(no subject)
Mar. 4th, 2014 04:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorSlowly I am ground to dust in the gears of this giant machine man has made to run the world.
I feel more heartless as time goes on. How could I feel pity for others, when so much suffering is produced at the hands of all of us? Even if I were to be self-righteous and proclaim that I am not adding on, certainly I have, certainly I will. It is an inevitability of life in a closed system. It is particularly unavoidable when resources are spread so thin among so few, that we essentially fight one-another, step on one-another, and use one-another, to obtain whatever we can - even if it is the bare minimum necessary for survival. I make decent wages - but the rat race is destroying me. The commute in and out of work is nearly enough in and of itself to drive me mad, let alone the eight and a half hours I must spend lest I be reprimanded or terminated.
It's driving me mad. Completely and utterly mad. How is it that so many people tolerate this, day in, day out, for a lifetime, without completely losing their sanity? Is my mind wired so differently than theirs? Am I even a man? Am I a beast, or a God, instead, as Socrates said of the misanthrope? Is my mental state faulty, or wrong - is it wrong to feel the way I do? Is it wrong to feel as though it's completely intolerable to work day in, day out, for a living wage, for the rest of my life, with so little time in truth outside of work itself and recovery? How could I possibly find a life mate, when I am so drained and barren - how could I possibly have a rich and vibrant social life? And it has never been any different - school felt the same way, made me feel the same way, and I was just as incapable in those days as I am today. If I improve my energy levels, it seems as though the trials and tribulations simply turn up the volume. Whatever level of health, well being and fitness I achieve, it seems that there is always a new wall appearing to be climbed, more difficult than the last. Will my only solace be in the final release of death? Is that the only goal here?
In my end of day reverie, I sat idly in my chair at work waiting for the clock to strike 3:30. My mind drifted to a different time as my heart rate slowed, my world went to a crawl, and my physical senses dulled. There she was again - Cookie. All I could remember is how powerful our feelings were for each other, how strong that love was, and how frighteningly easy it was to be taken away from me. Nothing in this world lasts, not even me. What a hopeless realization, and yet still, there is the intense desire and longing for that feeling again, even though I recognize the futility of it, even though I recognize no human being can truly be trusted because I can never know their true form until they show it.
I feel at times as though I live in some sort of twisted reality, ruled by a mad demon, controlling everything I experience, punishing every good deed, and making sure that if I am to receive anything, that I become fully attached before it is ripped away.
I feel more heartless as time goes on. How could I feel pity for others, when so much suffering is produced at the hands of all of us? Even if I were to be self-righteous and proclaim that I am not adding on, certainly I have, certainly I will. It is an inevitability of life in a closed system. It is particularly unavoidable when resources are spread so thin among so few, that we essentially fight one-another, step on one-another, and use one-another, to obtain whatever we can - even if it is the bare minimum necessary for survival. I make decent wages - but the rat race is destroying me. The commute in and out of work is nearly enough in and of itself to drive me mad, let alone the eight and a half hours I must spend lest I be reprimanded or terminated.
It's driving me mad. Completely and utterly mad. How is it that so many people tolerate this, day in, day out, for a lifetime, without completely losing their sanity? Is my mind wired so differently than theirs? Am I even a man? Am I a beast, or a God, instead, as Socrates said of the misanthrope? Is my mental state faulty, or wrong - is it wrong to feel the way I do? Is it wrong to feel as though it's completely intolerable to work day in, day out, for a living wage, for the rest of my life, with so little time in truth outside of work itself and recovery? How could I possibly find a life mate, when I am so drained and barren - how could I possibly have a rich and vibrant social life? And it has never been any different - school felt the same way, made me feel the same way, and I was just as incapable in those days as I am today. If I improve my energy levels, it seems as though the trials and tribulations simply turn up the volume. Whatever level of health, well being and fitness I achieve, it seems that there is always a new wall appearing to be climbed, more difficult than the last. Will my only solace be in the final release of death? Is that the only goal here?
