short and bittersweet
Mar. 1st, 2014 01:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorI'll keep this one short - I'm quite exhausted. I will get around to replying more fully to some of your comments tomorrow Elen :P
Shutdown might not start for me for a couple more weeks - I'm hoping, anyway. Two months is enough...no need to tack on an extra two weeks of 10 hr nights with no days off. Once again I note to myself, I'm not sure I'll make it all the way through. I'm reaching my bullshit limit with United Refining Company. Maybe not necessarily with the company, but with some of the people it employs, who suffer from a culture of invincibility and a lack of reprimanding for poor performance and attitude. But it's not just in my small section of the plant either - it's a systemic problem. And it's not one I want to deal with for the rest of my life, either. Would I like to cruise out, and have everything work out in my life, and me to live happily ever after, with the nice paychecks? Absolutely. Is that going to happen? I really fucking doubt it.
I had my hopes dashed by a girl I've always had a thing for (she had a huge thing for me in high school, but when I didn't tattoo and pierce my entire body, she lost interest.) I added her on FB, to receive a message saying something to the effect of, "Just the person I wanted to talk to." Turns out, she was just looking for weed. I think the short conversation that occurred was her trying to make it not seem like she would utilize anyone and everyone, including myself, to get whatever she wants. I was somewhat pissed off to begin with that it was her reasoning, and I further asked if she'd like to go see a movie - she seemed alright with that - but now she hasn't spoken to me in a couple days. I imagine, it has something to do with the fact that she found someone to get her some dope. Boy, I love humans. The only time a girl contacts me for anything is when she wants something, and it's never a date, or something fun and interesting. A few years ago, I might've actually gone out of my way to obtain some weed just to have some time with a chick like her - but now that I see things the way I do, I simply can't be bothered. People should want to spend time with others for reasons besides their own chemical desires, and also have pass times that include something besides hitting a hash pipe.
So, what gives? It was a moment for me to work on my nice guyness, and I failed miserably. I told her I'd give a shot at finding it, no guarantees (I didn't even bother beyond a passing question to a good friend.) I used the event as an opportunity to get a date, which apparently isn't going to work out either. But, why go on a date with someone like that, anyway? It was merely in passing she asked how I was doing...her real intentions were apparent. Maybe if I don't get a response from her in another day, I'll say something about it and close that thread for good. I don't like to burn bridges, but I also don't like people who use others.
It seems like a precarious path to walk, that of being self-righteously non-using and expecting others not to use oneself. Because am I not using others if I intentionally go out of my way to get dates with women, to fulfill some desire of my own? But then again, I guess it is only in the case that both people have such a desire that anything works out - and for me, most of the time, the other party has no such desire with me. Maybe some day, I'll have some more traits that are attractive. Or maybe I'll resign myself to be forever single, and rationalize it by convincing myself that those whom are in relationships suffer from some obscure mental disorder.
Shutdown might not start for me for a couple more weeks - I'm hoping, anyway. Two months is enough...no need to tack on an extra two weeks of 10 hr nights with no days off. Once again I note to myself, I'm not sure I'll make it all the way through. I'm reaching my bullshit limit with United Refining Company. Maybe not necessarily with the company, but with some of the people it employs, who suffer from a culture of invincibility and a lack of reprimanding for poor performance and attitude. But it's not just in my small section of the plant either - it's a systemic problem. And it's not one I want to deal with for the rest of my life, either. Would I like to cruise out, and have everything work out in my life, and me to live happily ever after, with the nice paychecks? Absolutely. Is that going to happen? I really fucking doubt it.
I had my hopes dashed by a girl I've always had a thing for (she had a huge thing for me in high school, but when I didn't tattoo and pierce my entire body, she lost interest.) I added her on FB, to receive a message saying something to the effect of, "Just the person I wanted to talk to." Turns out, she was just looking for weed. I think the short conversation that occurred was her trying to make it not seem like she would utilize anyone and everyone, including myself, to get whatever she wants. I was somewhat pissed off to begin with that it was her reasoning, and I further asked if she'd like to go see a movie - she seemed alright with that - but now she hasn't spoken to me in a couple days. I imagine, it has something to do with the fact that she found someone to get her some dope. Boy, I love humans. The only time a girl contacts me for anything is when she wants something, and it's never a date, or something fun and interesting. A few years ago, I might've actually gone out of my way to obtain some weed just to have some time with a chick like her - but now that I see things the way I do, I simply can't be bothered. People should want to spend time with others for reasons besides their own chemical desires, and also have pass times that include something besides hitting a hash pipe.
So, what gives? It was a moment for me to work on my nice guyness, and I failed miserably. I told her I'd give a shot at finding it, no guarantees (I didn't even bother beyond a passing question to a good friend.) I used the event as an opportunity to get a date, which apparently isn't going to work out either. But, why go on a date with someone like that, anyway? It was merely in passing she asked how I was doing...her real intentions were apparent. Maybe if I don't get a response from her in another day, I'll say something about it and close that thread for good. I don't like to burn bridges, but I also don't like people who use others.
It seems like a precarious path to walk, that of being self-righteously non-using and expecting others not to use oneself. Because am I not using others if I intentionally go out of my way to get dates with women, to fulfill some desire of my own? But then again, I guess it is only in the case that both people have such a desire that anything works out - and for me, most of the time, the other party has no such desire with me. Maybe some day, I'll have some more traits that are attractive. Or maybe I'll resign myself to be forever single, and rationalize it by convincing myself that those whom are in relationships suffer from some obscure mental disorder.
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no subject
Date: 2014-03-01 06:51 pm (UTC)Doesn't sound like you failed miserably at working on your nice-guyness. Sounds like you made a significant step in it, actually, because you were aware of the nice-guy behavior even as you were doing it. Like Mark Twain said, "Habit is habit, and not to be thrown out the window by any man, but rather coaxed downstairs one step at a time." Before one can change a habit, one's got to be aware of when one's doing it, and how one is doing it - this leads into being aware of being about to do it, and that's when one is able to choose to do something else.
So hey, don't beat yourself up for not having gained the ability to change your long-established patterns just-like-that. In fact, don't beat yourself up at all, because that's a totally counter-productive pattern of behavior in itself. You did not fail; you learned something. Several things, in fact; one of them being that you really don't want to go on a date with someone like that anyway.
"Because am I not using others if I intentionally go out of my way to get dates with women, to fulfill some desire of my own?"
No, not if you're clear about what the desire is. For instance, if what you wanted was a woman to party with and have sex with, without any emotional 'strings', you could have that. It would be wrong in that case to date women who wanted to marry and have a family. If what you want is to find a good wife, it's wrong to date party-girls just because 'they'll do' till someone better comes along - that's disrespectful of both them and yourself.
More later if I get a chance; my daughter's here and we're rushing off... have a good day!
no subject
Date: 2014-03-09 01:53 pm (UTC)I never dated anyone in that way...I had moments of wondering if there were a more certain match...but I always stayed faithful...and always tried to stay loving, though I know I failed at times, too.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-10 01:33 am (UTC)The vast reality is beyond everybody's power, but your own life belongs to you, to make of it what you can. As for prayer, I recommend that you stop praying for anything - even faith or peace - and instead devote your prayer-time solely to giving thanks.
So, if you've always dated with 'honorable intentions', I don't see any reason why it would be wrong or selfish of you to ask ladies out. It's a lot nicer when a man comes straight out and asks for a date if that's what he wants; then one can say Yes or No without things getting awkward.
Everybody fails at loving sometimes. The thing is to keep trying. You hang in there.