final moments
Feb. 3rd, 2014 12:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorOf course, I slept most of today away, so I'm going to have a very hard time getting to sleep and waking up at 5am. But, I guess that's not really out of the ordinary. I really am more of a 2nd shift kind of guy. I am more creative late night.
I've been completely drained the past few days. I spent last night with Jenn and Matt, which probably wasn't the greatest idea. I always feel like Matt is trying to prove that he's better than me, and I always feel like they're putting on a show - that is, trying not to look completely and utterly dysfunctional in my presence. I know they have problems. And luckily for Matt, Jenn loves him unconditionally. She self-loathes because he's mistreated her so much, but she will never leave him. Meanwhile, there's my love life - I love everyone I'm with unconditionally, and eventually, they spit that back in my face. Luck of the draw, I guess.
I was supposed to go to a superbowl party today, and I didn't. I slept through half of it. I still haven't checked my phone. I probably pissed my friends off. I suppose they're used to me not following through, but after last night, I couldn't do it. I just wanted one more day to myself, and even though I managed that, I get to feel guilty. Such a love-hate relationship I have with myself.
I got into the EverQuest Next Alpha. The NDA has been lifted, which is the only reason I'm writing this. It really is amazing - like Minecraft on steroids. I can't wait to see the actual MMORPG itself...Landmark Alpha is basically a resource gatherer and builder's dream. The graphics are intense. Basically everything in the environment is destructible in a fashion determined by the strength/size of your pick. Axes can cut down trees - better axes can cut down even the gigantic ones. The music is fucking phenomenal. The lead developer said that only about 60% of the game is complete currently, and I can't imagine what it'll be like at release. The graphics run my computer to the max, and this thing is no slouch - I designed it to be great at music production/recording, so it's basically top of the line.
I am worried about tomorrow. I know it's guaranteed to be eight hours of complete and utter insanity with only short moments of neurosis to break it up. I know my father would never respect a decision of mine to quit - he has done everything in his power to try and convince me to hang on a little longer until a job that's challenging opens up. But I don't think I can do that. I don't think he understands me, either. Sigh. I know there's nothing better here, either. I know without a great deal of education and training, I'm not fit to do much else. Such is reality. I am quite capable of learning just about anything, but businesses want people who don't need much training...and that's just how it is.
I don't want to deal with certain people when I go back, and I'll have to. So many emotional and attention leeches. It won't be, "we haven't seen him for three weeks, so lets pay attention to him." it'll be a passing, "How're things" immediately followed by, "this, this, and this happened to me, can you believe this?" Because there's not enough for anyone to keep busy with (or they just refuse to keep busy) so instead the days are made up of long, boring, tiresome tirades that coworkers go into, broken up by moments of relief because someone needs a part, or something needs put away, or inventory needs checked in. The job isn't really a job, it's more like a free handout from a government-like entity otherwise known as a big-oil corporation. Complete with indoctrination rituals and cult-like subculture. Basically NO ONE ever leaves United willingly. Only a handful of people have done so even in my father's lifetime there. I guess maybe that part frightens me the most - I don't really want any part of something that sucks people in at that level. But on the same token, if it pays well enough to put you squarely in the disappearing middle class or slightly above...can you complain about it? Do I have a right to feel the way I do? What am I supposed to do, God? I'm supposed to be thankful for everything, I'm supposed to learn how to deal with this, right? That's what everyone tries to convince me of. I still get a sinking feeling, though, that there's something very big missing from my life and I STILL don't know how to get it. College is expensive as hell, is it really a solution? Do I really want to live in a city or suburb - considering I don't even like driving into a small "city" like Erie, PA? What choices do I really have? Sometimes I think I'd be MUCH HAPPIER if I simply could work forty hours a week at 8 or 9 bucks/hour in a coffee shop or a book store, somewhere where there's -no stress- and -no bullshit- and I'm free to read a book in downtime, or just think.
What ever happened to my dreams? Did they even matter? I haven't exactly been on the express route to professorship, and philosophy professors are at the bottom of the pay scale - and their jobs are disappearing, anyway. People tell me psychology is a discipline that you ought to be prepared for poverty with. Most people are incredibly negative, I admit...but that fact doesn't make it any easier to consider spending my current savings on something that may never do a damn thing for me...
If I knew I could make a living writing, making music, doing anything art or intellectually oriented...I would do everything in my power to make that a reality. But there are no guarantees in life. But I guess, if I know that is the only way I would ever be truly happy...then I have to do everything in my power to TRY and make that a reality...and if I fail, deal with the consequences as they arise...instead of reliving the "What Ifs" for eternity in my own mess of a head.
I've been completely drained the past few days. I spent last night with Jenn and Matt, which probably wasn't the greatest idea. I always feel like Matt is trying to prove that he's better than me, and I always feel like they're putting on a show - that is, trying not to look completely and utterly dysfunctional in my presence. I know they have problems. And luckily for Matt, Jenn loves him unconditionally. She self-loathes because he's mistreated her so much, but she will never leave him. Meanwhile, there's my love life - I love everyone I'm with unconditionally, and eventually, they spit that back in my face. Luck of the draw, I guess.
I was supposed to go to a superbowl party today, and I didn't. I slept through half of it. I still haven't checked my phone. I probably pissed my friends off. I suppose they're used to me not following through, but after last night, I couldn't do it. I just wanted one more day to myself, and even though I managed that, I get to feel guilty. Such a love-hate relationship I have with myself.
