Not a leader, or a follower

[sathor]

Been a long couple days. Yesterday I woke up at 5:30am, did the work thing, and went weight lifting with my cousin (whom works in the same shop I do at the refinery.) He lifts a LOT compared to me - 245lb flat bench press on his first set. I did benches Thursday so I didn't bother - but I couldn't get that one off the rack. I didn't try 205, I may be able to one-rep that. Still, I ended up doing about 20 sets or so. Bent over rows, preacher curls, bench dips, and some volume shoulder and back stuff. I'm still pretty torn up today.

There was a lady there he had some sort of intention of setting me up with (but she didn't break up with her boyfriend, so he never went through with that.) She was cute, but leaving that day to go back home in the south. Not really my type, I felt. I was pretty silent, which I suppose isn't out of the ordinary for me. She said, "Nice meeting you, you'll never see me again now!" and I said as I was leaving, "Yeah, nice knowing ya," and I laughed out loud, which is a bit out of the ordinary. Of course, my cousin never bothered to introduce me and I didn't even introduce myself. This is something I've noticed with people around here, for whatever reason - basically none of my friends introduce me to anyone they know, and hardly anyone I meet introduces themselves to me unless I DO IT. It's ALWAYS on me. I don't know if it's a lack of manners in this rural subculture, or what? But I was raised and taught to do that, and I did grow up here, so it seems very strange. Or maybe it has something to do with me?

After that I raced home and downed some carbohydrates because I didn't know whether my friends and I would be stopping to eat before seeing Godzilla. Well, they decided to stop last minute at the China Buffet. This time, it wasn't so bad (not so the last time.) My friends "accidentally" put me on the buffet, even though I told them to keep me off of it...so I paid $10 for a small plate of food. Silly. White rice and some black fried chicken shrimp (very spicy!.) It was really good, honestly - I never thought I'd enjoy Chinese food but I really liked that. The Chinese pop music in the background was a nice touch, and I really -do- like how wide open and airy the inside of the place is. It felt very traditional. I feel like the last time I was there (years ago, with some people that I probably didn't feel that comfortable with) I couldn't even experience the place. It's like I couldn't even -see- it or -feel- it because I was so anxiety ridden. It's so WEIRD how much I have changed, even though I'm still in the same place.

The movie was OK. There were some slow points and the story dragged for awhile, but I enjoyed it. Of course just spending some quality time with my two best friends was probably the best part about the whole night.

After that, I brought them back to Rick's car at my house. I filled up on the way - the new car is getting about 33 mpg, which is quite nice! We had a bit of a chat at the kitchen table over a couple beers and that was that. I went to bed early.

This morning I woke up, ate, and took my old car to a junk yard in Sugar Grove with my father. Neat. I wouldn't have minded looking around for awhile, but I guess today was not that day. He was ready to roll as soon as the cash was in my hand, so that was that. He went off to be a judge at a car/motorcycle/tractor show in the "big" town of Tidioute, Pennsylvania, and I stayed home the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing. This does not bother me. Friday was quite a lot more than I am used to, and I even refused to go out tonight because I just wanted to relax. This is my old three day weekend for awhile, due to the holiday, so I'd like to recuperate.

That's it for now, I think I should try and update on my internals and thoughts tomorrow.

Ah, and then I realize why I decided I was going to write this in the first place as I looked at the title again (writing this has taken close to an hour, between me getting sidetracked in other windows.)

Some "game" article I had come across made me think about this whole leader and follower business. According to "game" professionals, if you can't lead women, you're pretty much doomed. I think maybe they are correct. I haven't met too many ladies in my life that wanted someone to make decisions together with them, you know. Every girlfriend I ever had, I think, seemed to get rubbed the wrong way when I took their feelings into consideration or asked them for their opinion on what to do, or even downright told them they were deciding. Most often I think this was because I was happy doing anything as long as it was with them - that doesn't really seem all that bad, but apparently it's really bad "male etiquette." I guess because I was born with different genitals and levels of hormones, that means I have to be some kind of leader, the ultimate decision maker, the "alpha"? Why do I feel like THAT is really sexist towards men? Why do I feel like anyone who is well-balanced inside of themselves is really at odds with greater society in the west, and my generation in particular?

I'm not a leader, or a follower. The first girl I ever fell in love with (she was 5 years older than me, and thankfully I didn't have sex with her at 15 when the opportunity was there) actually told me she felt I wasn't a beta or an alpha - I was completely outside of the rank and file and there was something really /weird/ about that. Just a thought that comes to mind over this whole thing.

I'm so sick of stereotypes and everyone trying to fit everything into nice neat little boxes. Life is absolutely NOT THAT. Women are NOT attracted to "this one fucking thing." Men are not, "this one fucking thing." If having a "cocky funny because I read Neil Strauss" attitude is what every single woman on this planet wants in a man, then I guess I'm going to be single because I'm not reading Neil Strauss and I refuse to believe that anyone has this shit figured out. If there's some piece of me missing because I didn't develop completely, or because I was beat up so much as a young person, and that's the source of my social and relationship difficulties...then it is what it is, you know? I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect. I have to try and be happy with what I am, and who I am. I can't allow my tailor-fit suffering in ONE FACET of this life to ruin the rest of it. It sucks, maybe it will get better, maybe it won't. I hope it does. But if it doesn't, please God, let me find my happiness and peace anyway. This is getting really free-writing like and I apologize, but I suppose I have a LOT of unconscious and subconscious feelings on this subject matter.

That's that for now.

