Realize

[sathor]

I realized something today, and I don't feel very good about it.

The fact is, pretty much my entire life, I've not had someone there to support me emotionally. Thinking back, neither Cookie or Val really "comforted" me the way I needed it, to heal. Sex, yeah, Hugs and kisses, yeah. But when I was really down and out, there was more avoidance there than anything else, and a non-chalant "everything will work out" attitude. I don't need to hear that. I never want to hear that, because you can't guarantee me that.

I don't really know how much longer I can last holding myself up by myself. My friends can't be there for me like that, and neither can any of the girls I know. For that matter, I don't think my friends ever desired to support me (or could, being that they have their own issues), even though I'm always there supporting them.

I'm in a really bad place, moving won't fix it. This is hard. I don't know what I should do. The military won't fix it. College won't fix it. I'm hurting today.

I really just want a kiss and a hug. Really. Simple and innocent.

-sighs-

Comments

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

Scott has this problem with me. I don't want to sit there and whine about how shitty life is with him. Or listen to him be all sad and depressed. I offer him solutions to his problems that he is whining about rather than sympathy. Because dwelling on the problem with the person does no good. And it's uncomfortable and hard to deal with when someone is in that sad down phase. Yeah life is rough. But that's what gives us genuine experience. It would be bland without the twists and turns. Why waste an entire day of your life dwelling on how fucked up the world can be? It's the hardest mental state to snap out of but it's glorious when you can look in the eye of shit storm of depression and smile knowing that you are alive still. Shit you being a live means that your God to millions of little things that depend on your biological ecosystem. You have hundreds of microbes that depend on you man! You are their God...kind of. If they had complex thought process to understand the concept of God. Just snap out of it. Girls will give you more headaches and depression anyways. Become whole for yourself, with yourself, by yourself. A kiss and a hug won't fix it either. It will just soothe the wound that will continue to fester without internal healing.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

It's not about wanting to whine - I use my journal for that if I so desire.

It's about not having had a kiss or a meaningful hug for a year - not having anyone in my bed for a year. And not being able to return those acts ten-fold, like I love to do.

I did complain a lot in my previous relationships. At this point, complaining seems idiotic at best. I don't really care about it enough to make it part of open conversation anymore. The only thing I complain about, hey, is the fact that no one flirts with me. I used to get flirted with all the time...it's kinda ridiculous.

If I could believe it were related to my area, hell...but I'm not sure it is. I've been around plenty of women in the last year, certainly some of them have been single.

Fuck it, ya know. The more years that pass without it, the more likely self termination is going to be.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I do agree, you know - I'm lucky to be alive. But that's always the fucking thing I fall back on, the only reason I have yet to kill myself. But I'll tell you this - if I get to the point where I think the chances of me having offspring are insignificant, there won't be any reason for me to even consider continuing my existence.

[noximist.livejournal.com]

I understand this. I really, really do. I've had some exceptional and warm relationships in my life, but they've all ended, taking their comfort with them. Well, all but the current one - but previous experience has made me fearful about that. It's painful to feel like no one really understands or cares about what you're going through, like they're unwilling to invest the time and energy into being there, and I'm sorry you're in that place.

That said, changing your life might well fix it, given time. You have to get there on your own, but taking steps toward opening up to the world and experiencing new things will naturally bring you closer to people, one of whom might be that girl who makes your heart beat faster. I moved to Toronto alone, and it was terrifying; my longest relationship had burned away, and I didn't think anything would ever fill the hole it left. But being here has made all of the difference. Not only are there more wonderful people than I have time for, the city and the university are enough to keep my mood buoyant even when I don't have anyone around me. If I'd stayed in Fredericton, I don't know who or what I'd be right now, but I suspect it'd be an ugly situation.

I feel for you because there's an alternate-universe me who is currently living your life. I think this is why I'm bugging you to consider living mine. I can't offer the kiss and hug you need (well, I can, but it won't help you :p), but I can say with an honest heart that you deserve better than you currently have, and a bigger place offers more options...

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Hopefully, eventually, I will experience living in a larger area. It just may not be for awhile...who knows? I don't have the capital to do that...college is one way, but that also means having the prerequisites "empirically" and I'm not sure I do. I had a 3.81 cumulative when I got my assoc, and SAT scores that could get me into some private institutions...but I took the SAT in 2005.