philo of Religion professor (John) for introducing me to that.
You know, John and Ellen both really thought I was going to go places. They felt I was really advanced in my thought - John seemed to think I slipped through the cracks and somehow avoided all of the intro philosophy, yet still managed to keep up from a technical perspective. Ellen just thought I was a genius and a deep thinker, and I never really /understood/ how she came to that conclusion. After all, I think she singled me out in class in the second or third week - it made me wonder if her and the other professors there talked about me.
I don't get it at all really...it seems so odd that I've ended up where I have. I know it's the result of my relationships...hah...funny thought.
I was sitting in Philo of Religion and I accidentally left the cell on. Cookie called me while I was in class, and I had "lady of the night" as the ring tone. John thought this was absolutely hilarious, and I felt a little embarrassed. Thinking back, I think he knew exactly what was going to happen to me, for some reason...I get that vibe. Like he KNEW the reason I was where I was, was because of these women in my life. The reason I was there, at that community college, in his classroom at that moment. And I think he was right. I told him one time, "I just feel so rushed by everything in this world, you know, it makes it hard to make decisions" and he said, "Sometimes you have to be willing to make decisions no matter what the consequences will be, sometimes you have to be quick." he also told me, at the end of the class...that even though I was graduating, not to get caught up in money...I think it was a warning I should've heeded when I started thinking about the military or working at the mill. But it's not too late. I've only been out for just under 2 years. And maybe I've needed this.
I attended JCC the first year because I didn't want to leave Val. I loved her. I sacrificed all the chances I had elsewhere...I sacrificed Allegheny College (a private institution that sent me a hand written letter asking me to apply.) I don't know who gave them my information, at all. I have no idea. But look at her now - supposedly with some rich kid she likens to me, moving to San Diego and getting a condo and a new car. I guess, that's all that ever would've made her happy. I couldn't provide for her enough. Even though I was the only boyfriend of hers that ever bought her flowers, I'm not on her list for potentials anymore.
When Val broke up with me, I had almost finished my first year. It was Spring, 2006. I was devestated. I remember picking communication breakdowns in my Interpersonal Comm class for my final paper - 10 pages (200 level in my second semester...I did so well on my placement test I was able to skip two of their required english courses, by the way.) But by the time I was writing that paper, I was with Cookie. I had been exploring options between her and another girl who lived a few hours south of here. Can't even remember her name at the moment...Sad, because her journal is just over yonder and she still reads this occasionally. I'm sorry if you read this, but it's true. Been a long time, girl. Anyway, when I was in college things between Cookie and I were so much better. In fact, they were perfect.
The mistake I made with her, was not doing what I had to do to support her. When she wanted to go to Erie to that cosmetology school, I should have made the sacrifices and moved with her to help. I didn't think we could financially achieve it. I was pessimisstic and it was the destruction of our relationship. I don't know if things would be different now either way...but you never know. I do regret it. Because after the point where she should've been in school, and we should've been living in Erie, that's when things really went to hell. I screwed her out of her future...and I guess, in a way, I was just doing what was done to me with Val. I've noticed this pattern...
The pattern is that we always end up doing what was done to us. We become what we hate. This is one of the processes of the Qabalistic Tree of Life, and it is how we evolve as souls - I believe. It is necessary for us to become what we hate because if we do not, we will continue to hate without reason. After we perform the same acts, we have been put in those shoes and we understand.
Val didn't keep me from leaving. I made the choice not to go. I didn't keep Cookie from leaving, she made the choice not to go in the end. While I played a role, just as Val did - my presence that is, and hers in my life...I did not commit the act.
The act is always on the individual. There is no victim, only choice.
I had to make a decision between Cookie and the girl I can not remember the name of at this moment. I made a decision, that did hurt the other girl in the process. But had I made the opposing decision, I would have hurt Cookie. It's one of those lovely moral paradoxes, like if you could only save one of two people, but your choice ultimately kills the other.
Was my time better spent with Cookie? Honestly...I think so. If she sticks with nursing, she will have become a much better aid to society than she would have as a cosmetologist. If I hadn't of been with her, I think she would've gone straight into cosmetology. It makes me happy to know that, maybe, my presence in her life has led her to do something more fulfilling, meaningful and kind for the world.
What about Val? Well, I didn't impact her one bit. After me, she turned into a huge druggy, big on pills up until last I spoke with her and told her off. Yeah, she smokes pot, but that's a whole different world than pills. Doing pills and partying with her 17 yr old boyfriend in his parent's place...I remember when she told me that in texts, it just made me sick. I'm also under the impression the guy is in a gang, but I'm not going into how I've come to know that.
There is something else, though. They both look the same now. The moments I last saw either of them (right after breakup) their eyes had the same look. Like possession if you will, a deadness and a coldness, as if their original spirit and soul had been crushed or had left the body already. And now, they literally look the same...the new picture of Cookie I saw, she looks and dresses just like Val...hair the same way, makeup the same way (way too much of it.) The eyes, the same cold, dead, strung out look...and if I dare say, when I see their eyes now what I see is someone who doesn't like what they've done or become. The copulous amounts of makeup...a metaphor for hiding the horrible things they both did. I used to be able to see things like that in eyes, but it has been a long time since it manifested. But I can't deny the sickening feeling in my stomach when I see their eyes now. It's not projection at all...because I honestly expected to be heartbroken when I clicked on the thumbnails.
Why did I click? Pure morbid curiosity I guess...everyone who reads this knows I'm a masochist by now. I've let all of that go...I desire something new, I just can't seem to find it here.
I feel like Squall, caught in this crazy fucked up reality and just looking for a Rinoa to pull me out of my own head. If I could find my Rinoa, my princess who fights for freedom and good - my sorceress - I think I could probably do anything.
Last night here with you...
Wish I was a Lion.
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-24 07:07 pm (UTC)first, i can understand being dissapointed in yourself when you had such high hopes. you call yourself a genius and say you're "really advanced in my thought". and then you're not doing as well as you thought. gee mister, the world must suck! pull that stick out of your ass and accept that you might not be the brightest boy out there. i'm not saying you're dumb, but a little honest humility wouldn't hurt you.
i would still advocate science courses. they're hard. you'll know for sure when you're done that you're not a genius. sometimes it's a good idea to hurt your pride and your GPA and learn something. if you're making all As you're just stroking your ego.
(i remember being a good student and generally regarded as "bright" myself. that was before biochem. also i'm unemployed, i'm speaking from a position of personal experience here)
second, you feel wronged in your relationships, but you're not bitter, you've "let all of that go" ...those girls that you just spent three, four paragraphs writing off as soul-less drudges. you've let them go... uh huh. this isn't 'prison sex' you don't have to "do what has been done to you" there's a difference between learning from and dwelling on. so let this issue drop already.
i'm sorry your friends aren't supportive and you're missing the emotional connections that could help you, but don't wait around for a princess to come rescue you. you're gonna have to bail yourself out. be your own rescuer.
i would say you don't need friends or a girl but you do. fortunately this need won't kill you immediately, you're going to have to suffer some. sometimes you learn from things that hurt and sometimes they just fucking hurt. from that second type, you learn what will and will not kill you.
i find that it is easier accept pain and move through it than keep arguing with it and blaming others for it. your pain is yours, not something that was done to you.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 12:24 am (UTC)