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sathorJust finally got done for the night with a Roleplaying session on Awake 2062 that lasted a whopping 9 hours. I roleplayed 9 hours straight...(wow, i must sound like a real loser).
Now im just sitting back and relaxing, contemplating and reflecting (And using my power as a Lone Star to confiscate illegal armor and weapons MWAHA!) anyway...
I feel more a failure now then ever before for some reason. I feel worthless and under appreciated, and just overall shitty. Everything i try to do i fail at, even the stuff ive been trying for years. My art reflects my depression in that it really isnt very good anymore, and I dont know what to do. I feel like im stuck in a perpetual downspiral that will never end, and that even though people around me tell me that i can change it, i feel powerless.
Then there is this deal where i dont know if everyone is using me, if i have anyone left thats trustworthy, or if i really cant trust anyone at all. And sometimes i feel like everyone is moving forward but me, and im the one being left behind, without anyone left to talk to or be with. Its been like that my entire life. Always everyone else moving on, always me left behind without anyone.
Not that anyone cares about my constant ramblings. Thats the problem, i think the biggest one. No one cares. When i talk to people they always say something like im stupid, or im faking being depressed, or they just laugh at me. I try to seperate myself and make myself unique but for what price, the price of everything that makes life liveable?
Im trying so hard to continue living day to day, but it gets worse ever waking minute i spend. The more i contemplate the worse things seem, and there is no smokescreen to save me anymore. Long ago, religion was my blockade against the world. Then i came to the point where my fantasy was the blockade. And now im left with nothing but a tattered memory, the charred remains of whatever sane mind i had. I dont know what to do, where to go anymore. I dont know if i can stand this world any longer. I hate everyone and everything...and there is no horizon to look forward to. The only person i ever loved betrayed me, the one person i can trust left and i can no longer contact. And no one knows these facts but me. And its a horrible secret to keep.
I look into all these peoples eyes and see nothing...for some damn reason i dont see anything in their eyes. When i stare into my own in the mirror, all i see is sorrow and hatred in permanence. I dont know this body anymore, this face. I dont know the clothes i wear anymore, i dont know who i am anymore. Its all just one permanent bliss, a permanent nightmare, a permanent void. I just dont know if its worth surviving. And the funny thing is, i really am serious for once in my life.
So it seems now, that i am finally giving up. I tried for so long, so hard to keep the hope that there is a chance of things getting better. Its like the gods are mocking me...everyone's life is getting better while im stuck behind. And sure yeah...im /sure/ it sounds like i want attention, but hell, ive been without attention for so long why would i want it? There is only 2 things i want in this life, death or someone left that i can trust and hold on to. And i doubt anyone is going to read this anyway, so...
Heh...im just gonna continue adding onto this, like a story of my emotions or something. Right now im listening to mechanical animals...Its bringing back so many memories that hurt now. I would sit there with my ex-friend matt and chat for hours with this and other select CD's playing in the background...sometimes i would be trashed, other times not. I hate not having that anymore, it hurts so damn much. Im almost thinking about confronting him about it...because i want him back as a friend so much. I dont know who changed anymore, i feel like...like im totally empty inside. Like im dead. I just want it to end, or everything to get better again. And the tears continue on...
Now im just sitting back and relaxing, contemplating and reflecting (And using my power as a Lone Star to confiscate illegal armor and weapons MWAHA!) anyway...
I feel more a failure now then ever before for some reason. I feel worthless and under appreciated, and just overall shitty. Everything i try to do i fail at, even the stuff ive been trying for years. My art reflects my depression in that it really isnt very good anymore, and I dont know what to do. I feel like im stuck in a perpetual downspiral that will never end, and that even though people around me tell me that i can change it, i feel powerless.
Then there is this deal where i dont know if everyone is using me, if i have anyone left thats trustworthy, or if i really cant trust anyone at all. And sometimes i feel like everyone is moving forward but me, and im the one being left behind, without anyone left to talk to or be with. Its been like that my entire life. Always everyone else moving on, always me left behind without anyone.
Not that anyone cares about my constant ramblings. Thats the problem, i think the biggest one. No one cares. When i talk to people they always say something like im stupid, or im faking being depressed, or they just laugh at me. I try to seperate myself and make myself unique but for what price, the price of everything that makes life liveable?
Im trying so hard to continue living day to day, but it gets worse ever waking minute i spend. The more i contemplate the worse things seem, and there is no smokescreen to save me anymore. Long ago, religion was my blockade against the world. Then i came to the point where my fantasy was the blockade. And now im left with nothing but a tattered memory, the charred remains of whatever sane mind i had. I dont know what to do, where to go anymore. I dont know if i can stand this world any longer. I hate everyone and everything...and there is no horizon to look forward to. The only person i ever loved betrayed me, the one person i can trust left and i can no longer contact. And no one knows these facts but me. And its a horrible secret to keep.
I look into all these peoples eyes and see nothing...for some damn reason i dont see anything in their eyes. When i stare into my own in the mirror, all i see is sorrow and hatred in permanence. I dont know this body anymore, this face. I dont know the clothes i wear anymore, i dont know who i am anymore. Its all just one permanent bliss, a permanent nightmare, a permanent void. I just dont know if its worth surviving. And the funny thing is, i really am serious for once in my life.
So it seems now, that i am finally giving up. I tried for so long, so hard to keep the hope that there is a chance of things getting better. Its like the gods are mocking me...everyone's life is getting better while im stuck behind. And sure yeah...im /sure/ it sounds like i want attention, but hell, ive been without attention for so long why would i want it? There is only 2 things i want in this life, death or someone left that i can trust and hold on to. And i doubt anyone is going to read this anyway, so...
Heh...im just gonna continue adding onto this, like a story of my emotions or something. Right now im listening to mechanical animals...Its bringing back so many memories that hurt now. I would sit there with my ex-friend matt and chat for hours with this and other select CD's playing in the background...sometimes i would be trashed, other times not. I hate not having that anymore, it hurts so damn much. Im almost thinking about confronting him about it...because i want him back as a friend so much. I dont know who changed anymore, i feel like...like im totally empty inside. Like im dead. I just want it to end, or everything to get better again. And the tears continue on...
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Date: 2002-01-22 09:33 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-01-23 01:42 pm (UTC)