(no subject)
May. 18th, 2010 05:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorAfter all those years of playing AwakeMUD I end up in SeaTac airport...the same place I used to drop force 8 mana balls into for mad cash...
Jeeze, if only it were that easy to make money with no ill repercussions. I realize now those trust fund kids and harvard educated kids and rich kids in general have all of the advantages that i don't...they get to be well traveled, articulate, experienced, long before i even have the opportunity to do so...I had no money, neither did my fucking parents. Do you know how fucking unfair that is?
At the age of 22 i've been stuck in the same place...so were the rest of the people around me then, but now, all of these people, they see that inexperience and it's laughable...I don't blame them, but maybe I should? Is it fair to think that every person has the freedom and security to travel and experience and become cultured? As far as I'm concerned it's not...the only options for rural kids like me is to go off to college as an indentured servant or work your ass off and pray...the second one is generally more profitable for someone who grew up like I did, too.
And yet there's always the story of the person who did get out early enough and made it all work...but the reality is, I think you are low enough a percentage to warrant concern for the future of the social world.
I wrote three paragraphs in my handwritten journal today. It's an extension of the sketch book I kept in highschool. I want to try and write something every day.
I've only taken a few pictures so far...what I am hoping right now is this:
I hope that I do get a job for a number of months up there...if it's mind numbing and time consuming and painful leaving me little time to experience the world up in AK, that's fine...I doubt I will stay all season, I will probably cut short...but a few thousand dollars will go a long way.
I want to try and get a flight back to Seattle at the end for my first stop...and get at least one night in a motel here, so I can experience the city a little...take some pictures...eat some food...maybe find a club and check it out. I know there are lots here. This is the place with the highest number of pierced and tattoo'd people in the US.
Looking at return tickets in August, the cheapest to Pittsburgh is about $420 with only two stops. Really that's not bad at all. If I get lucky I can make that in a couple days. Once I get a job up there things will probably look up very quickly.
I actually felt a little pissed about a short convo I had with Mike. I think he's out of it from the sickness but I've noticed he's not really an experimental musician like myself. I asked him if he considered doing anything different or unique for his solo album...like recording it in a strange place, with strange acoustics. He said he'd rather just go and get it done in a professional studio that has high grade equipment and a great engineer.
I know him and most other artists feel that way. They look at it not only as a way to get an album that will sell, but a way to get an album that people will find "familiar" in sound. I don't want that for any of my music. Yes I use a computer...but I'm beginning to invent some really interesting tricks to turn it dirty and analog...and unique. I don't want to use a studio engineer. Maybe that just says that I'm a bad musician in general...maybe I'm not serious enough to ever be taken seriously by the guys that make a 100-500 Gs a year sitting in a nice sound-proof studio with the best equipment...but something tells me that's not what anyone fucking wants anyway...they want something that they identify with. And most people don't identify with all that high tech fucking gear anyway.
SeaTac is pretty quiet at 2am. I can't see anyone in front of me in the lounge area, and there's only a handful of people including mike sleeping behind me. The sec guys outside said the smoking area really doesn't exist at this hour. And here I thought all cities never slept...I guess that's just NYC.
I'm kinda bumming at the moment. I hope the friends I do have back home don't see me leaving as a message that I don't like them, don't like spending time with them. This has all happened so fast I didn't really have time to consider it...and I think that was kindof part of the plan. I know getting cultured and experienced is important but I'm worried that I won't really have a place in that world when I come back. Fishing for four months a year still isn't much security financially...especially when you have to fly so far and so many times just to get there and back. I imagine this trip is a one-time thing.
When you are ugly, the world is ugly.
I think this is pretty true. Even though our comprehension of such a thing is far from biological in nature...it's absolutely a nurtured trait...it really does appear that those who are not as beautiful live far less fulfilling lives, and feel far less happy in general. I've been treated like dirt for so long, I know my face is scarred up...someday it won't be. But after so many years of being looked at in such a way, I'm not sure I'll ever recover. I'm not sure I can recover from the way I was treated throughout my life even. Mike talked about how travel lets you reinvent yourself...but then I mentioned the single serving friends thing. After all, he's going back to Cordova, his home...permanently. Even if he had a shitty childhood...it's obvious there are things there he wants. He's gotten me away from where I was, but I was finally starting to obtain some respect...
However, the time away may just end up giving me the things I want when I get back.
I doubt I'll meet a girl in Cordova or back home, though.
I think I am probably doomed to be alone he rest of my sorry existence.
I put a picture of my studio as the wallpaper on my phone so I am always reminded of what I need to go back to. I can't do that shit in Cordova. It has to be back there.
Listened to NIN on the entire flight basically. I intend to continue listening to it quite a bit this summer. I want to examine everything about his style and methods. I want to learn it inside and out, and then maybe I can really find my own voice when I get back.