I got into the EverQuest Next Alpha. The NDA has been lifted, which is the only reason I'm writing this. It really is amazing - like Minecraft on steroids. I can't wait to see the actual MMORPG itself...Landmark Alpha is basically a resource gatherer and builder's dream. The graphics are intense. Basically everything in the environment is destructible in a fashion determined by the strength/size of your pick. Axes can cut down trees - better axes can cut down even the gigantic ones. The music is fucking phenomenal. The lead developer said that only about 60% of the game is complete currently, and I can't imagine what it'll be like at release. The graphics run my computer to the max, and this thing is no slouch - I designed it to be great at music production/recording, so it's basically top of the line.
I am worried about tomorrow. I know it's guaranteed to be eight hours of complete and utter insanity with only short moments of neurosis to break it up. I know my father would never respect a decision of mine to quit - he has done everything in his power to try and convince me to hang on a little longer until a job that's challenging opens up. But I don't think I can do that. I don't think he understands me, either. Sigh. I know there's nothing better here, either. I know without a great deal of education and training, I'm not fit to do much else. Such is reality. I am quite capable of learning just about anything, but businesses want people who don't need much training...and that's just how it is.
I don't want to deal with certain people when I go back, and I'll have to. So many emotional and attention leeches. It won't be, "we haven't seen him for three weeks, so lets pay attention to him." it'll be a passing, "How're things" immediately followed by, "this, this, and this happened to me, can you believe this?" Because there's not enough for anyone to keep busy with (or they just refuse to keep busy) so instead the days are made up of long, boring, tiresome tirades that coworkers go into, broken up by moments of relief because someone needs a part, or something needs put away, or inventory needs checked in. The job isn't really a job, it's more like a free handout from a government-like entity otherwise known as a big-oil corporation. Complete with indoctrination rituals and cult-like subculture. Basically NO ONE ever leaves United willingly. Only a handful of people have done so even in my father's lifetime there. I guess maybe that part frightens me the most - I don't really want any part of something that sucks people in at that level. But on the same token, if it pays well enough to put you squarely in the disappearing middle class or slightly above...can you complain about it? Do I have a right to feel the way I do? What am I supposed to do, God? I'm supposed to be thankful for everything, I'm supposed to learn how to deal with this, right? That's what everyone tries to convince me of. I still get a sinking feeling, though, that there's something very big missing from my life and I STILL don't know how to get it. College is expensive as hell, is it really a solution? Do I really want to live in a city or suburb - considering I don't even like driving into a small "city" like Erie, PA? What choices do I really have? Sometimes I think I'd be MUCH HAPPIER if I simply could work forty hours a week at 8 or 9 bucks/hour in a coffee shop or a book store, somewhere where there's -no stress- and -no bullshit- and I'm free to read a book in downtime, or just think.
What ever happened to my dreams? Did they even matter? I haven't exactly been on the express route to professorship, and philosophy professors are at the bottom of the pay scale - and their jobs are disappearing, anyway. People tell me psychology is a discipline that you ought to be prepared for poverty with. Most people are incredibly negative, I admit...but that fact doesn't make it any easier to consider spending my current savings on something that may never do a damn thing for me...
If I knew I could make a living writing, making music, doing anything art or intellectually oriented...I would do everything in my power to make that a reality. But there are no guarantees in life. But I guess, if I know that is the only way I would ever be truly happy...then I have to do everything in my power to TRY and make that a reality...and if I fail, deal with the consequences as they arise...instead of reliving the "What Ifs" for eternity in my own mess of a head.
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no subject
Date: 2014-02-03 07:26 am (UTC)Hanging out with messed-up people is always a strain, even if one really cares about them - especially if one's feeling low already. So, hopefully you 'did your bit' and won't have to visit them again for a while?
Unconditional love is only appropriate toward the helpless for whom one is responsible: young children, the failing elderly, the sick or impaired. It's not appropriate toward independent adults. In the Christian tradition, Jesus makes it clear that even God's love has conditions: "Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven." There's nothing wrong with loving certain people from a safer emotional distance, viz. out of spitting-range.
I didn't realize you worked the same place as your father - that's got to be awkward. Whether or not he understands you isn't really pertinent if it's gotten to the point where you can choose between quitting before you break down, or getting fired after you do. But obviously, it's not strategic to just quit, spiral down into into a slump, and end up hiding in your room playing computer games till your money runs out, either. .As a writer and musician myself, I generally hold to the precept of "Don't quit your day job". It's not always easy to write,or to make music , but it's a lot easier than marketing one's manuscripts or getting paid gigs - and then having a publisher or a performance venue is only the first step, because it's the public who will decide whether they like your stuff enough to pay for it.
No writer, musician, dancer, artist or actor has ever known in advance that he or she would be a success - the ones who do succeed are the ones who do everything in their power to make that a reality, and just keep on doing it. However, one still has to eat and pay the rent while working one's butt off and waiting for that first big break, and almost no unskilled or entry-level jobs are 40 hrs/wk these days. So... how long until you could have a manuscript ready for submission, or could be ready to play a gig?
I don't think one is supposed to be thankful for everything. Pain, grief and humiliation all suck, and it's absurd to pretend they don't, even if one also learns valuable lessons while suffering them. I don't think one is *supposed* to learn tthose lessons, either - it's just an option, not an obligation. Hang in there!