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sathorSomething occurred to me today, and it goes back to some of what I learned in college, but also, general life experience, and what seems to be an intuition.
The natural state of man is rather simple. Whatever his environment is, he will reflect. His brain will develop and hone specific pathways and synapses that are conducive to whatever it is that he does. He will reflect, not just in his consciousness, but physically, the sum total of his experiences, influences, genetics and beliefs. That can link in with Schopenhauer's fatalism, but I digress. The point I'm getting at here is my life has not been very conducive so far to creating a positive persona or mentality. Every person I loved left me. It wouldn't be so bad if, maybe, I understood their perspective - but the fact of the matter is, I've never even had the chance to. I'm always happy and in love...and eventually, they aren't. I don't understand that, and that makes it harder for me to deal with it...and it also makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, something broken. I was emotionally abused and battered all throughout my childhood - a recent conversation with my mother brought to light the fact she never felt "it was bad enough" to warrant sending me to a different school. I can't blame her...she couldn't see it. I would leave home (where there were no kids my age for miles and I was quite alone) to be surrounded by people who would pick me apart, every day. No wonder I've had such a hard time wanting to leave. No wonder I have tendencies to be misanthropic. No wonder I have trust issues. No wonder I don't have the greatest social skills. I didn't even have enough exposure to warrant my brain developing the right tools, and unlike most people, I never developed any sort of desire to seek out social interaction. Because most of what I had was negative, and it was always starkly contrasted with the complete social desolation of my out-of-school life, living 15 miles from Tidioute, 25 from Warren.
When you start using drugs, whatever they might be, you're throwing a wrench into the whole brain development and pruning process. It's a wrench that nobody fully understands because we don't really understand the brain all that well quite yet, and no real long-term studies have been done with regards to any drug...be it recreational like LSD, Psilocybin, Marijuana...or pharmaceutical like anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic medication. One would need to take very special care, and keep a very close eye on one's state of being when one uses any of the aforementioned...and even then, I'm not sure it's recommended.
I used marijuana quite frequently starting around the age of 15 all the way until I was in my early 20s. I had long-term breaks, and I never really had the money to stay "high all the time" except rare instances...compared to most users, I was mild - even still, I feel like my use was excessive. If I had been using alcohol, I'd have been a bonda-fide alcoholic and probably would already have severe liver damage. I also drank copious amounts of liquor shortly after I turned 21 - that's about when the scalp issue came about and I feel it has a very real relationship with alcohol - but I never really became an addict. When there's liquor about, though, I drink (even on weekdays, although I will limit myself.) That's definitely a sign of alcoholism. It's also why I don't purchase it often.
That background having been laid out, the fact remains that I feel there has been some significant alteration to my brain as a result. I have used LSD once. I have used mushrooms four times. I have used synthetic mescaline once. I have never used these in a party situation, excepting the use of mescaline (which was a very chance situation, and I didn't want to pass it up.) I will never KNOW what alteration has occurred. I will never KNOW what my life would have been like had I never used marijuana - had I never used hallucinogens. I intuit that it would have been vastly different and probably better. I am blaming drugs for part of my current state, yes - and that might be wrong. But nonetheless I can't shake the feeling that I wasted a great deal of time and effort and potential on altered states of consciousness, when I should have known that those altered states wouldn't be helping me to create prosperity...love...and friendship...in the future. What were they? Mostly distraction, I imagine. Used properly they are medicine, or even creative conduits. Used improperly they are the incarnation of Shiva the Destroyer.
After a certain point the brain, according to psychology and neuroscience, loses plasticity - the most plastic the brain ever is, is sometime in the early to mid twenties. It's very bell-curve like. I'm now twenty-seven, and it's sink or swim at this point. Either I make changes NOW so that my brain can learn how to deal, or I'm in for a seriously fucked up road I'm afraid. I've been almost entirely drug free for the most plastic years of my life - which is probably a very good thing - but I've also been living at home with my parents (despite a half a year stint in Alaska, mostly on my own.) I recognize that occasional use of marijuana levels me out - gives me creative energy - and helps me to feel much more centered, stress-free and healthy. I jeopardize my job when I use, and because of this I can't even feel truly secure in this as a life-long career choice. I have to find something else. It's either that, or accept the situation and deal with the consequences, which by the look of the past four years of my life, aren't looking good.
I don't want to live in a dormitory, but if I want to broaden my horizons I have to go back to college. I can't teach primary school without a masters equivalent.
The other option is to get my own place here, stay at United, and hope that things change naturally as a result of me changing my environment. How much am I hedging my bets, though? Anyone who's not from here finds the place close-minded and unforgiving...am I asking for a miracle by expecting good things if I stay?
It would be an easy choice if I didn't have a job right now, if I didn't make great money for the area.
