Friday

[sathor]

Weirdness today. I came home and ate about three bowls of corn flake cereal, and then I promptly laid myself down to sleep about 5pm. I woke up at midnight. Either I'm catching a bit of something, or I'm back to my old day-shift tricks of running on constant sleep deprivation. Now that I think about it, it could explain why I haven't been sore after working out. Either way, I'm still awake at 2am and this absolutely sucks. My body clock still is not on day shift, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm just not all that "well" right now. My scalp was acting up a bit this week to boot, and my face is breaking out in weird ways it normally doesn't. All bad signals. Luckily the scalp thing died down quickly (I think.) It has been a year or so since I had a full blown outbreak there.

Yes, I bought a car. A brand new 2014 Chevrolet Cruze in Tungsten Metallic. The engine looks far easier to work on than one would expect with a modern vehicle. I did not finance because the interest rates were terrible (that seems like a lot of money to spend at once, but remember, I've been saving over half of every paycheck for the past three years.) I actually went into a rant about the credit system at one point with their finance guy - I know he didn't care, and a lot of dealerships make money off of finance anyway. But it was nice to blow off a little steam. 7.1% interest for someone who paid carefully on college loans for a few years, and has no bad credit, seems a little ridiculous. The banks would have made $1500 off of me over the life of the loan, simply to boost my credit score a bit - and according to the finance guy, if I didn't have active debt in the past six months, my score was effectively zero - and I've heard I need a 750 to mortgage a house, so it looks like I'll never be buying a house on credit (or ever. Because I'm an anarcho-syndicalist communist whatever.)

I really accomplished zilch again this week. I guess that's okay; things still aren't right and I'm still quite out of it. Getting this whole car thing lined up last week and the beginning of this one took even more of my spoons - I really doubt I'll be going anywhere or doing much of anything this weekend, unless I feel particularly energetic tomorrow. I'm worried that this pattern may never change without a major life changing event, but I can't change it all at once...and right now I feel like I need to work on my self more than I need to work on fixing anything "out there" in my life.

I successfully managed to get myself called a bitter psychopath on the internet tonight, over a comment on some "nice guy" article. I said something to the effect of, "I feel very little pity for those who avoid the good and virtuous at all costs and instead pursue abusive, or "dark-triad" men." (and this issue is close to my heart because a lot of female friends I've known around here end up having children or staying in abusive relationships with these "negative" men.) Apparently it's very politically incorrect to suggest that women who stay in abusive relationships are even partially to blame for the situation, and I even mentioned the master exception, that is, most people don't actually control whether they are codependent or not - it's how they were made (and it takes work to fix that.) Still, a bitter psychopath? I really love the internet.

I suppose maybe I was a little harsh as a whole, but the Jenn thing sticks with me. Cheated on so many times, abused, emotionally and physically, made to be dependent on someone who is very undependable by nature. And one time I suggested, "just leave him." To which she responded, "But the sex is so good, and I don't think I can get anything close to it anywhere else." Sometimes it seems like the world is just this big comedy club and I'm not really allowed to be a part of it, but instead, I get to become the most cynical and jaded man the world has ever known. You can't judge all women on one, you probably can't even judge a small portion of women on one, but the fact that the statement was ever made, and I had to hear it, is insane.

This week dragged on. Very little work at work, and a lot of chatting with a newer employee who is filling in at the warehouse. He's quite gifted, good for conversation, and dating a friend's ex-girlfriend (whom I was also friends with when I was a teenager.) This helped brighten my spirits a bit, which is good. Still lonely on the love front, though - but that really can't change until I figure out where I can broaden my pool of potentials. I don't even know any at the moment, besides the crazy girl who's younger than me with three children she doesn't have custody of, parties all the time, is on probation and is my sister's friend. SHE still wants me around, and I'm almost at the point where I may oblige her and go hang out. I really feel like it's a bad idea, and I'm starting to wonder if fate is just getting a huge kick out of leading women like her in my direction while keeping all the other ones way out of reach.

This has been random and rambling, and I feel like there's plenty of other things I'd like to write about, but I'll leave it at this for now.

Comments

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

So, three bowls of corn flakes with milk sent you straight into 'carbohydrate coma'; you went to bed in the afternoon, slept seven hours, and woke up in the middle of the night with your sleep-schedule all awry again. Feeling weird and unwell as a result is only to be expected. If you're going to eat commercial cereal at all, only eat it for 'second breakfast' ('first breakfast' should always be a piece of fruit) and only eat one bowl at a time, because it's mostly empty calories. If you need to take a nap, set your alarm to wake you in two hours, and then get right up. Go for a little walk after you eat, to keep your brain oxygenated and alert while you're digesting.

