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May. 29th, 2011 06:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorMake a list of all the reasons why you feel or have felt hatred toward your ex. If you have any insights as to how you can work to heal from this intense emotion, then write about that. Keep this list and check it each month or so to see how connected you still are to that emotion. If you continue to feel an emotional charge, you still have some healing to do. If you don't, and you feel nothing, then you will know that you have reached indifference.
What's the truth of the matter, anyway. I reckon that I have not truly gotten over Cookie. And I think that's actually, very...sadly...true. Still living in this same place has a part to play in that. Having a ridiculous experience with Susan has a part to play in that, too - there was no real emotional attachment that occurred with her, and it actually didn't do a damn thing with regards to the whole healing process. If anything, she got what she wanted, and I managed to get myself used. Again.
And yeah, there is a fact that needs to be pointed out. In a lot of ways, I don't think I was truly compatible with either of my real exes. I never had truly deep conversations with them. They were both incredibly immature and juvenile in general. They weren't capable of comprehending most of my innermost thoughts, feelings and desires in life. They had to be aware of the fact there seemed to be very little compatibility, but the sexual attraction was so absolutely mind-numbing that all of those realities were bypassed in favor of sexual pleasure. As far as I can tell, I am pretty damn good in bed. Good enough where eventually I couldn't offer enough of it to please them enough - that's also a fact backed up by facts and experiences I had with them both. Susan reiterated all of that to a degree. She was no coy girl when it came to admitting I wasn't much bigger than average, but I had no trouble getting her off - and actually, there was a one-night stander who claimed to be a size queen who proclaimed I was basically the only guy who ever got her off. Fancy that. Well, in any case, all of that is irrelevant at this point. Sex is only one small part of a very large equation. And even if they were all lying (which that would be four in total) I still have to believe with the frequency sex took place there was some degree of likability in the act.
So, if I am good in bed...and not so unattractive that even attractive women are pleased by my appearance and lovemaking, then this can not possibly be the reason I have experienced such dry straights in the romantic department.
I am also intelligent...interesting given the topics of choice...and particularly more capable as a conversationalist with the right people...then I can't be all that uninteresting of a person either.
My social life IS very sickly, and yes that affects my status, but with regards to strangers and new acquaintences they know absolutely nothing...and I work enough where having a vibrant social life can become difficult, especially in a place with travel time like Warren County.
I work at one of the best paying and secure jobs in the whole area, even further out than the county itself - that's definitely a status increase. And actually, I have a pretty awesome social life at work.
So adding up all of these factors...and given the fact apparently studies have shown women find sarcasm to be the most attractive form of humor in men...then hey, I'm sitting pretty well off. One then has to wonder if the only reason I am experiencing such a terrible romantic life is because I'm not willing to take any risks and put myself "out there" with potential dates (and in a lot of cases, potential friends.) That's a social anxiety issue. That's something I'd like to enter therapy for.
However, returning to the original point of this post...I don't really feel like I have gotten over my ex. I don't really feel like I have stopped loving her, or that someone can actually take the place in my heart she still seems to have. While the rest of the world might be beginning to believe in the end of monogamy, I don't...and I also believe that the vibes I put out are that of a wounded person who isn't quite ready to love and let someone into his life. I need to focus on repairing all of this damage. I think I will start trying to meditate and practice yoga daily again. Maybe I will start weight lifting again as well...and spending a little bit of money to get a better set of weights might be in the picture.
As for the list...
Well, I know I've felt hatred for being cheated on.
I've felt hatred for having my trust broken.
I've felt hatred for all of the awful things she said to me when we were still talking after it was all over.
I've felt hatred for being ignored or ridiculed or treated with indifference when I tried to do nice things - like return over 300 of her CDs. I remember her telling me she totally forgot about them and wouldn't have missed them.
I've felt hatred for when I was trying so awfully hard to make her feel loved, to make her understand that I still loved her and wanted to be with her - and how she wouldn't believe me...how she would keep me talking to her up until the very last minute or over when she knew I needed to leave for work. I hate the fact that I honestly put more time and effort and emotion into everything I did for her, and it was never enough - and she let me do it. She never told me to stop, or that there was no chance. She wanted me to do that. She wanted me to suffer in so many fucking ways. I hate that more than anything.