I can't believe years later, I'm still dealing with the same stupid decision. I feel like my poor brain just can't handle it. It filters through everything and never comes to a conclusion. It's beat down, tired and sad. It's scared of people because of what they've done, what they do - scared of women because they've never stuck around for long - scared of decisions because life is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short. My brain has developed so many amazing capabilities, and yet, I myself, and the world, never fed it the right stuff to get it to be better at some of the more important aspects of life.
If I could start this all over, I probably would. If I could trade what little intelligence I have for a real support network and fearlessness in the face of these challenges I have refused to deal with...I probably would.
The natural state of man is rather simple. Whatever his environment is, he will reflect. His brain will develop and hone specific pathways and synapses that are conducive to whatever it is that he does. He will reflect, not just in his consciousness, but physically, the sum total of his experiences, influences, genetics and beliefs. That can link in with Schopenhauer's fatalism, but I digress. The point I'm getting at here is my life has not been very conducive so far to creating a positive persona or mentality. Every person I loved left me. It wouldn't be so bad if, maybe, I understood their perspective - but the fact of the matter is, I've never even had the chance to. I'm always happy and in love...and eventually, they aren't. I don't understand that, and that makes it harder for me to deal with it...and it also makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, something broken. I was emotionally abused and battered all throughout my childhood - a recent conversation with my mother brought to light the fact she never felt "it was bad enough" to warrant sending me to a different school. I can't blame her...she couldn't see it. I would leave home (where there were no kids my age for miles and I was quite alone) to be surrounded by people who would pick me apart, every day. No wonder I've had such a hard time wanting to leave. No wonder I have tendencies to be misanthropic. No wonder I have trust issues. No wonder I don't have the greatest social skills. I didn't even have enough exposure to warrant my brain developing the right tools, and unlike most people, I never developed any sort of desire to seek out social interaction. Because most of what I had was negative, and it was always starkly contrasted with the complete social desolation of my out-of-school life, living 15 miles from Tidioute, 25 from Warren.
When you start using drugs, whatever they might be, you're throwing a wrench into the whole brain development and pruning process. It's a wrench that nobody fully understands because we don't really understand the brain all that well quite yet, and no real long-term studies have been done with regards to any drug...be it recreational like LSD, Psilocybin, Marijuana...or pharmaceutical like anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic medication. One would need to take very special care, and keep a very close eye on one's state of being when one uses any of the aforementioned...and even then, I'm not sure it's recommended.
I used marijuana quite frequently starting around the age of 15 all the way until I was in my early 20s. I had long-term breaks, and I never really had the money to stay "high all the time" except rare instances...compared to most users, I was mild - even still, I feel like my use was excessive. If I had been using alcohol, I'd have been a bonda-fide alcoholic and probably would already have severe liver damage. I also drank copious amounts of liquor shortly after I turned 21 - that's about when the scalp issue came about and I feel it has a very real relationship with alcohol - but I never really became an addict. When there's liquor about, though, I drink (even on weekdays, although I will limit myself.) That's definitely a sign of alcoholism. It's also why I don't purchase it often.
That background having been laid out, the fact remains that I feel there has been some significant alteration to my brain as a result. I have used LSD once. I have used mushrooms four times. I have used synthetic mescaline once. I have never used these in a party situation, excepting the use of mescaline (which was a very chance situation, and I didn't want to pass it up.) I will never KNOW what alteration has occurred. I will never KNOW what my life would have been like had I never used marijuana - had I never used hallucinogens. I intuit that it would have been vastly different and probably better. I am blaming drugs for part of my current state, yes - and that might be wrong. But nonetheless I can't shake the feeling that I wasted a great deal of time and effort and potential on altered states of consciousness, when I should have known that those altered states wouldn't be helping me to create prosperity...love...and friendship...in the future. What were they? Mostly distraction, I imagine. Used properly they are medicine, or even creative conduits. Used improperly they are the incarnation of Shiva the Destroyer.
After a certain point the brain, according to psychology and neuroscience, loses plasticity - the most plastic the brain ever is, is sometime in the early to mid twenties. It's very bell-curve like. I'm now twenty-seven, and it's sink or swim at this point. Either I make changes NOW so that my brain can learn how to deal, or I'm in for a seriously fucked up road I'm afraid. I've been almost entirely drug free for the most plastic years of my life - which is probably a very good thing - but I've also been living at home with my parents (despite a half a year stint in Alaska, mostly on my own.) I recognize that occasional use of marijuana levels me out - gives me creative energy - and helps me to feel much more centered, stress-free and healthy. I jeopardize my job when I use, and because of this I can't even feel truly secure in this as a life-long career choice. I have to find something else. It's either that, or accept the situation and deal with the consequences, which by the look of the past four years of my life, aren't looking good.
I don't want to live in a dormitory, but if I want to broaden my horizons I have to go back to college. I can't teach primary school without a masters equivalent.
The other option is to get my own place here, stay at United, and hope that things change naturally as a result of me changing my environment. How much am I hedging my bets, though? Anyone who's not from here finds the place close-minded and unforgiving...am I asking for a miracle by expecting good things if I stay?
