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sathorThis is probably a wank post. I apologize in advance. I know I shouldn't be wasting my time considering the past and thinking about how I'd have done things differently, but here I am, doing it anyway :)
If I could change something about my self at this point, I'd probably erase the learning I've done. All the mind expansion. All the philosophy. All the thoughtful consideration of the bullshit that this capitalist, self-righteous society produces. I'd take my self back to high school, and I'd focus exclusively on mathematics and science. Because those are things that have tangible, real results. They have applications in the real world that have the capacity, at least, to change things for the better. Of course, without all the learning and philosophizing I've done, there's a good chance I would have found my self using scientific talent in some ignorant capacity to further add to the already bloated consumer markets. But we'll just ignore that.
Why do I say this? Because I feel as though the frustration, the stress and the insight gained from my pursuits thus far have had little to no meaning. Not even to my self - quite the contrary, it's only served to make my existence that much more frustrating and difficult. It hasn't "enhanced" my life. Being aware of how, say, the petroleum industry seems to be deliberately destroying the planet (I note that the industry was necessary to achieve this level of civilization, but their lack of foresight is disturbing), or how capitalist markets and advertising, and governments rig themselves in such a way as to enslave and control population, makes absolutely no difference. Simply knowing about it doesn't help the issue, and over all the years I've found that there's no real convincing to be done as far as the rest of the world goes. For all intents and purposes, I might even be wrong and that would mean there's even less of a reason for me to have learned any of it. It'd be one thing if I could earn a sustainable income off of this knowledge and insight (can it be called that?) but I can't - at least, not so far. The troubles run deeper, too.
For instance, if I recognize that the sole purpose of most businesses is to provide either a service or a product, without concern for Space Ship Earth or it's long term health, or for that matter, the health and well being of its inhabitants, and if I am ethically inclined towards not helping those corporations do that, I find my self in a fairly troublesome predicament. Those businesses are basically the only real source of survival for people post industrial revolution. People - including my self - need pay checks to survive. There are ways of making money without being employed, but the income tends towards the unpredictable, and unsteady end. If one is lucky, industrious, and business-minded, they might be able to become a successful entrepreneur - but there's about a ninety-percent failure rate.
It seems therefore that I am in quite a precarious situation. I've no real desire to work for a business that has a bottom line dependent on consumerism, otherwise known as a waste of resources. I've no easily marketable skills or talents that would allow me entry into a field or endeavor that is less likely to be consumerism-dependent. The skills or talents that would make me marketable are quite expensive to obtain - I'm certain I could learn them easily enough (electrical, mechanical, welding, etc.) but training is not available locally and that means paying a premium for both living expenses and tuition, the same predicament I face with a traditional university.
At this point, I'm saying mercy to the universe. You got me. I'm so ridiculously happy that I grew up and live right next door to nature - that I can hear the frogs and the crickets at night, and the birds in the day. I'm not sure there's any other way to really live a life. But commuting to a job daily that a monkey could do, that has no real intrinsic meaning or value, isn't a way to live either. I really need to find another way. Mercy, mercy, mercy.
One last thing I'd like to add to this, is that it is deeply distressing to know that I've spent all of this time and energy learning - learning the sorts of things I touched on above, learning philosophy and music, learning about the world and in particular alternative, typically minority, viewpoints - and I've nothing to show for it. A person can't just look at me, hear me speak for a few minutes (or even for quite a time), read a handful of journal entries, and see self-evident knowledge or wisdom or anything. I can't prove that I am the person I -think- I am to anyone. I've no evidence. I've no evidence I'm educated or talented - actually, my life is a striking contrast to that. I managed an A.A. degree, worked at a lumber mill for 1.5 years, went to Alaska for four months, came back, and worked at a petroleum refinery for four years. Nothing about that reflects how I see my self, or who I am internally. It makes me feel like there's this huge disconnect between who I am inside, and how I am perceived. Taken even further, I could even argue that how I feel I am internally, I've no evidence for either - if there's no empirical reference, then how can I possibly consider my self these things? It's like...border-line magical thinking.
Very, incredibly, frustrating :(
If I could change something about my self at this point, I'd probably erase the learning I've done. All the mind expansion. All the philosophy. All the thoughtful consideration of the bullshit that this capitalist, self-righteous society produces. I'd take my self back to high school, and I'd focus exclusively on mathematics and science. Because those are things that have tangible, real results. They have applications in the real world that have the capacity, at least, to change things for the better. Of course, without all the learning and philosophizing I've done, there's a good chance I would have found my self using scientific talent in some ignorant capacity to further add to the already bloated consumer markets. But we'll just ignore that.
