I sure could use a vacation from this...

[sathor]

Every once in awhile, I blow myself away with a composition.

http://www.myspace.com/renderedobsolete

Through the Portal is a mind-fuck from hell. This is one of the songs I write that takes on a life of it's own.

As far as real life goes, all is quiet. Yeah, you heard me.

Boring.

I'm practicing guitar daily, and have gotten pretty far with it. Sky's the limit, obviously...I have the free time...

Still haven't decided on what keyboard I want.

Diploma is already paid for (as soon as I send the stupid check ;))

Uhm...at this point, I don't know what is left to do. Nothing here, that's for certain.

Yeah, I'm paying off loans right...but I can just put them into deferment until I leave college again. Only a drop in the bucket will accumulate on what's left (about 7 grand left to pay) in even 6 years. The problem is that I'm so interested in music, I'm not sure I want to go back to school and spend so much time involved in academics. I mean, I really do believe I have a genuine talent for music. There are others that believe that as well. Pursuing it seems to be a good idea, especially because it is so therapeutic for me. I just want to be sure I have the time, that's all. I'm fairly certain I won't at some point, and I am afraid of that...but I'll take it a day at a time. I want a social life of some degree...one that isn't partying focused...drinking focused...drug focused...like every circle I've ever seen or been in before. I don't see anything different here, and I never did. I want a social circle of spiritualists and magicians. I don't want a social circle of potheads and alcoholics. I want to have this stuff before I'm dead. I want to see this fucking world, every inch of it.

I'm so bored with this place.

I know it's why Mr. Craig was pushing me to get the fuck out of here. I think it had little to do with College itself.

Comments

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

Personally I feel the guitar has a ceiling. You can only form so many combinations of sound. And most have been formed by others before at this point. Sadly the instrument is quickly reaching it's cap. I'd focus on the keyboard and other technological manipulations of noise if I were you. There is so much more unexplored territory there.

Leave that place. It is poison to people like you.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I think you are correct about guitar from a technical standpoint - but all physical instruments are that way.

However, with music, always remember it's all of the parts put together that make it whatever it is. It's really easy in modern times to focus on just /one/ part of a song or band, (they like to concentrate on good looking lead singers, for instance, or the "awesome" guitar lines of a lead guitarist - but you don't hear so much about the drummer and bassist do ya?)

Anyway, I picked up guitar to help my understanding of music as a whole...I doubt I'd become a virtuoso (same with keys...i didn't start young enough) but there's always that possibility - I certainly believe my IQ is high enough to master just about anything.

I also picked it up because it will help to fill my music out at some point...and make it more marketable. People like the familiar. You and I might like new, fringe ideas, but most people want something familiar and something they don't have to open their minds up to.

I still consider myself more than anything else a synthetic sound developer and composer, but I want to be able to play as many instruments as possible...it's all I have...

I guess the hope is that since, for girls in my life, love, a job, a car, a place to live, a college education were never enough...maybe with some tangible and observable musical talent...i'll have better luck? -sighs-

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

Good point about the familiar. Musical talent...eh?...try being a creepy stalker asshole that seems to fucking work well these days. Sorry...I'm incredibly umm what's the word...well...choleric? today

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Well, nothing else works...

I know I likely don't get out enough for it to matter...but even at bars and stuff...i dunno...

[sathor.livejournal.com]

And why are you choleric?

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

Because I hate the person I love.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

That's a paradox.

I think a lot of love is chocked up to loving a vision of the past or ideal present/future. When that's shattered, it's hard to put back together.

I don't think you hate him. I think you love an idea of him, and I think you hate the way he is currently acting (according to your LJ) That doesn't mean you hate him, though.

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

I hate the way he is acting...and I strongly feel he doesn't want to change it has no care or desire to see the way his actions effect the universe. And this means he intends harm to the universe purposefully. That makes him evil. And for that...I do hate him. On the other hand...yes I love what he can be when he pulls half an inkling of care out of his ass...it's just not so often lately...easier to fall down the well then get back up the steep inclination. And there always has to be the fall, from insecurities...from that fucking bitch.

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

And your conversation with him the other day made him act really nasty since then for some reason.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I don't know why :(

I just want to see everyone happy...

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I don't know about him harming the universe intentionally...you'd have to explain that one to me.

The universe tends to harm people intentionally...I can't imagine "it" being harmable in any sense...it probably intends anything from the get go, i'd hope anyway...

Otherwise we really do live in chaos, there really is a good chance I'll die alone from a suicide, and there's also a good chance I'll never find happiness.

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

http://mystic-waves.livejournal.com/136360.html

Ok the craziest thing happened when I tried to post that here. So I have resorted to keeping it whole and not chopping it apart on here. Ignore the bits in your e-mail and read the entry. It will flow better anyways. It did not want to post...really did not want to post. Hmm...?

[sathor.livejournal.com]

What was the crazy thing that happened, out of curiosity?

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

mozilla froze and I thought was going to crash...b/c that was a long thing to re-type I got firm with it ans told it to not, and it didn't. So I copied it into a text doc and tried to splice it and mozilla froze and crashed a bunch at that. After I had saved it elsewhere...computers usually hate me..and dont do what i ask.