Shutdown is Over (Maybe)
Apr. 30th, 2014 07:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorThere are some minor hiccups, there's the possibility I may work this weekend but the odds look good for not. I've done moderate workouts the past two days and that probably doesn't help my energy levels, but I need to get back in the swing of things...and I'm still not adjusted to day shift but I should be within a week or two, I hope.
My emotional state has been fluxing a bit, but it seems different. The swings aren't quite as severe, and I'm shutting them down before they get out of control relatively well - it feels almost like short bursts of negative emotion, be it anger or sadness, usually linked up with something that triggered it...maybe by shutting it down before it gets out of control, I'll affect how powerful the triggers are as well? At the least it's resulting in me feeling a bit more leveled out. All of that being said, I still worry that by stopping these episodes, I'm preventing my growth. I think that was always the argument - beating myself up meant I was trying to work out a problem, or trying to shine light on something I was avoiding or denying...but when push came to shove, it never did any good whatsoever. It never resulted in problem solving. But at least when I was beating myself up, I wasn't denying the issue was there. I was making sure that I was painfully aware of it.
I'm actually really exhausted right now, and have been the past few days. One thing about nights that was good was that I was able to do things on my own, and enjoy solitude, without having to feel guilty - now my friends are being needy because they know I'm available, and I, as usual, feel the need to oblige.
I need to buy a new car. Mine will not pass inspection. This is a whole level of stress I really am not familiar with - I have the money, but it's not really what it was for. But, I have no choice. I live in rural Pennsylvania, and even if I were to go back to college or move, I'd need something...at least at first. So that's how that goes. I will probably get the Chevy Cruze and put at least half on the down payment...and finance the rest to build credit, because I don't have any. I hate the credit system...but I may have to buy a house someday.
That's it for now...I'll try to be more lucid on another day.
My emotional state has been fluxing a bit, but it seems different. The swings aren't quite as severe, and I'm shutting them down before they get out of control relatively well - it feels almost like short bursts of negative emotion, be it anger or sadness, usually linked up with something that triggered it...maybe by shutting it down before it gets out of control, I'll affect how powerful the triggers are as well? At the least it's resulting in me feeling a bit more leveled out. All of that being said, I still worry that by stopping these episodes, I'm preventing my growth. I think that was always the argument - beating myself up meant I was trying to work out a problem, or trying to shine light on something I was avoiding or denying...but when push came to shove, it never did any good whatsoever. It never resulted in problem solving. But at least when I was beating myself up, I wasn't denying the issue was there. I was making sure that I was painfully aware of it.
I'm actually really exhausted right now, and have been the past few days. One thing about nights that was good was that I was able to do things on my own, and enjoy solitude, without having to feel guilty - now my friends are being needy because they know I'm available, and I, as usual, feel the need to oblige.
I need to buy a new car. Mine will not pass inspection. This is a whole level of stress I really am not familiar with - I have the money, but it's not really what it was for. But, I have no choice. I live in rural Pennsylvania, and even if I were to go back to college or move, I'd need something...at least at first. So that's how that goes. I will probably get the Chevy Cruze and put at least half on the down payment...and finance the rest to build credit, because I don't have any. I hate the credit system...but I may have to buy a house someday.
That's it for now...I'll try to be more lucid on another day.
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no subject
Date: 2014-05-05 02:45 am (UTC)Emotional fluxes are always going to happen. They're like weather; they go through cycles - some people just have a more turbulent 'climate' than others, like that Stevie Nicks song that says "I've never been a calm blue sea; I've always been a storm." For sure, you're learning things from stopping the negative thought-patterns that generate unpleasant emotional states - probably the most important thing is that you can stop them.
Bad habits frequently masquerade as problem-solving. "A drink will calm me down." "A cigarette will help me focus." "I saved money by buying all this stuff on sale", "Criticizing people helps them improve", "When you're right, paranoia is just good thinking". Rumination in particular tries to slip by as 'thinking seriously about the issue", when what it really is, is spinning one's wheels deeper and deeper into the mud. You can be aware of a problem without having to be painfully aware of it - pain is a Stop sign; when you feel pain, it's a warning to stop doing whatever's causing it.
A new car and building credit both sound like very sensible moves.in your ongoing project of improving your life, whether or not you eventually move and/or go back to college. The credit system undoubtedly does suck, but there's really no way around it. So, good on you; seems like you are doing the things you need to do. *hugs* Keep on keeping on!