It would be an easy choice if I didn't have a job right now, if I didn't make great money for the area.
I can't believe years later, I'm still dealing with the same stupid decision. I feel like my poor brain just can't handle it. It filters through everything and never comes to a conclusion. It's beat down, tired and sad. It's scared of people because of what they've done, what they do - scared of women because they've never stuck around for long - scared of decisions because life is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short. My brain has developed so many amazing capabilities, and yet, I myself, and the world, never fed it the right stuff to get it to be better at some of the more important aspects of life.
If I could start this all over, I probably would. If I could trade what little intelligence I have for a real support network and fearlessness in the face of these challenges I have refused to deal with...I probably would.
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no subject
Date: 2014-08-25 11:34 pm (UTC)It's sad that you got bullied so much at school. Very likely you would have gotten bullied just the same if you'd lived in town, and regardless of anything your parents might have done to try and stop it. Welcome to Aspie Nation; all of us odd kids got bullied in school.
There was nothing you could do about it back then. However, there is something you can do about it now, and that is, get over it. Yes, trust issues, missing social skills, all that... if you don't get over it now, when will you? Your childhood was years in the past; whatever happened to you then can't reasonably be considered the cause of your adult choices.
Cannabis is a neuroprotective; if anything is 'wrong' with your brain function, it's more likely helping you to compensate for it, than doing you any harm. Technically, cannabis is an 'herb', not a 'drug', since it consists of nothing but the dried, unprocessed plant. (Just as coca is an herb, while cocaine is a drug.)
One acid trip, one mescaline trip and four adventures with 'shrooms is not enough to alter your brain in any way that could be detected by either physical or psychological testing. And yeah, there have been some pretty long-term studies of the effects of hallucinogens on the brain - the reason you don't hear about them is because they're inconclusive; the effects are not clear-cut enough to base any definitive statement on. If you'd tripped sixty times, say, you might be discernibly crispy around the edges, but just six? Nah. Set your mind at ease, young Jedi; that's a negligible amount.
Seriously, if you want to avoid brain-damaging substances, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and refined sugar are the big baddies to eliminate. Gut microflora regulates mood and brain function, among other things, and yours has been devastated by antibiotic use; building back a healthy intestinal environment will help more than you probably think.
Suppose you were to stay where you are, keep your current job for the time being, and go back to college online? That's a step you could take right away, without having to disrupt your life, which would be advantageous no matter what you decided to do later. It might be too late to register for Fall quarter now, but you'd have plenty of time to scope out your options before Winter.
Rumination trashes brain plasticity. It literally digs ruts in the brain, going over and over the same tedious course, re-loading and reinforcing the same self-defeating patterns of thought. The time and effort you spent exploring altered states of consciousness was a drop in the bucket compared to the time and effort spent thinking of Reasons Why You're Not Okay.
You can have a real support network, but you will have to build it. You can cultivate fearlessness in the face of challenges, ditto. You're scared of people, especially women, because you keep telling yourself the same scary, depressing things about them. You're beat-down, tired and sad because you beat yourself down with pessimistic phrases - and yes, at 27 it's high time to extinguish that habit, before you're stuck with it the rest of your life.
On the plus side, this is something you are able to do, and you already know how to do it. *hugs* Keep on keeping on!
no subject
Date: 2014-08-27 08:57 pm (UTC)I have a lot of ruts from rumination, I've no doubt. I need to be much more serious about shutting it down if I'm going to heal - I've been slipping a lot more lately.
I agree with substances to avoid as well...I'm working on all of those. Caffeine is the easiest for me right now...the terrible part is that alcohol is such a part of the dating culture around here, that I feel sticking to my alcohol-free lifestyle would be a very threatening prospect...but then again, I do feel much better when I don't drink at all.
I have considered online college many times...but I have yet to find one that breathes anything but for-profit and possibly not-so-widely accepted. Most online colleges do not offer anything in the way of degrees that are up my alley either...I DO only need a master's equivalent in credits to teach in Pennsylvania, but I'm not sure how many of those credits need to be in traditional schooling, and I'm not sure the "obscure" degree titles that most online schools offer would be very acceptable, either.
They are also rather pricey for what you get, as far as I can tell. But I will consider it...just feeling more and more lately that my job is really keeping me from being who I am...and furthermore finding who I am.
After reading a book and part of another (Schrodinger's Cat by Robert Anton Wilson and Intelligence Agents by Timothy Leary) I've felt like I've reconnected with a part of my self that I buried somewhere right around the time Cookie and I broke up, or possibly even sometime during that relationship. It was very much like "waking up" - I've had this feeling like I've lost years of my life, repressed and held down my self and my beliefs and my feelings. It's been a very strange sensation to say the least...and totally new to me. I don't necessarily regret the decisions I made in the past...I didn't know any better...but it's very strange to wake up one day and "feel" like I'm more awake than I've been in years.