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This is probably a wank post. I apologize in advance. I know I shouldn't be wasting my time considering the past and thinking about how I'd have done things differently, but here I am, doing it anyway :)
If I could change something about my self at this point, I'd probably erase the learning I've done. All the mind expansion. All the philosophy. All the thoughtful consideration of the bullshit that this capitalist, self-righteous society produces. I'd take my self back to high school, and I'd focus exclusively on mathematics and science. Because those are things that have tangible, real results. They have applications in the real world that have the capacity, at least, to change things for the better. Of course, without all the learning and philosophizing I've done, there's a good chance I would have found my self using scientific talent in some ignorant capacity to further add to the already bloated consumer markets. But we'll just ignore that.
Why do I say this? Because I feel as though the frustration, the stress and the insight gained from my pursuits thus far have had little to no meaning. Not even to my self - quite the contrary, it's only served to make my existence that much more frustrating and difficult. It hasn't "enhanced" my life. Being aware of how, say, the petroleum industry seems to be deliberately destroying the planet (I note that the industry was necessary to achieve this level of civilization, but their lack of foresight is disturbing), or how capitalist markets and advertising, and governments rig themselves in such a way as to enslave and control population, makes absolutely no difference. Simply knowing about it doesn't help the issue, and over all the years I've found that there's no real convincing to be done as far as the rest of the world goes. For all intents and purposes, I might even be wrong and that would mean there's even less of a reason for me to have learned any of it. It'd be one thing if I could earn a sustainable income off of this knowledge and insight (can it be called that?) but I can't - at least, not so far. The troubles run deeper, too.
For instance, if I recognize that the sole purpose of most businesses is to provide either a service or a product, without concern for Space Ship Earth or it's long term health, or for that matter, the health and well being of its inhabitants, and if I am ethically inclined towards not helping those corporations do that, I find my self in a fairly troublesome predicament. Those businesses are basically the only real source of survival for people post industrial revolution. People - including my self - need pay checks to survive. There are ways of making money without being employed, but the income tends towards the unpredictable, and unsteady end. If one is lucky, industrious, and business-minded, they might be able to become a successful entrepreneur - but there's about a ninety-percent failure rate.
It seems therefore that I am in quite a precarious situation. I've no real desire to work for a business that has a bottom line dependent on consumerism, otherwise known as a waste of resources. I've no easily marketable skills or talents that would allow me entry into a field or endeavor that is less likely to be consumerism-dependent. The skills or talents that would make me marketable are quite expensive to obtain - I'm certain I could learn them easily enough (electrical, mechanical, welding, etc.) but training is not available locally and that means paying a premium for both living expenses and tuition, the same predicament I face with a traditional university.
At this point, I'm saying mercy to the universe. You got me. I'm so ridiculously happy that I grew up and live right next door to nature - that I can hear the frogs and the crickets at night, and the birds in the day. I'm not sure there's any other way to really live a life. But commuting to a job daily that a monkey could do, that has no real intrinsic meaning or value, isn't a way to live either. I really need to find another way. Mercy, mercy, mercy.
One last thing I'd like to add to this, is that it is deeply distressing to know that I've spent all of this time and energy learning - learning the sorts of things I touched on above, learning philosophy and music, learning about the world and in particular alternative, typically minority, viewpoints - and I've nothing to show for it. A person can't just look at me, hear me speak for a few minutes (or even for quite a time), read a handful of journal entries, and see self-evident knowledge or wisdom or anything. I can't prove that I am the person I -think- I am to anyone. I've no evidence. I've no evidence I'm educated or talented - actually, my life is a striking contrast to that. I managed an A.A. degree, worked at a lumber mill for 1.5 years, went to Alaska for four months, came back, and worked at a petroleum refinery for four years. Nothing about that reflects how I see my self, or who I am internally. It makes me feel like there's this huge disconnect between who I am inside, and how I am perceived. Taken even further, I could even argue that how I feel I am internally, I've no evidence for either - if there's no empirical reference, then how can I possibly consider my self these things? It's like...border-line magical thinking.
