Loneliness
Jun. 6th, 2014 09:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorSo, here I am again. I'm way better off than I was in the past, financially, mentally, physically. But there's still the one insufferable aspect of my life that, no matter what I do, never seems to come around. I'm just lonely.
It's so easy for some to say, do this, do that. But I just don't see it working, and I've tried. You could offer me a place to stay in a new venue, but it wouldn't change much. Because I'm still me. And the world still reacts to me the way it does. And I still am the way I am. I'm trying very hard to believe that it could get better - that someday, I'm going to look back on this and say, "I'm so happy I didn't do anything terrible to myself, I'm happy everything happened as it did because it led me here." But I don't really know if that day will ever come. And I don't really know if -I- can actually get my self to that day, anyway.
The loneliness is soul crushing, really. It's as if my heart is a black sun being pierced through by a million spears. I'm completely open, for the first time in my life, to people, to opportunities. But there are none. For all the opportunities I wasted, it seems, have led me to a point of no opportunity - and those opportunities that do come, are those I have lived before, with the same people, and the same situations, and the same loneliness, without being physically alone.
I don't really expect anyone to understand this. I'd post it for all the world to see, but I know it'd be lost on most of them. Most people don't fall as far as I have. They don't reach the point where they no longer have any peripheral contacts, and "friends" they could count on one hand's worth of fingers. Except those friends aren't interested in having me around when they're around other people...they're only interested in having me around when they don't have anyone else to spend their time with.
Yeah, there is this festival this weekend nearby and I won't attend - you ask why? Because my face is terribly broken out right now, and I can't muster the strength this weekend to overcome it. I have to muster immense tenacity every day, because there's very few times when it isn't an abomination to look upon - it's so utterly draining. I'm doing everything in my power to help it, and there is some progress being made, but the same cycles are going on physically and I can't stop it. I'm stressed out, I was sick for two days this week, and here it is, inflamed and broken out. I don't want to go be social when I feel and look like this. I -can't- be. That was probably my best opportunity for anything out of the ordinary, and I'm wasting it. But I don't want to beat my self up about it, I don't want to hurt my self over it. It is what it is. I just wish I'd catch a fucking break already. You can give me the best job in the world (and this one really isn't all that bad, when it boils down to it) and enough money to do whatever the hell I want, which I basically have, and I'm still a chained lion. A chained lion with some sort of readily apparent defect that keeps people from wanting to get too close, and not enough of a social value to warrant greater interest. That's the real world me - you see this side of me, and you may like it, may appreciate it, may even be attracted to it...but nobody in the real world sees this. They couldn't handle it, anyway - at least not the people I know now.
Maybe I was meant to be alone all along - it was and still is my greatest fear in this life. It would only be fitting that my greatest fear all along, was the one thing I had to accept to finish this life with any dignity.
There's not much dignity in begging for affection, and acting desperate, anyway. But it seems the opposite - acting aloof, tough, and hiding my inner self - is just as destructive. I have a hard time finding a middle ground. Hell, I don't even have anyone to interact with except at work anymore, so it really doesn't matter. Me complaining about women troubles is like complaining about imaginary friends.
It's so easy for some to say, do this, do that. But I just don't see it working, and I've tried. You could offer me a place to stay in a new venue, but it wouldn't change much. Because I'm still me. And the world still reacts to me the way it does. And I still am the way I am. I'm trying very hard to believe that it could get better - that someday, I'm going to look back on this and say, "I'm so happy I didn't do anything terrible to myself, I'm happy everything happened as it did because it led me here." But I don't really know if that day will ever come. And I don't really know if -I- can actually get my self to that day, anyway.
The loneliness is soul crushing, really. It's as if my heart is a black sun being pierced through by a million spears. I'm completely open, for the first time in my life, to people, to opportunities. But there are none. For all the opportunities I wasted, it seems, have led me to a point of no opportunity - and those opportunities that do come, are those I have lived before, with the same people, and the same situations, and the same loneliness, without being physically alone.
I don't really expect anyone to understand this. I'd post it for all the world to see, but I know it'd be lost on most of them. Most people don't fall as far as I have. They don't reach the point where they no longer have any peripheral contacts, and "friends" they could count on one hand's worth of fingers. Except those friends aren't interested in having me around when they're around other people...they're only interested in having me around when they don't have anyone else to spend their time with.
Yeah, there is this festival this weekend nearby and I won't attend - you ask why? Because my face is terribly broken out right now, and I can't muster the strength this weekend to overcome it. I have to muster immense tenacity every day, because there's very few times when it isn't an abomination to look upon - it's so utterly draining. I'm doing everything in my power to help it, and there is some progress being made, but the same cycles are going on physically and I can't stop it. I'm stressed out, I was sick for two days this week, and here it is, inflamed and broken out. I don't want to go be social when I feel and look like this. I -can't- be. That was probably my best opportunity for anything out of the ordinary, and I'm wasting it. But I don't want to beat my self up about it, I don't want to hurt my self over it. It is what it is. I just wish I'd catch a fucking break already. You can give me the best job in the world (and this one really isn't all that bad, when it boils down to it) and enough money to do whatever the hell I want, which I basically have, and I'm still a chained lion. A chained lion with some sort of readily apparent defect that keeps people from wanting to get too close, and not enough of a social value to warrant greater interest. That's the real world me - you see this side of me, and you may like it, may appreciate it, may even be attracted to it...but nobody in the real world sees this. They couldn't handle it, anyway - at least not the people I know now.
Maybe I was meant to be alone all along - it was and still is my greatest fear in this life. It would only be fitting that my greatest fear all along, was the one thing I had to accept to finish this life with any dignity.
There's not much dignity in begging for affection, and acting desperate, anyway. But it seems the opposite - acting aloof, tough, and hiding my inner self - is just as destructive. I have a hard time finding a middle ground. Hell, I don't even have anyone to interact with except at work anymore, so it really doesn't matter. Me complaining about women troubles is like complaining about imaginary friends.