In my end of day reverie, I sat idly in my chair at work waiting for the clock to strike 3:30. My mind drifted to a different time as my heart rate slowed, my world went to a crawl, and my physical senses dulled. There she was again - Cookie. All I could remember is how powerful our feelings were for each other, how strong that love was, and how frighteningly easy it was to be taken away from me. Nothing in this world lasts, not even me. What a hopeless realization, and yet still, there is the intense desire and longing for that feeling again, even though I recognize the futility of it, even though I recognize no human being can truly be trusted because I can never know their true form until they show it.
I feel at times as though I live in some sort of twisted reality, ruled by a mad demon, controlling everything I experience, punishing every good deed, and making sure that if I am to receive anything, that I become fully attached before it is ripped away.
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no subject
Date: 2014-03-05 01:15 am (UTC)Yes, you're a man. You're an unhappy young man with a decently-paid but otherwise extremely sucky, soul-devouring job that you hate, living in a dead-end social environment that offers you few or no opportunities for the kind of interaction you long for.
How do people tolerate the grind, day in and day out? They desensitize - and remember, most of them were not that sensitive or intelligent to begin with. They dumb down, dull down, deny, distract themselves. They drink, and watch TV, and numb themselves with religious rationalization, and do all the other traditional prole-type things that proles do to not go raving-mad in their empty meaningless lives of 'quiet desperation'.
Your brain may indeed be wired quite differently. You may never be able to dull down your senses and dumb down your thinking enough to tolerate either the prole life or the academic life. You may have to search quite a while before you find your niche. You will probably have to give up a lot of your pre-conceived notions about how the world works.
"Will my only solace be in the final release of death? Is that the only goal here?"
From an evolutionary perspective, the goal of every life-form is to reproduce. From a human evolutionary perspective, it's not enough just to pass on one's genes; one is also responsible for passing on one's wisdom to the next generation. Therefore, young philosopher, your Prime Directive is to gain wisdom worth passing on.
I'm here to tell ya, these grim thoughts are not wisdom, and indulging in them is not going to make anything clearer or easier. Negative self-talk is the psychic equivalent of self-injury. There aren't any demons; nobody is controlling your fate or punishing you; reality is just reality, and what you experience in it is nothing more or less than cause and effect.. For example, when you ruminate on dark and pessimistic themes, you are programming yourself to feel helpless despair, which makes you less able to cope with your life, which reinforces the pessimism. So quit it. Stop doing that. It's an icky habit, and you will be much better off without it.
Alas, painfully poignant moments of missing one's ex-lover are part of the Human Condition, and so are 'dark nights of the soul' where one feels the grief and terror of being mortal. Attachment invariably causes suffering, but so does disconnection. As for trust, you're not going to be able to trust anyone else to not hurt you until you can trust yourself to not hurt you.
I don't know if you read this poem on my profile, but I have it there because I often need to read it myself: 'If They Come In The Night' by Marge Piercy. Hang in there!
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 01:49 pm (UTC)Negative self talk is hard to fight against, because I have so little social support. It's me standing against this mass of experiences alone. I know it has to be done, but it is painful and exhausting. I'm thankful that not everyone in the world has to do this...but it would be nice to have a little more compassion and understanding come from those who've walked away, too. The hardest part of losing people in my life has been their ability to peg me in so many ways, which didn't help my situation whatsoever - and left me feeling as though I had made bad choices in addition.
Lots of love Elen, you're a wonderful person.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 12:56 am (UTC)There's a passage in one of Erica Jong's books where the protagonist's mentor says, in essence, "You're a poet, silly; whatever made you think you would lead a 'normal life'?"
More compassion and understanding is always good. The only thing we can do to increase its prevalence in the world is to manifest more of it ourselves. It's true that the world is full of jerks and douchebags who could do with a good smack upside the head with the Clue Trout, but that's their problem - one's own concern is to understand them and have compassion for them while avoiding unstrategic conflict.
No doubt you have made some poor choices. That's okay; do you you know the aphorism "Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgement"? I can assure you it's true. The point is, what useful experience have you gained from your choices? By 'useful', I mean stuff that will help you lead a happier, more effectual life, not 'ammunition' for shooting yourself down.
Here's a question for you: have you given any thought to traveling? You're young and unencumbered, you've got some money saved; what if you took a season or two to see some of the world, or the country at least? Spring's almost here, and Summer won't be far behind; now's the good time to consider where you might like to go, and how you could do it most expediently.