I've felt hatred for when I stopped by to see her when she wanted me to prove to her I still loved her, and how she didn't expect it, and wanted nothing to do with me.
I've felt hatred for recognizing that for the second time, a woman I loved left me as soon as I landed a real, forty-hour a week job. I hate the fact that for being responsible and an adult, I was punished.
I've hated the fact that I was punished for trying to pursue my dreams, putting time into the things I loved besides her, like music, philosophy and physical self-improvement.
I've hated the fact that I was punished for not attending her high school graduation, even though she TOLD ME she didn't care if I went or not, and that yeah, it was going to be jam packed with people and incredibly hot in there like it always is.
I've hated the fact that I was punished on nights where I wasn't in the mood for sex. I hate the fact that I suffered so much emotionally when she would leave my room CRYING because I wouldn't, because I was too tired, or because I simply wasn't in the mood. And I hate the fact that no matter what I said, she felt that she wasn't pretty enough or good enough to get it from me. And that had absolutely nothing to do with it.
I've hated the fact that since, I have had real issues sexually with the people I've slept with. No matter how attractive, I still had problems in bed. And I shouldn't have. And I know this all has something to do with it.
I hated the fact that I was prevented from doing things that I wanted to do - going to parties with friends - meeting new people - but I was never allowed to voice my concerns about her attending parties without me...or else I was made to feel ugly, awful, mean and inconsiderate.
I hated the fact that I voiced my concerns about her bartending and she did not listen to my feelings on it. There were plenty of other jobs she could've pursued that wouldn't have involved alcohol and millions of men who would love nothing else other than to fuck her. I essentially knew before it all went down that I was going to lose her because of her bartending. And ultimately, I did. She was weak enough - even though I did everything I could conceivably do to help her self esteem - to give in to drunk losers.
I hated the fact that she wouldn't believe me when I said I loved her...and how she believed that I was already with someone else and sleeping with other girls.
Most importantly, I guess, I hate myself. I hate myself because no matter how hard I tried, or what I did, and no matter how much I admitted my faults, it was not enough. I also hate the fact that the guy she left me for wasn't the one she ended up marrying. If it had been, I think it would've been better. At least then I would've known she left me for someone who was better than me for her. And that simply wasn't the case.
What's the truth of the matter, anyway. I reckon that I have not truly gotten over Cookie. And I think that's actually, very...sadly...true. Still living in this same place has a part to play in that. Having a ridiculous experience with Susan has a part to play in that, too - there was no real emotional attachment that occurred with her, and it actually didn't do a damn thing with regards to the whole healing process. If anything, she got what she wanted, and I managed to get myself used. Again.
And yeah, there is a fact that needs to be pointed out. In a lot of ways, I don't think I was truly compatible with either of my real exes. I never had truly deep conversations with them. They were both incredibly immature and juvenile in general. They weren't capable of comprehending most of my innermost thoughts, feelings and desires in life. They had to be aware of the fact there seemed to be very little compatibility, but the sexual attraction was so absolutely mind-numbing that all of those realities were bypassed in favor of sexual pleasure. As far as I can tell, I am pretty damn good in bed. Good enough where eventually I couldn't offer enough of it to please them enough - that's also a fact backed up by facts and experiences I had with them both. Susan reiterated all of that to a degree. She was no coy girl when it came to admitting I wasn't much bigger than average, but I had no trouble getting her off - and actually, there was a one-night stander who claimed to be a size queen who proclaimed I was basically the only guy who ever got her off. Fancy that. Well, in any case, all of that is irrelevant at this point. Sex is only one small part of a very large equation. And even if they were all lying (which that would be four in total) I still have to believe with the frequency sex took place there was some degree of likability in the act.
So, if I am good in bed...and not so unattractive that even attractive women are pleased by my appearance and lovemaking, then this can not possibly be the reason I have experienced such dry straights in the romantic department.
I am also intelligent...interesting given the topics of choice...and particularly more capable as a conversationalist with the right people...then I can't be all that uninteresting of a person either.
My social life IS very sickly, and yes that affects my status, but with regards to strangers and new acquaintences they know absolutely nothing...and I work enough where having a vibrant social life can become difficult, especially in a place with travel time like Warren County.
