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sathor"The Control Room"
I was a substitute operator at a Fluid Catalytic Cracking unit for about a year. I was making $30/h. Rotating shifts - first, then third, then second, repeat. Eight days on each, counting the two days off that weren't really yours because you had to "swing" to the next shift. If you didn't, you were screwed come your "monday" - which changed every week. You might get six real weekends off a year, or so.
I experienced severe anxiety around these guys. Being in a small control room most of the time (because there simply wasn't enough work to do outside) around two-three other people constantly was insane. Everyone was watching everyone else closely. Everyone was chatting. I of course, have always been rather quiet. Even when I tried to quip in, most of the time it was quelled - chock it up to the mentality of the union, that if you haven't been there as long as the other guy, you've got nothing worth being heard. Rather, you're going to be the butt of everyone's jokes, and they're going to treat you like shit, because that's the hazing ritual. They were very neurotic people in general, and the attitude and discussions that went on in there went far beyond "shop talk" to the level of complete "dehumanization"
I can't remember very many specific instances. Most of the time it was on days with the foremen - I'd experience it, sometimes while writing my numbers in, or when being put on the spot to answer a specific question, or being watched while I performed some operation out in the unit.
This is a repeating pattern, too. "On the spot" anxiety. Performance anxiety. Yes, I even have it in bed when I'm still not really comfortable with someone yet. Can't keep it up. It's not erectile dysfunction. In the case of the bedroom, it's a combination I think of not really trusting the person I'm with, as well as my own insecurities - besides never having an ideal location for it, yet. No bachelor pad. But, I'm not really into casual sex as it is.
Performance anxiety, however. Starting at the refinery was very difficult. Everything you did, everyone watches you - because there's usually not enough work for everyone to do. I get terrible attacks while being watched (if I know the person is watching to see how/what I'm doing, measuring me up, whatever. I don't want to fuck up.) And here's where some clarity comes into play. Anxiety as a biological response actually has some benefits. Adrenalin gets going, making you stronger/faster. I can't say it makes you smarter, because I'm pretty sure it doesn't - it's too much of a fight or flight response to allow for complex mental activity, which is why social anxiety is so destructive. Even mild social anxiety can leave you feeling like you have nothing to say, when you should, or leave you wondering what to do next - you should just say what's on your mind. But the biology stops you. I can't tell you how many times in a given day at work, my mind just goes blank. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to "shoot the shit." This isn't because I'm incapable of it - people I've known for awhile, I get to be pretty good at it with. But in these cases of social anxiety, where the mind blanks - it's almost hard to define it as social anxiety. It leaves you feeling inadequate and weak. It leaves you feeling boring and makes you look like a "downer." And that's disappointing. But the biological response of anxiety, as I said...it does have benefits. It shows that I care -so much- mentally about performing well, doing well, being perfect, that my body at times literally produces a physical response to my mentations. It is an amazing thing, but at the same time, it obviously is causing a lot of problems. And drugs are not the solution long-term. There has to be a better answer.
"Dec 3rd"
The first example of anxiety was one I haven't had in a long time. Tina, who's one of the long-time Warehousemen, got me a utility knife to use (I suggested the utility over the pocket, because I feel a lot more comfortable and safer using them. Long razor blades that are hard to return to safe-keeping freak me out.) Like your standard utility knife, when it's fresh out of the package, you have to remove the screw holding the body of it together to get a razor blade out so it can be placed in the adjuster. I didn't have a quarter on me, so she handed me a penny. I promptly bent the penny into oblivion trying to open it, so she got me a screwdriver. At this point I'm already pretty "anxious" because I couldn't do it with the penny. Yeah, I know, I bent it - that's actually pretty interesting seeing as how I saw myself as relatively weak. Bending it with two fingers in a screw head shows some strength. But because of the anxiety - and this is actually a first in a long time - by the time she handed me the screwdriver, my hands were shaking. My hands haven't shaken from anxiety for a -very- long time. So I fumbled around for about two minutes, and finally got it open. It would've been easier had I sat the damn knife down and held it against the top of the filing cabinet, but I was too flustered to think of that. I held it in one hand (no stability) and unscrewed it with the other. I was very embarrassed but tried to ignore my hands. Of course she noticed - of course she wouldn't say anything. Nobody does. I see a lot of people with shaking hands...some of them I'm sure because they are alcoholics, others because they are socially anxious. But it's one of the worst symptoms and most horrific for me to experience. I'm not sure what I should take from this experience...but it needs to be here.
The other example is running the forklift out in the units. There's a lot of traffic on the in-plant roads - so, of course, I'm pressured to move quickly (because of my anxiety) even though I'm relatively new at at running it. I've had like three days of a couple hours at best experience. So I'm prone to fuck ups, and once I get anxious, it takes me forever to get something picked up correctly and to get out of the way. If there's something I can take from this, it's maybe that I should give a fuck less about what other people are thinking. I'm carrying chemical totes and drums sometimes worth in excess of $25,000 a piece. You can't rush something like that. It doesn't matter whether I'm new or not, or good at running the forklift yet or not. I should care about doing it right...not getting out of the way for someone who's going from point a to b in the plant, and can wait a few minutes if they have to.
This applies outside of the plant, too. I get anxious driving.