Comments

[noximist.livejournal.com]

Here's what perplexes me: you just spent the better part of three paragraphs criticizing the gendered theory that men must behave in certain ways, and you did so in a clear and thoughtful manner. However, immediately preceding that analysis is the sentence in which you accepted one of the (many) incredibly sexist beliefs PUAs have about women, namely that they all want to be led by a strong "alpha" man. We all have contradictions in our belief systems, but it's particularly glaring when mismatched ideas are placed side-by-side like that.

You're right when you state that women are not universally attracted to any one attribute; they vary on an individual basis, just as men do. Given that, why can't you see that the experiences you've had with women form a tiny dataset that do not even begin to represent 50% of the world's population? I know women who love take-charge men, women who want to be in control of every situation, and women who like changing it up based on how they feel that day, and I suspect you do, too. If you don't, it means your dating pool is far too limited, or you're not seeing everything the women around you have to offer.

One of my friends has a theory that all interpersonal relationships, both sexual and platonic, have a dom/sub element which is particular to the context in which it arises. That is, in any given pairing, one person tends to be more likely to lead, while the other is more likely to follow. However, if you take one of those individuals and place him or her in a different pairing, he or she might take on the other role; it depends on how the personalities blend. I don't think this is a universal truth, but I do see it play out in my own relationships. Have you ever noticed that the same PUA/MRA dudes who talk about how women need men to lead them tend to froth at the mouth about "uptight feminist bitches" who don't know their place? Those are women who might lead in their relationships, and dudes who are desperate to be alphas aren't confident or open enough to let that happen. (They also tend to hate women, but I assume you know that already.)

Don't let anyone dictate who you are; there's nothing wrong with escaping the nicely-labeled boxes, and people would do well to do so more often. However, if you want to be liberated from those expectations, it is very important that you offer others the same courtesy.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I suppose I accepted it because, as you have pointed out, my pool has been infinitesimally small. Most of the guys I know who have women currently ARE the leaders, most of the guys I know who are successful often with women ARE leaders. This is very generational - if I look at my parents generation, for instance, it looks a /lot/ different. This area has its own little silly subculture as it is - you grew up in a small town, right? So I imagine you get that. All that being said, I really didn't mean that I accepted it fully - I merely accepted it as a possibility. I'm sorry if this read as a convoluted mess, and like you said, had some contradictory viewpoints, but eventually they'll synthesize out. This is a typical process for me, and at the moment I'm winning the war against the black and white reasoning I am all too often guilty of.

Your friends theory is accurate I think, because having stayed in the same workplace as long as I have, I have been able to experience it. Once you know more than everyone else you are working with, you are forced to become dominant in some respects, and even if you were submissive in the beginning, you eventually will have to lead the less-experienced. And yes, I've seen it in friendships too, although maybe not as much as I should have - I haven't exactly made a lot of new friends over the course of the past ten years, and ones that were made were often very temporary. My last relationship put me in a dominant position because I was a bit older and she was very immature experience-wise - and while it ended on a sour note, like they all have, I guess I saw your friend's theory there, too.

I'm surprised to see you popped up on here, but glad as well. Figured you were off on adventures forever, I did. Hope all is well, Sarah -hug-.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I suppose I should try and address the other couple points here - I've been in a very writing-oriented mood today, so I'll do that.

Yeah, the PUA/MRA community when it comes to that specific subset are obviously screwed up. If you're going to be an activist for men's rights, you should probably start from a place of equality - i.e. women have as much a right to lead as men. Then again their hatred stems from one issue, that is namely (I think) that they have no real control over whether or not they can obtain affection, sex, relationships or whatever else. They are unwilling to accept that they can't control it, that ultimately, the other person they are focusing on at that moment controls whether or not that happens. And that works both ways - women can't control whether a man they desire will sleep with them or not. It's that man's decision. Except in the event of rape, of course, but that's criminal. I've been pressured into sex before, and I haven't put myself in a position like that ever since (I really doubt I could even manage a one nighter as a result, which seems to be the new trend in how to even GET INTO a relationship.) I don't know if you have, but if statistics are accurate, there's a pretty good chance you have. It's fucking terrible, it's dehumanizing, and it's humiliating. Back to the point here, though - a lot of these extreme ends of either activist group - be it feminism or men's rights - seem to me to have an addiction to power and control. That addiction is incredibly destructive. I've seen a lot of /really bad/ feminist posts plastered all over the internet, full of victim mentality that reminds me of some of my darkest posts, finger pointing, and a desire to control other people in a tyrannical fashion. Likewise I've seen it with PUA and men's rights - and most recently, this whole Elliot Rodgers shooting deal, but I'm kinda planning on writing an entry about that anyway as I read the guy's manifesto.

I've struggled for a long time with the neat little boxes. Trying to fit myself into my perceived ideal was possibly the most destructive thing I could have ever done - it closed my mind, it made it far too easy for me to point fingers...made it too easy for me to be in a dark place of "me vs. them." I still don't like characteristics of certain people, and some people really are downright fucked up, but it's a lot easier to tolerate them once I accept that they are all multi-faceted - even guys who I know are complete bastards to women actually have some redeeming qualities, although I have to shut out their psycho-babble and misogyny (and yeah, it can get infuriating knowing some are more successful with women than I, but it's the right of every person to interact with who they choose - and maybe I'm in reality a lot more screwed up than given bastard.)

I still struggle with some aspects of giving everyone that courtesy, though. For instance, rampant jingoism in my country and state supported terrorism - it is completely ridiculous to me that human beings can be blind to this reality, and I wish it would change...but being that it is so normative, it's almost impossible to expect...and therefore, I have to keep my mouth shut more often than I would like.