That's that for now. I might update in Anchorage but that depends on how long the layover is. I have a ridiculous day ahead of me already...and I haven't slept in ages.
Jeeze, if only it were that easy to make money with no ill repercussions. I realize now those trust fund kids and harvard educated kids and rich kids in general have all of the advantages that i don't...they get to be well traveled, articulate, experienced, long before i even have the opportunity to do so...I had no money, neither did my fucking parents. Do you know how fucking unfair that is?
At the age of 22 i've been stuck in the same place...so were the rest of the people around me then, but now, all of these people, they see that inexperience and it's laughable...I don't blame them, but maybe I should? Is it fair to think that every person has the freedom and security to travel and experience and become cultured? As far as I'm concerned it's not...the only options for rural kids like me is to go off to college as an indentured servant or work your ass off and pray...the second one is generally more profitable for someone who grew up like I did, too.
And yet there's always the story of the person who did get out early enough and made it all work...but the reality is, I think you are low enough a percentage to warrant concern for the future of the social world.
I wrote three paragraphs in my handwritten journal today. It's an extension of the sketch book I kept in highschool. I want to try and write something every day.
I've only taken a few pictures so far...what I am hoping right now is this:
I hope that I do get a job for a number of months up there...if it's mind numbing and time consuming and painful leaving me little time to experience the world up in AK, that's fine...I doubt I will stay all season, I will probably cut short...but a few thousand dollars will go a long way.
I want to try and get a flight back to Seattle at the end for my first stop...and get at least one night in a motel here, so I can experience the city a little...take some pictures...eat some food...maybe find a club and check it out. I know there are lots here. This is the place with the highest number of pierced and tattoo'd people in the US.
Looking at return tickets in August, the cheapest to Pittsburgh is about $420 with only two stops. Really that's not bad at all. If I get lucky I can make that in a couple days. Once I get a job up there things will probably look up very quickly.
I actually felt a little pissed about a short convo I had with Mike. I think he's out of it from the sickness but I've noticed he's not really an experimental musician like myself. I asked him if he considered doing anything different or unique for his solo album...like recording it in a strange place, with strange acoustics. He said he'd rather just go and get it done in a professional studio that has high grade equipment and a great engineer.
I know him and most other artists feel that way. They look at it not only as a way to get an album that will sell, but a way to get an album that people will find "familiar" in sound. I don't want that for any of my music. Yes I use a computer...but I'm beginning to invent some really interesting tricks to turn it dirty and analog...and unique. I don't want to use a studio engineer. Maybe that just says that I'm a bad musician in general...maybe I'm not serious enough to ever be taken seriously by the guys that make a 100-500 Gs a year sitting in a nice sound-proof studio with the best equipment...but something tells me that's not what anyone fucking wants anyway...they want something that they identify with. And most people don't identify with all that high tech fucking gear anyway.
SeaTac is pretty quiet at 2am. I can't see anyone in front of me in the lounge area, and there's only a handful of people including mike sleeping behind me. The sec guys outside said the smoking area really doesn't exist at this hour. And here I thought all cities never slept...I guess that's just NYC.
I'm kinda bumming at the moment. I hope the friends I do have back home don't see me leaving as a message that I don't like them, don't like spending time with them. This has all happened so fast I didn't really have time to consider it...and I think that was kindof part of the plan. I know getting cultured and experienced is important but I'm worried that I won't really have a place in that world when I come back. Fishing for four months a year still isn't much security financially...especially when you have to fly so far and so many times just to get there and back. I imagine this trip is a one-time thing.
When you are ugly, the world is ugly.
I think this is pretty true. Even though our comprehension of such a thing is far from biological in nature...it's absolutely a nurtured trait...it really does appear that those who are not as beautiful live far less fulfilling lives, and feel far less happy in general. I've been treated like dirt for so long, I know my face is scarred up...someday it won't be. But after so many years of being looked at in such a way, I'm not sure I'll ever recover. I'm not sure I can recover from the way I was treated throughout my life even. Mike talked about how travel lets you reinvent yourself...but then I mentioned the single serving friends thing. After all, he's going back to Cordova, his home...permanently. Even if he had a shitty childhood...it's obvious there are things there he wants. He's gotten me away from where I was, but I was finally starting to obtain some respect...
However, the time away may just end up giving me the things I want when I get back.
I doubt I'll meet a girl in Cordova or back home, though.
I think I am probably doomed to be alone he rest of my sorry existence.
I put a picture of my studio as the wallpaper on my phone so I am always reminded of what I need to go back to. I can't do that shit in Cordova. It has to be back there.
Listened to NIN on the entire flight basically. I intend to continue listening to it quite a bit this summer. I want to examine everything about his style and methods. I want to learn it inside and out, and then maybe I can really find my own voice when I get back.
That's that for now. I might update in Anchorage but that depends on how long the layover is. I have a ridiculous day ahead of me already...and I haven't slept in ages.