I know it's tiresome to always have to be monitoring one's diet, sleep, hydration, oxygenation, etcetera etcetera all the time - 'Mortal Body Maintenance', we call it - but the alternative is to function poorly. There are people who seem to thrive without paying any attention to all that, but look again in thirty years and they won't be so thriving any more, whereas the people whose more-sensitive physiology forced them to pay attention to their self-care will be doing a lot better. So, it's kind of a 'left-hand blessing', but a blessing nonetheless, to have the sort of body that doesn't tolerate neglect.

Huzzah for your buying the car, and especially for not financing it! The credit system is a huge rip-off. I have no credit rating either, and never have had one because I've never been in debt - one would think that was a good thing, but the banks don't see it that way. There are other ways to buy a house than going through the banks, anyway.

So, if you don't have anything particular to do this weekend, you could just stay home and do chores - that's a productive activity that's always available, and always gives a satisfactory feeling of accomplishment afterward. Getting your own life in order is a complex and important project; it's naturally not going to leave much leisure for pointless partying, or for hanging out with tedious people.

(Another too-long comment, continued...)

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

"crazy girl who's younger than me with three children she doesn't have custody of, parties all the time, is on probation and is my sister's friend. SHE still wants me around, and I'm almost at the point where I may oblige her and go hang out. I really feel like it's a bad idea"

Uh, ya think? Your description of her makes me think there ought to be a male version of the song Self-Esteem.

You're not a bitter psychopath, hon. However, I think your lack of sympathy for women who put up with abusive or exploitative partners probably does have a large element of projection in it, because you seem to have had plenty of your own experience with the 'Dark Triad' personality in relationships. It's the traits we dislike most in ourselves that we dislike most in others. There isn't a big difference between "But the sex is so good, and I don't think I can get anything close to it anywhere else." and "SHE still wants me around, and I'm almost at the point where I may oblige her and go hang out." You know, yourself, how agonizing loneliness is, and how abjectly desperate it can make a person for any semblance of affection, however minimal and/or toxic.

So, yeah, saying that you have no pity for women who do the same thing in relationships that you have done yourself is really not fair. The word pity is offensive in itself, and to say that you have "no pity" is to express contempt. Women in abusive relationships don't want your pity any more than you want theirs. The fact that you have no compassion for them is nothing to brag about , and your bragging about it like that would be considered a Big Red Flag by most women. Hopefully, as you come to have more understanding of how relationships work, you will also come to have more compassion for the reasons they fail, and for the poor choices people make when they're in pain.

"I get to become the most cynical and jaded man the world has ever known."

No you don't. You're not even a contender. Sheesh, talk about the 'Dark Triad'; I can think of several spiteful, twisted, evil old curmudgeons who are ten times more jaded and cynical than you at your very lowest. You'd have to have been brought up (as they were) by twisted, spiteful people, to even approach the habitual state of bitter fuck-all-y'all in which they live. It's certainly not an enviable condition.

"Still lonely on the love front, though - but that really can't change until I figure out where I can broaden my pool of potentials."

Well, your Ren Faire is only three weeks away - I say get online and buy your season pass right away, so you've already paid in advance for all four weekends, and thus will be less inclined to blow it off. There will be more beautiful young single ladies there than you can shake a stick at, most of them living in your area, and most of them geeks like you.

If you don't have some, it wouldn't hurt for you to order some nice personal cards with your name, phone,, e-mail, facebook, etc.- giving a lady your card makes it easy for her to get in touch with you if she wants, without her feeling pressured to give you her information. By the time June is over, your pool of potentials ought to be considerably expanded - heh, try not to fall in love the very first weekend, though; take your time and shop for quality, just like with the cloak.

*hugs* Hope you're feeling better, and your weekend goes well!

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I was unwell and weird before doing all of that, though - and sleep deprived to boot. I think the lack of soreness this week from my workouts had something to do with that, in hindsight...I was only getting 4-5 hours of a sleep a night. But yeah, I know, it's not exactly a good idea to eat like that all at once...however, it was unsweetened corn flakes. Just a ton of complex carbs, which at my metabolic rate (and with my workouts), is necessary from time to time :( I don't eat a lot at work, typically a small amount of leftovers, a salad with fresh greens and veggies like tomatoes, sweet peppers, cucumbers, and maybe a granola bar and some yogurt, and fruit. So basically, I get two large meals a day...and on weekends I do slack on dinners quite often.

It is absolutely tiring to monitor it. But I don't really have a choice...I'm so sensitive to everything in this life. You seem to know exactly what I mean, too.

