The Meaning of Trapped
Dec. 19th, 2009 10:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorIt became apparent to me today, that I've probably had my life sabotaged not only by my significant others, but by my family as well.
This is the -essence- of trapped. I live in rural Pennsylvania, at -least- 18 miles from any kind of semi-decent job. Even when I had one, the vehicle expenses more than blew a good portion of my paychecks, leaving me stranded nonetheless. Now I -see- the folly, both on my part and the part of everyone else who has ever been involved in my life. My life has been very fucking unique, and it is for this reason that I am in the terrible place I am at the moment.
Yeah, I self destructed. But that car wasn't -mine- anyway - you think I could ever afford a car, based on the above? Give me a fucking break. Lets not forget a semi-decent job would be defined as 30 hours a week at minimum wage. Add on top of that you're not getting paid for the hour+ total of drive time every day, which is just a -waste of your fucking life if you ask me-
I am more than angry at the moment - if I could get over the fact that within the next year I -will be out of here for good- I would shoot myself right now, just to escape the next fucking hell of a year I'll have before the end of this insanity. Every day is another day of psychological torture, that I'm not even applying to myself willfully. It's not anyone's fault really, although I could say that having had to live where I do should've been noticed as obvious torture considering the day and age we live in now. THIS IS NOT THE 1800S. THIS IS NOT A FARM. ONE CAN NOT EARN A LIVING OR A WAY OUT AT THIS PLACE. AND WHEN HAVING A JOB AT ALL IS BASED ON NEEDING -SOMEONE ELSE- TO GET YOU A VEHICLE, THIS IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO YOUR CHILD'S LIFE, SELF ESTEEM OR ANY FUCKING THING.
Yeah, I'm 22 and this sounds like some over-educated teenager's complaint about life and the parents. But you know what? I never did complain. It's because I never realized just how -fucked up- things have been for me. You can take your fucking child abuse and shove it up your ass, if you lived in civilization at least once you were graduated from high school YOU HAD SOMEWHERE ELSE TO GO, YOU HAD GAINFUL EMPLOY A FEW BLOCKS AWAY, YOU HAD A WAY OUT.
I would've, but the whores in my life ruined that one for me. Remind me never to care about someone ever again, because it will only -fuck your life up more- in the end.
If you aren't selfish, you aren't going to be successful.
Get a grip.
I'm going to drink myself under the floor tonight, and dream about living in a city where opportunity lies around every fucking corner BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY DOES.
This is the -essence- of trapped. I live in rural Pennsylvania, at -least- 18 miles from any kind of semi-decent job. Even when I had one, the vehicle expenses more than blew a good portion of my paychecks, leaving me stranded nonetheless. Now I -see- the folly, both on my part and the part of everyone else who has ever been involved in my life. My life has been very fucking unique, and it is for this reason that I am in the terrible place I am at the moment.
Yeah, I self destructed. But that car wasn't -mine- anyway - you think I could ever afford a car, based on the above? Give me a fucking break. Lets not forget a semi-decent job would be defined as 30 hours a week at minimum wage. Add on top of that you're not getting paid for the hour+ total of drive time every day, which is just a -waste of your fucking life if you ask me-
I am more than angry at the moment - if I could get over the fact that within the next year I -will be out of here for good- I would shoot myself right now, just to escape the next fucking hell of a year I'll have before the end of this insanity. Every day is another day of psychological torture, that I'm not even applying to myself willfully. It's not anyone's fault really, although I could say that having had to live where I do should've been noticed as obvious torture considering the day and age we live in now. THIS IS NOT THE 1800S. THIS IS NOT A FARM. ONE CAN NOT EARN A LIVING OR A WAY OUT AT THIS PLACE. AND WHEN HAVING A JOB AT ALL IS BASED ON NEEDING -SOMEONE ELSE- TO GET YOU A VEHICLE, THIS IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO YOUR CHILD'S LIFE, SELF ESTEEM OR ANY FUCKING THING.
Yeah, I'm 22 and this sounds like some over-educated teenager's complaint about life and the parents. But you know what? I never did complain. It's because I never realized just how -fucked up- things have been for me. You can take your fucking child abuse and shove it up your ass, if you lived in civilization at least once you were graduated from high school YOU HAD SOMEWHERE ELSE TO GO, YOU HAD GAINFUL EMPLOY A FEW BLOCKS AWAY, YOU HAD A WAY OUT.
I would've, but the whores in my life ruined that one for me. Remind me never to care about someone ever again, because it will only -fuck your life up more- in the end.
If you aren't selfish, you aren't going to be successful.
Get a grip.
I'm going to drink myself under the floor tonight, and dream about living in a city where opportunity lies around every fucking corner BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY DOES.