Why do I say this? Because I feel as though the frustration, the stress and the insight gained from my pursuits thus far have had little to no meaning. Not even to my self - quite the contrary, it's only served to make my existence that much more frustrating and difficult. It hasn't "enhanced" my life. Being aware of how, say, the petroleum industry seems to be deliberately destroying the planet (I note that the industry was necessary to achieve this level of civilization, but their lack of foresight is disturbing), or how capitalist markets and advertising, and governments rig themselves in such a way as to enslave and control population, makes absolutely no difference. Simply knowing about it doesn't help the issue, and over all the years I've found that there's no real convincing to be done as far as the rest of the world goes. For all intents and purposes, I might even be wrong and that would mean there's even less of a reason for me to have learned any of it. It'd be one thing if I could earn a sustainable income off of this knowledge and insight (can it be called that?) but I can't - at least, not so far. The troubles run deeper, too.
For instance, if I recognize that the sole purpose of most businesses is to provide either a service or a product, without concern for Space Ship Earth or it's long term health, or for that matter, the health and well being of its inhabitants, and if I am ethically inclined towards not helping those corporations do that, I find my self in a fairly troublesome predicament. Those businesses are basically the only real source of survival for people post industrial revolution. People - including my self - need pay checks to survive. There are ways of making money without being employed, but the income tends towards the unpredictable, and unsteady end. If one is lucky, industrious, and business-minded, they might be able to become a successful entrepreneur - but there's about a ninety-percent failure rate.
It seems therefore that I am in quite a precarious situation. I've no real desire to work for a business that has a bottom line dependent on consumerism, otherwise known as a waste of resources. I've no easily marketable skills or talents that would allow me entry into a field or endeavor that is less likely to be consumerism-dependent. The skills or talents that would make me marketable are quite expensive to obtain - I'm certain I could learn them easily enough (electrical, mechanical, welding, etc.) but training is not available locally and that means paying a premium for both living expenses and tuition, the same predicament I face with a traditional university.
At this point, I'm saying mercy to the universe. You got me. I'm so ridiculously happy that I grew up and live right next door to nature - that I can hear the frogs and the crickets at night, and the birds in the day. I'm not sure there's any other way to really live a life. But commuting to a job daily that a monkey could do, that has no real intrinsic meaning or value, isn't a way to live either. I really need to find another way. Mercy, mercy, mercy.
One last thing I'd like to add to this, is that it is deeply distressing to know that I've spent all of this time and energy learning - learning the sorts of things I touched on above, learning philosophy and music, learning about the world and in particular alternative, typically minority, viewpoints - and I've nothing to show for it. A person can't just look at me, hear me speak for a few minutes (or even for quite a time), read a handful of journal entries, and see self-evident knowledge or wisdom or anything. I can't prove that I am the person I -think- I am to anyone. I've no evidence. I've no evidence I'm educated or talented - actually, my life is a striking contrast to that. I managed an A.A. degree, worked at a lumber mill for 1.5 years, went to Alaska for four months, came back, and worked at a petroleum refinery for four years. Nothing about that reflects how I see my self, or who I am internally. It makes me feel like there's this huge disconnect between who I am inside, and how I am perceived. Taken even further, I could even argue that how I feel I am internally, I've no evidence for either - if there's no empirical reference, then how can I possibly consider my self these things? It's like...border-line magical thinking.
Very, incredibly, frustrating :(
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Part 1
Date: 2015-07-03 05:03 am (UTC)"If everything were different, everything would be different." But there were reasons why you didn't focus exclusively on science and math in high school, so even if you had a rewind/erase button for your life, and the power to nudge your teenage self into the course that your adult self now thinks would be better, the results still might not be what you would hope for.
" Because I feel as though the frustration, the stress and the insight gained from my pursuits thus far have had little to no meaning. Not even to my self - quite the contrary, it's only served to make my existence that much more frustrating and difficult"
That's because you're still in the middle of the process, young Jedi. Surely you remember all those warning-labels about the Path of Initiation? There are very sound reasons why most people never even consider attempting it, and why most who do attempt it give up before they see any results: the results are long in coming, and (as you've noticed) are not readily apparent to outside observers.
"over all the years I've found that there's no real convincing to be done as far as the rest of the world goes."
Well... what exactly have you done to try to convince the rest of the world of anything? Many of our Federal, state and local legislators are more-or-less corrupt, but not all of them are, and even those who are basically puppets of the lobbies still have to pay some attention to what the citizens are saying. Public opinion definitely matters to the companies whose profits are based on selling stuff to the public - and that definitely includes all the media companies. The nation's editors, producers, CEOs and elected officials are the people to persuade - not the little trolls online, or the local yokels who barely bother even to vote.
The art of persuasion is something that can be learned, even if one has little natural aptitude for it. That's what Dale Carnegie's books are all about. But whether or not you're good at it, you can still make your voice heard. If you want an effective antidote to political despair, take an oath to write to at least one person in a position of influence, every week without fail, for one year. E-mails, postcards, your choice. Elected officials of every rank, editors of local or national publications, heads of corporations and/or non-profits large and small - pick a cause, any cause; a different one every week if you like. I send postcards, because I figure no one can resist flipping a beautiful card over to see what it says.