I work at one of the best paying and secure jobs in the whole area, even further out than the county itself - that's definitely a status increase. And actually, I have a pretty awesome social life at work.
So adding up all of these factors...and given the fact apparently studies have shown women find sarcasm to be the most attractive form of humor in men...then hey, I'm sitting pretty well off. One then has to wonder if the only reason I am experiencing such a terrible romantic life is because I'm not willing to take any risks and put myself "out there" with potential dates (and in a lot of cases, potential friends.) That's a social anxiety issue. That's something I'd like to enter therapy for.
However, returning to the original point of this post...I don't really feel like I have gotten over my ex. I don't really feel like I have stopped loving her, or that someone can actually take the place in my heart she still seems to have. While the rest of the world might be beginning to believe in the end of monogamy, I don't...and I also believe that the vibes I put out are that of a wounded person who isn't quite ready to love and let someone into his life. I need to focus on repairing all of this damage. I think I will start trying to meditate and practice yoga daily again. Maybe I will start weight lifting again as well...and spending a little bit of money to get a better set of weights might be in the picture.
As for the list...
Well, I know I've felt hatred for being cheated on.
I've felt hatred for having my trust broken.
I've felt hatred for all of the awful things she said to me when we were still talking after it was all over.
I've felt hatred for being ignored or ridiculed or treated with indifference when I tried to do nice things - like return over 300 of her CDs. I remember her telling me she totally forgot about them and wouldn't have missed them.
I've felt hatred for when I was trying so awfully hard to make her feel loved, to make her understand that I still loved her and wanted to be with her - and how she wouldn't believe me...how she would keep me talking to her up until the very last minute or over when she knew I needed to leave for work. I hate the fact that I honestly put more time and effort and emotion into everything I did for her, and it was never enough - and she let me do it. She never told me to stop, or that there was no chance. She wanted me to do that. She wanted me to suffer in so many fucking ways. I hate that more than anything.
I've felt hatred for when I stopped by to see her when she wanted me to prove to her I still loved her, and how she didn't expect it, and wanted nothing to do with me.
I've felt hatred for recognizing that for the second time, a woman I loved left me as soon as I landed a real, forty-hour a week job. I hate the fact that for being responsible and an adult, I was punished.
I've hated the fact that I was punished for trying to pursue my dreams, putting time into the things I loved besides her, like music, philosophy and physical self-improvement.
I've hated the fact that I was punished for not attending her high school graduation, even though she TOLD ME she didn't care if I went or not, and that yeah, it was going to be jam packed with people and incredibly hot in there like it always is.
I've hated the fact that I was punished on nights where I wasn't in the mood for sex. I hate the fact that I suffered so much emotionally when she would leave my room CRYING because I wouldn't, because I was too tired, or because I simply wasn't in the mood. And I hate the fact that no matter what I said, she felt that she wasn't pretty enough or good enough to get it from me. And that had absolutely nothing to do with it.
I've hated the fact that since, I have had real issues sexually with the people I've slept with. No matter how attractive, I still had problems in bed. And I shouldn't have. And I know this all has something to do with it.
I hated the fact that I was prevented from doing things that I wanted to do - going to parties with friends - meeting new people - but I was never allowed to voice my concerns about her attending parties without me...or else I was made to feel ugly, awful, mean and inconsiderate.
I hated the fact that I voiced my concerns about her bartending and she did not listen to my feelings on it. There were plenty of other jobs she could've pursued that wouldn't have involved alcohol and millions of men who would love nothing else other than to fuck her. I essentially knew before it all went down that I was going to lose her because of her bartending. And ultimately, I did. She was weak enough - even though I did everything I could conceivably do to help her self esteem - to give in to drunk losers.
I hated the fact that she wouldn't believe me when I said I loved her...and how she believed that I was already with someone else and sleeping with other girls.
Most importantly, I guess, I hate myself. I hate myself because no matter how hard I tried, or what I did, and no matter how much I admitted my faults, it was not enough. I also hate the fact that the guy she left me for wasn't the one she ended up marrying. If it had been, I think it would've been better. At least then I would've known she left me for someone who was better than me for her. And that simply wasn't the case.