I did a few chores this weekend - cleaned out my old car, and took care of some things around the house that my 'rents would normally do. Saturday I was invited out for a couple drinks and I obliged, and managed to meet up with a couple old friends at a fire later that night (one is a union pipe fitter who ends up in United from time to time, always good to see him.) H2HC seems somewhat prescient, because the bar went a lot better than I would have expected, and I had some much deeper conversations than I normally would have. People seemed to open up to me a lot more easily...just strange coincidences.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

There is a male version of Self Esteem, actually. It's by The Offspring. Not sure if it's a cover or just a completely different song, but yeah, that's pretty much what it's all about.

You're totally correct here, and I saw that as I was going through the motions of what I described the other day. I didn't mention it, but I agree, it's basically projection - I dealt with a lot of negativity, stress and damage that I should have never, but I did it anyway because I was afraid of being alone. And here I am, alone anyway, and scarred up to boot...I guess the hope is that there was some good that came out of all of it as well. Hopefully there's the remote possibility that I still get to have a family and find someone I can trust, too. I completely understand where these women are coming from, but I think the lack of empathy may come from somewhere else - probably, it has more to do with my power and sensation centers, because I wish I still had someone, and they do...even if it's terrible for them (and it might be for me, too.) Envy is one of those terrible soul-destroying sins.

I have my moments where I feel incredibly cynical and jaded. Some days are worse than others. I still think I'm good at heart, though - I'm just not really recognized for it.

I probably should do what you suggest, but in all reality I think I'll be procrastinating a bit. We'll see. I feel kinda bleh at the moment, and it's not a good time to make decisions on something completely outside of my comfort zone like that.

-hug- Hope all things are good! Yes, this LJ recode sucks!

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

It is absolutely tiring to monitor it all, I know. Easy to feel resentful about it ("Why me?"); easy to blow it off when one's feeling discouraged or stressed-out ("What's the use?"); easy to blow it off when one is feeling particularly well and productive ("I'm fine, I don't need to") - easy to get highly frustrated when one does everything faithfully, and still has the bad times anyway.

The only answer is to keep on plugging away at it. Could be worse, after all: could be Type One diabetes, or celiac disease, or multiple chemical sensitivity - any of the various conditions that require strict lifelong monitoring in order for one to live at all. "Could be worse" is not much of a consolation, but it's something. You're a highly sensitive person, and there are a lot of us, all in pretty-much the same boat.

Sensitivity is actually a good thing, but it's hard to remember that when one is in pain from sensory assaults that the dull-normal folk can't even perceive, or made ill from doing things that 'everybody else' does all the time. There are things one can do to decrease one's sensory defensiveness - including some things that come under the heading of 'magick' because they work in mysterious ways - and these are very useful, but mostly one just has to accept it and work around it.

Sounds like your diet is pretty healthy. Do you live with your family? For some reason I had the impression that you lived alone in an old farmhouse.

*grins* H2HC is prescient, in that gloriously logical cause-and-effect sort of way. People treat us the way we teach them to treat us, and most of the teaching is done on such a subtle, subliminal level that it never impinges on conscious awareness. Yay for going out and having a good time with your friends!

By now, I surmise you're beginning to grok why H2HC was my prerequisite for Initiatory training, and why so many people who thought they wanted the training didn't get through it. It's a lot harder than it sounds to do any practice for 30 consecutive days without fail; plus, as simple as the Living Love methods are, they bring up some very heavy stuff, in a very direct, non-woo sort of way. I am delighted to see you working so diligently, and seeing such good results - they're neither strange, nor coincidence; they are the natural result of your focusing your Will upon your Intent.

(LOL, ack, and now I'm writing like Crowley! Everything sounds so much more Arcane when it's Capitalized.)

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Haha, I love The Offspring's 'Self-Esteem'; they totally nailed it. I need to pass that one along to my friends' son, who's in the process of divorcing the manipulative skank mother of his toddler son who left him for someone else, only she still wants to come over for booty calls.

He is just your age, and his situation is an illustration of what could have happened to you just as easily if you'd married the wrong woman and had a child with her. He'll be dealing with this dumb selfish bitch for the rest of his days, while she has half the rearing of his son. He'll have to organize his life around his son's needs, which makes it a lot harder for him to have girlfriends, let alone to marry again. He loves his baby, but having one was not really his idea, and he has no child-rearing skills to speak of. It's a hard road he's got to travel, but fortunately he's well-employed, owns his house, has family nearby, and he and the child are both healthy.