Too long; continued
Part 2
Date: 2015-07-03 05:04 am (UTC)Not so. There are plenty of ethical businesses doing their best to provide good products and services in a way that's healthy and sustainable for both people and the planet. There are plenty of non-profit and not-for-profit organizations working hard to contain and clean up the damage that's already been done, and to prevent more from happening. There's Americorps, which has a wide variety of opportunities for those willing to put 'sweat equity' into their education.
It's not true that entrepreneurs have a 90% failure rate. Every business that exists in the world exists because some entrepreneur started it. A lot of them started with almost nothing but an idea and the willingness to work their butts off to make it a reality. (A grasp of business math is, of course, a major asset, and one that is not hard to acquire.)
It probably is true that there's no easy, comfortable path to both material wealth and a clear social conscience in this day and age. But when has there ever been?
You have at least one easily-marketable skill: the ability to write correct, coherent English. In a world full of people who can't spell, can't punctuate, can't structure a sentence, your expertise in the mechanics of the English language is a decided advantage, and one that opens many potential career paths to you. Consider: every endeavor these days needs a public 'face' - someone to write the copy, someone to edit the copy - not to mention the many teaching options your English skills could put you in line for. You're young, white, male, unmarried, college-educated, presentable, conscientious - if the world isn't your oyster, it's because you're turning your nose up at oysters and holding out for caviar instead. Caviar is probably not forthcoming in the current economy, so I say go with the oysters, at least for the time being.
"At this point, I'm saying mercy to the universe."
The universe has no mercy, dearheart. The universe doesn't care whether you live to pass on your DNA before you die to be food for other organisms, or you don't. The universe doesn't care whether this little planet's ecosystem survives until the Sun runs out of hydrogen, or it doesn't. The universe doesn't care whether you curse your life in bitter disappointment, or rejoice in heartfelt gratitude that you ever got to live at all. It's you who care about these things; ergo, it's you who must take action to bring about the results you desire. Whether or not you will succeed, no one can know.
Still too long; continued again
Part 3
Date: 2015-07-03 05:05 am (UTC)Hmm, okay - what set of experiences or accomplishments would reflect how you see yourself, or who you feel yourself to be internally?
No doubt there is a huge disconnect between who you are inside, and how others perceive you, because that's true of every person who's ever lived. Hence the oft-repeated warning about "Don't compare your insides to other peoples' outsides." I would add to that, "Don't presume that the way you think others perceive you is the way they actually do perceive you", because it's usually not. But you're quite right; once one is out of childhood, one's potential counts for a lot less than one's achievement.
So? You're not yet 30; you have an Associate's degree, a solid employment history, a musical and literary body of work, and enough money in the bank that you're not compelled to take *any* job just to make ends meet. That may not be overwhelming success, but it certainly isn't failure either. Since very few people ever do achieve overwhelming success, what would you consider satisfactory success in your work life?
My housemate has a useful question: "What's the least I need?" It applies to all sorts of projects and endeavors: what's the least I need to get started? What's the least I need to get by? What's the least I need to feel that I did a creditable job? It's easy to dream of all the wonderful things one could do with unlimited resources, but that kind of thinking is ultimately self-defeating, because unlimited resources simply don't exist. The pertinent question is: what can one do with the resources one does have?
Wasn't it Socrates who said "Be what you wish to seem"? But first you have to figure out what you wish to seem.
Re: Part 1
Date: 2015-07-06 07:50 am (UTC)I can't say I've tried convincing public officials of anything - but as for getting into lots and lots of arguments and debates and conversation on topics, I've certainly done that. My experience with that is regardless of how solid and/or rational I feel my perspective happens to be, it's never good enough to nudge someone else even an iota away from whatever they hold on to. Eventually that lead me to where I am now, in a sort of state where I'm not really certain of the truth of much of anything. Some things of course I think I can be certain about...but even those have numerous detractors in the ranks of common (and not so common) people. One need not look far to see how powerful belief is...the major world religions, Mormons, the Church of Scientology, etc. etc.
I always felt the art of persuading was primarily learning to utilize pathos. Ethics and rationality tend not to have much of an effect on most people, you know? But those are the only things that can really set apart a good belief from a bad one (and yea, granted, ethics are a kind of social norm...whether or not there are universal ethics is something plaguing philosophy for a very long time.) I've never felt all that comfortable manipulating emotion.
Re: Part 3
Date: 2015-07-06 07:58 am (UTC)No, I'm not a failure - I'm very lucky, and very glad that I'm able to take this time. I feel like if I hadn't of had this time, given the same mind and same body, I would be in a very, very bad place mentally and emotionally. Jobs over extensive periods of time have always made me feel like my sanity was slowly slipping away...like how I imagine a prison sentence might make me feel. I guess I could go on, but I'll leave it at that.
-hugs- thanks for the thoughts. I read them all and will hopefully put them to good use.