Very, incredibly, frustrating :(
If I could change something about my self at this point, I'd probably erase the learning I've done. All the mind expansion. All the philosophy. All the thoughtful consideration of the bullshit that this capitalist, self-righteous society produces. I'd take my self back to high school, and I'd focus exclusively on mathematics and science. Because those are things that have tangible, real results. They have applications in the real world that have the capacity, at least, to change things for the better. Of course, without all the learning and philosophizing I've done, there's a good chance I would have found my self using scientific talent in some ignorant capacity to further add to the already bloated consumer markets. But we'll just ignore that.
Why do I say this? Because I feel as though the frustration, the stress and the insight gained from my pursuits thus far have had little to no meaning. Not even to my self - quite the contrary, it's only served to make my existence that much more frustrating and difficult. It hasn't "enhanced" my life. Being aware of how, say, the petroleum industry seems to be deliberately destroying the planet (I note that the industry was necessary to achieve this level of civilization, but their lack of foresight is disturbing), or how capitalist markets and advertising, and governments rig themselves in such a way as to enslave and control population, makes absolutely no difference. Simply knowing about it doesn't help the issue, and over all the years I've found that there's no real convincing to be done as far as the rest of the world goes. For all intents and purposes, I might even be wrong and that would mean there's even less of a reason for me to have learned any of it. It'd be one thing if I could earn a sustainable income off of this knowledge and insight (can it be called that?) but I can't - at least, not so far. The troubles run deeper, too.
For instance, if I recognize that the sole purpose of most businesses is to provide either a service or a product, without concern for Space Ship Earth or it's long term health, or for that matter, the health and well being of its inhabitants, and if I am ethically inclined towards not helping those corporations do that, I find my self in a fairly troublesome predicament. Those businesses are basically the only real source of survival for people post industrial revolution. People - including my self - need pay checks to survive. There are ways of making money without being employed, but the income tends towards the unpredictable, and unsteady end. If one is lucky, industrious, and business-minded, they might be able to become a successful entrepreneur - but there's about a ninety-percent failure rate.
It seems therefore that I am in quite a precarious situation. I've no real desire to work for a business that has a bottom line dependent on consumerism, otherwise known as a waste of resources. I've no easily marketable skills or talents that would allow me entry into a field or endeavor that is less likely to be consumerism-dependent. The skills or talents that would make me marketable are quite expensive to obtain - I'm certain I could learn them easily enough (electrical, mechanical, welding, etc.) but training is not available locally and that means paying a premium for both living expenses and tuition, the same predicament I face with a traditional university.
At this point, I'm saying mercy to the universe. You got me. I'm so ridiculously happy that I grew up and live right next door to nature - that I can hear the frogs and the crickets at night, and the birds in the day. I'm not sure there's any other way to really live a life. But commuting to a job daily that a monkey could do, that has no real intrinsic meaning or value, isn't a way to live either. I really need to find another way. Mercy, mercy, mercy.
One last thing I'd like to add to this, is that it is deeply distressing to know that I've spent all of this time and energy learning - learning the sorts of things I touched on above, learning philosophy and music, learning about the world and in particular alternative, typically minority, viewpoints - and I've nothing to show for it. A person can't just look at me, hear me speak for a few minutes (or even for quite a time), read a handful of journal entries, and see self-evident knowledge or wisdom or anything. I can't prove that I am the person I -think- I am to anyone. I've no evidence. I've no evidence I'm educated or talented - actually, my life is a striking contrast to that. I managed an A.A. degree, worked at a lumber mill for 1.5 years, went to Alaska for four months, came back, and worked at a petroleum refinery for four years. Nothing about that reflects how I see my self, or who I am internally. It makes me feel like there's this huge disconnect between who I am inside, and how I am perceived. Taken even further, I could even argue that how I feel I am internally, I've no evidence for either - if there's no empirical reference, then how can I possibly consider my self these things? It's like...border-line magical thinking.
Very, incredibly, frustrating :(