I was a substitute operator at a Fluid Catalytic Cracking unit for about a year. I was making $30/h. Rotating shifts - first, then third, then second, repeat. Eight days on each, counting the two days off that weren't really yours because you had to "swing" to the next shift. If you didn't, you were screwed come your "monday" - which changed every week. You might get six real weekends off a year, or so.
I experienced severe anxiety around these guys. Being in a small control room most of the time (because there simply wasn't enough work to do outside) around two-three other people constantly was insane. Everyone was watching everyone else closely. Everyone was chatting. I of course, have always been rather quiet. Even when I tried to quip in, most of the time it was quelled - chock it up to the mentality of the union, that if you haven't been there as long as the other guy, you've got nothing worth being heard. Rather, you're going to be the butt of everyone's jokes, and they're going to treat you like shit, because that's the hazing ritual. They were very neurotic people in general, and the attitude and discussions that went on in there went far beyond "shop talk" to the level of complete "dehumanization"
I can't remember very many specific instances. Most of the time it was on days with the foremen - I'd experience it, sometimes while writing my numbers in, or when being put on the spot to answer a specific question, or being watched while I performed some operation out in the unit.
This is a repeating pattern, too. "On the spot" anxiety. Performance anxiety. Yes, I even have it in bed when I'm still not really comfortable with someone yet. Can't keep it up. It's not erectile dysfunction. In the case of the bedroom, it's a combination I think of not really trusting the person I'm with, as well as my own insecurities - besides never having an ideal location for it, yet. No bachelor pad. But, I'm not really into casual sex as it is.
Performance anxiety, however. Starting at the refinery was very difficult. Everything you did, everyone watches you - because there's usually not enough work for everyone to do. I get terrible attacks while being watched (if I know the person is watching to see how/what I'm doing, measuring me up, whatever. I don't want to fuck up.) And here's where some clarity comes into play. Anxiety as a biological response actually has some benefits. Adrenalin gets going, making you stronger/faster. I can't say it makes you smarter, because I'm pretty sure it doesn't - it's too much of a fight or flight response to allow for complex mental activity, which is why social anxiety is so destructive. Even mild social anxiety can leave you feeling like you have nothing to say, when you should, or leave you wondering what to do next - you should just say what's on your mind. But the biology stops you. I can't tell you how many times in a given day at work, my mind just goes blank. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to "shoot the shit." This isn't because I'm incapable of it - people I've known for awhile, I get to be pretty good at it with. But in these cases of social anxiety, where the mind blanks - it's almost hard to define it as social anxiety. It leaves you feeling inadequate and weak. It leaves you feeling boring and makes you look like a "downer." And that's disappointing. But the biological response of anxiety, as I said...it does have benefits. It shows that I care -so much- mentally about performing well, doing well, being perfect, that my body at times literally produces a physical response to my mentations. It is an amazing thing, but at the same time, it obviously is causing a lot of problems. And drugs are not the solution long-term. There has to be a better answer.
"Dec 3rd"
The first example of anxiety was one I haven't had in a long time. Tina, who's one of the long-time Warehousemen, got me a utility knife to use (I suggested the utility over the pocket, because I feel a lot more comfortable and safer using them. Long razor blades that are hard to return to safe-keeping freak me out.) Like your standard utility knife, when it's fresh out of the package, you have to remove the screw holding the body of it together to get a razor blade out so it can be placed in the adjuster. I didn't have a quarter on me, so she handed me a penny. I promptly bent the penny into oblivion trying to open it, so she got me a screwdriver. At this point I'm already pretty "anxious" because I couldn't do it with the penny. Yeah, I know, I bent it - that's actually pretty interesting seeing as how I saw myself as relatively weak. Bending it with two fingers in a screw head shows some strength. But because of the anxiety - and this is actually a first in a long time - by the time she handed me the screwdriver, my hands were shaking. My hands haven't shaken from anxiety for a -very- long time. So I fumbled around for about two minutes, and finally got it open. It would've been easier had I sat the damn knife down and held it against the top of the filing cabinet, but I was too flustered to think of that. I held it in one hand (no stability) and unscrewed it with the other. I was very embarrassed but tried to ignore my hands. Of course she noticed - of course she wouldn't say anything. Nobody does. I see a lot of people with shaking hands...some of them I'm sure because they are alcoholics, others because they are socially anxious. But it's one of the worst symptoms and most horrific for me to experience. I'm not sure what I should take from this experience...but it needs to be here.
The other example is running the forklift out in the units. There's a lot of traffic on the in-plant roads - so, of course, I'm pressured to move quickly (because of my anxiety) even though I'm relatively new at at running it. I've had like three days of a couple hours at best experience. So I'm prone to fuck ups, and once I get anxious, it takes me forever to get something picked up correctly and to get out of the way. If there's something I can take from this, it's maybe that I should give a fuck less about what other people are thinking. I'm carrying chemical totes and drums sometimes worth in excess of $25,000 a piece. You can't rush something like that. It doesn't matter whether I'm new or not, or good at running the forklift yet or not. I should care about doing it right...not getting out of the way for someone who's going from point a to b in the plant, and can wait a few minutes if they have to.
This applies outside of the plant, too. I get anxious driving.
