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sathorBeginning to think that I'm a psychic vampire.
Yep.
Because when I'm in areas with people ultimately I end up feeling a fuck of a lot better emotionally.
When I was down in the city with Justin I remember being euphoric almost the entire time...and no this was not a result of a marijuana binge...the fact is it would've been the same had we all been hanging out drinking or doing anything else for that matter.
The longer I -stay- out here, it seems, the more destitute and emotionally devoid I become. I'm not even sure this is a result of psychic vampirism...maybe it's that human beings need to be around the life force of other human beings, and the more the better. Or maybe just some of us do.
But for some reason, even in Warren I don't feel the connectedness unless I'm in a really concentrated area, like a Wal-Mart parking lot. I think when i closed my eyes I keyed myself into the energy flows. It's something I haven't done in a very long, long time.
Either way, this summer will be the last I spend in rural pennsylvania if I have it my way.
I also want to get away from Matt, to be brutally honest. The friendship has really reached its tipping point and I don't really agree with his perceptions on much of anything anymore. He's turning into a capitalist that believes assertiveness and being an asshole is the key to success. Maybe it is, but it's certainly not the way I want to go about life. He -is- an asshole, he -is- dependent on other people to take care of him, in some ways more than my self, even though he constantly puts me down for the fact I still live with my parents. He blows most of his money at bars, he's never held a job longer than I have, and I've lost a great deal of respect for him. It's not just that, but being out with him people -associate- me with him, and I don't like that at all. I'm -NOT- like him, and it's really infuriating to be lumped into the same category of person -as- him. He's good natured but only to his friends. I was talking to a guy who is about to be evicted from his home in dead winter, laid off, unemployment isn't enough for him to make ends meet. He was really, really drunk, but I understood enough to comprehend his situation. I understood his suffering and I wanted to talk to him because I know everyone else in the bar was -treating him like shit- and that's just absolutely FUCKING WRONG.
Matt called him a leech, a drain on society, and I said, "By that logic you mean all traditional Buddhists are leeches" because they ONLY accept alms from those fortunate enough to have and willing enough to give. The man in question was not a Buddhist but it is absolutely besides the point. We live in one of the richest nations of the world, and yet we still don't have socialized healthcare, our systems for helping out individuals like him are completely lacking, and we'd rather funnel money into third world countries than take care of our own. Honestly, I'm getting real sick and tired of the me first attitude in this area and in America in general - I have a feeling it's because most of the people here are TRAPPED and they feel like whatever comforts they have are something they can't share even a small bit of. I think a great deal of the greed and individualism and elitism is a result of the system...I found out most college economics classes teach greed and selfishness as the first building block of our economic system...and it's ABSOLUTELY REPULSIVE.
It makes me -want- to go live in a monastery the rest of my life.
Yep.
Because when I'm in areas with people ultimately I end up feeling a fuck of a lot better emotionally.
When I was down in the city with Justin I remember being euphoric almost the entire time...and no this was not a result of a marijuana binge...the fact is it would've been the same had we all been hanging out drinking or doing anything else for that matter.
The longer I -stay- out here, it seems, the more destitute and emotionally devoid I become. I'm not even sure this is a result of psychic vampirism...maybe it's that human beings need to be around the life force of other human beings, and the more the better. Or maybe just some of us do.
But for some reason, even in Warren I don't feel the connectedness unless I'm in a really concentrated area, like a Wal-Mart parking lot. I think when i closed my eyes I keyed myself into the energy flows. It's something I haven't done in a very long, long time.
Either way, this summer will be the last I spend in rural pennsylvania if I have it my way.
I also want to get away from Matt, to be brutally honest. The friendship has really reached its tipping point and I don't really agree with his perceptions on much of anything anymore. He's turning into a capitalist that believes assertiveness and being an asshole is the key to success. Maybe it is, but it's certainly not the way I want to go about life. He -is- an asshole, he -is- dependent on other people to take care of him, in some ways more than my self, even though he constantly puts me down for the fact I still live with my parents. He blows most of his money at bars, he's never held a job longer than I have, and I've lost a great deal of respect for him. It's not just that, but being out with him people -associate- me with him, and I don't like that at all. I'm -NOT- like him, and it's really infuriating to be lumped into the same category of person -as- him. He's good natured but only to his friends. I was talking to a guy who is about to be evicted from his home in dead winter, laid off, unemployment isn't enough for him to make ends meet. He was really, really drunk, but I understood enough to comprehend his situation. I understood his suffering and I wanted to talk to him because I know everyone else in the bar was -treating him like shit- and that's just absolutely FUCKING WRONG.
Matt called him a leech, a drain on society, and I said, "By that logic you mean all traditional Buddhists are leeches" because they ONLY accept alms from those fortunate enough to have and willing enough to give. The man in question was not a Buddhist but it is absolutely besides the point. We live in one of the richest nations of the world, and yet we still don't have socialized healthcare, our systems for helping out individuals like him are completely lacking, and we'd rather funnel money into third world countries than take care of our own. Honestly, I'm getting real sick and tired of the me first attitude in this area and in America in general - I have a feeling it's because most of the people here are TRAPPED and they feel like whatever comforts they have are something they can't share even a small bit of. I think a great deal of the greed and individualism and elitism is a result of the system...I found out most college economics classes teach greed and selfishness as the first building block of our economic system...and it's ABSOLUTELY REPULSIVE.
It makes me -want- to go live in a monastery the rest of my life.
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It really pleases me to hear you say...
Date: 2010-02-09 02:28 am (UTC)He's right, you know. He's got the key to winning: abandon all sympathy for those who suffer. The real question is, are YOU willing to give up your LIFE, just to WIN? Would you stomp on your soulmate's face if they were a loser? Is winning and success really THAT important? And the real answer (no, this isn't a trick question) is No, it's Not, it Never will Be, because that Drunk Guy will always be there to remind you what a Fucking Shithead you made yourself into.
I live inside a contradiction of winning and losing every day. I want to be a winner but I know I'm a loser. I know I could easily change into a winner, but I refuse to do it, because the cost to my fellow man and the cost to myself is far greater than I could ever personally accept. Maybe to save someone else... but not just for me. Not again, anyway.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-09 03:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-09 03:28 am (UTC)My world is turned upside down...but it's true...when I'm by myself the world smiles and I have a good time...when I'm with other people (maybe all the people I've ever been friends with here have been idiots and assholes?) it seems like the world treats me like dirt.
Hehe, so I'm an extrovert who's been stuck in an isolated shithole. I wonder what this means for the future...
no subject
Date: 2010-02-09 03:34 am (UTC)Do you believe in psychic vampires?
Not the stupid ones on lifetime television either :P Hahaha...
no subject
Date: 2010-02-09 03:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-09 03:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-09 04:04 am (UTC)Better when I'm out by myself, interacting with people but with no baggage or other people who can influence opinions of me...
The world reacts to me better that way, for some reason. Probably because most of my friends and ex friends from around here were complete assholes
I do honestly love being around people, just has to be under the right conditions.