sathor | Everything I touch, I break

That line of lyrics is pretty close to correct to me currently for some reason. I've managed to make two people hate eachother accidentally and i still feel responsible. I'm not sure how i'm going to deal with this at all. There are two sides to a story and i cannot figure out who to believe, and i continually wonder if someone is just trying to make me feel better or they are saying bluntly the truth.

I wish that things would work out for me one of these days. Who knows though, there is stil a chance they will.

-addon-

No wait, i don't think they will. I feel worse than ever right now, i have no idea how i can even go to school for the next...20 or so days, and still do well, and concentrate, and pass. Everything is falling apart around me. Everything i thought would happen is not happening. This is another downward spiral people. I don't even know if i can fucking Dungeon Master this weekend after a four weeks break. This is fucking...impossible. I suddenly get up to date on everything...and everyone's life is so fucking great. Why the hell did i have to be born here, in a place there is nothing, and all the people just either ignore me or say, "Hey, we can be friends." no...earlier today i said to myself "Ya know, i really need a partner in life at this point in time." And i had multiple reasons...i just need someone i can trust and be with and show affection for. There is no one here like that. Damn...i just don't get it. I'm beginning to wonder if there is anyone in this world like that. And i'm beginning to wonder if i can wait that long again.

It's like i've lost something i was relying on somehow. Like...it invisibly and silently slipped away through my fingers. I don't know what it was. I wonder if this is just another part of my "early" life crisis (midlife for most people, funny how it works out for me). Either way, life doesn't look so happy ahead of me. I'de rather sleep forever. One way or another...and that's part of my feeling that i'm going to be dead before i get to experience life in later dates, ones that might be happier.

I have three more years of hellish school. One where my friends are pretty much all assholes to me. If i transfer, it'll be worse. This entire area is closeminded, there is nowhere to go. A few girls ask me out here and there, but guess what, they don't know me, and they wouldn't be able to comprehend what i'm like. This i know because the people are the same here. There is no change...no randomness factor. And hell, i have a feeling no one is going to read this. Wow, what a waste of my time, even though there is no use for it otherwise.

All of this happening after i receive a glimpse of a memory in a past life long ago, one that isn't detrimental at all, and not enough of one to modify my personality. So why is this happening? I'm not clinically depressed, prescribed drugs can't fix this. And i wouldn't touch them anyway.

I just want to fade out of existence, so people don't have to listen or see me anymore, and so i don't get attached to people, and get my hopes up, or get hurt when they fade out of my life. Everything fades away...but i can't deal with it. Thanks for reading, if you did.

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