There are people who reach the age of 30 without ever having their hearts broken, their trust betrayed, their psyche scarred, etcetera. But there are also a lot who don't. There are people who marry their childhood sweethearts and live happily ever after till they're past 90, but they're pretty rare. You're scarred up a bit, but scars do fade over time, and what remains is a reminder of the lessons one has learned - usually variations on "Yo, next time pay attention!"

There's a lot better than a 'remote' possibility that you will find a good wife and have a family. There's an excellent probability that you will have them, if you act in accordance with your Will. Thinking and speaking of the things you want as if there was little or no chance of getting them is self-sabotage; it weakens your Will and fosters despair. And there seems no reason to disparage your chances - actually, you seem like rather a 'catch', and you're only just entering the suitable age for a man to consider marriage anyway.

Do you know about Affirmations? The 12 Pathways are technically Affirmations, but what I mean is the simple, personal ones such as "I am replacing every negative thought with two positive thoughts", "I'm taking the optimistic view", "I have faith in myself" and so on. The Affirmation I quit smoking on was "I will never smoke another cigarette"; I still use it any time the thought of smoking arises.

LOL, there is no 'should', young Jedi; there's only Will or Won't. Your current 'comfort zone' is manifestly uncomfortable because it lacks fair young ladies - particularly those of the artistic temperament to appreciate your qualities - so there seems little advantage to staying in it. Fortune favors the bold; here's four weekends' worth of fair young ladies coming to camp practically on your doorstep like the answer to your prayers: what more could you ask?

Ack, wretched Lj recode! I was so relieved there was a 'fix' for it. You got that, yes? If not, it's in the comments of my 'Virulent Profanity' post. LMAO, "I am freeing myself from security, sensation and power addictions that make me sound like Ranty McRantypants, and thus annoy my audience and keep me from getting my act together."

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I do live with my family, yes. I'd be hard pressed to find an old farmhouse around here like this that'd I'd be willing to buy and have to myself...actually, if I have to live alone, I'd prefer it to be in town. Someday this will end up being mine, and if I'm still alone then, it will be hard to want to live here. It is lonely. I thought I mentioned at some point I was still at home with my 'rents? Ah well. Yeah, I'm what most people consider to be a "failed launch." Reality is, I had plans more than once to get an apartment or rent a house with a girlfriend and things always broke up shortly after we decided to do so. I really don't NEED a bachelor pad so badly that I want to spend the extra money...at least not right now. There's already a shortage of places for people to stay and jacked up rent prices for the area.

My diet is semi-healthy. I NEVER ate vegetables as a child and teenager. I found out I really like a lot of fresh veggies, so I started eating variety salads daily - a few servings at minimum a day, then, which is a lot better than none. Outside of that, yes, I try to stick with whole foods and stuff that's good for me - I hardly ever indulge in sweets, and I've mostly cut soda out of my diet (I may drink the equivalent of a can or two per day, and really, that's too much anymore.) I can honestly say I'm not a fan of cooked vegetables, though. And lately I've found I much prefer eating a couple oranges and a banana every day over drinking juices.

I can see why you'd make it a prerequisite - it seems to be cleaning out some cobwebs and letting me see things a little more clearly in general. The hope is that it continues to function though, and that I can learn and understand it better as time goes on. Because I'm still not super familiar with it by any means, or at least I don't feel that I am.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Doesn't sound like a 'failed launch' to me; sounds like the sensible choice. The notion that children are 'supposed to' leave the family home as soon as they're legal adults didn't get started until after WWII, with the rise of the 'nuclear family' that could be moved like pawns all over the country. Before that, extended families living together was the norm in America, and it's still the norm in most other countries. Now it's getting to be the norm here again, because housing is just too expensive, and with times being what they are, it's best to stick together.

Here's an article that may interest you, on Emerging Adulthood. Times have changed - a lot of things have changed - and the expectations for your time of life are all different from what they were, even in the generation before yours. Many of the difficulties you experience aren't just *you*; they're a result of widespread societal alterations.

A few servings of salad plus a few pieces of fruit every day sounds like a good base-line for a healthy diet. Do you ever make stir-fry? The great thing about stir-fry vegetables is that they're still crispy. I buy the big bags of frozen stir-fry mix, so I don't have to mess around with prep, and add garlic, ginger etc.to taste.

Once you get the Pathways memorized, it'll all go more smoothly - they're really the keystone of the whole practice. Here's some helpful stuff on memorizing and using them. There's also a printable Daily Practice Book, which adds a bit more structure. Unfortunately, the H2HC workbook 'The Methods Work...If You Do' is out of print now, and used copies are insanely expensive, but all the information in it may be found at this site.