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Anti-Psychotics
Jun. 20th, 2015 10:32 pmOne of the best and among the most meaningful people I ever knew - my cousin Eric - is basically no more. I don't say that easily.
I hadn't heard from him in ages (a year or two), but the wedding I attended today he also attended. However, he was not himself. At least, not the self that I remember.
Apparently he had a pretty severe mental breakdown about eight months ago. But I knew right from when I started seeing him that he was on serious medication (closer to when I left, he was standing continuously, rocking back and forth slowly - catatonic essentially - only anti-psychotics do that.) Regardless of what he was going through, I wish him the best, I really do - it's completely out of my control, and I wish I could have saved him. But obviously, I can't.
Those anti-psychotics destroyed him, though. Whoever he was, I'm not sure it will ever return. When I was a young teenager, I saw the same thing happen to my best female friend - she was one of the only people I could talk to and who would really grok me. As soon as she started a psychiatrist approved medication plan, it ended. She became something entirely different - and she started to really fit in with everyone else, and started to actually look at me, and treat me, the way everyone else did.
With Eric, there's more than that, though - he told me he hasn't played music in over eight months. Has no interest in it anymore.
So much for artistic souls surviving modern psychiatry. He was the best musician I personally knew.
I couldn't bear to stay at the wedding longer than 1.5 hours - after speaking with Eric briefly, I pretty much lost all taste for social interaction. I'm incredibly disheartened by this. I suppose it didn't help the DJ was totally obnoxious and the music was too loud for me/too much going on. But it was infuriating on a level I can't describe. I know the struggles of depression and manic/depression and anxiety, but to see the effects of the drugs...on someone I love? Too much to bear.
One positive thing I noticed (I guess I should end on a positive note?) is that I experienced basically zero anxiety symptoms. I was a fish out of water, as I always am at large social events, but no anxiety - I was totally comfortable. Confident, even. Just didn't have much of a reason to engage every person I came across, although I made a few attempts. To think, most people don't even self-examine on this level...ugh.
I hadn't heard from him in ages (a year or two), but the wedding I attended today he also attended. However, he was not himself. At least, not the self that I remember.
Apparently he had a pretty severe mental breakdown about eight months ago. But I knew right from when I started seeing him that he was on serious medication (closer to when I left, he was standing continuously, rocking back and forth slowly - catatonic essentially - only anti-psychotics do that.) Regardless of what he was going through, I wish him the best, I really do - it's completely out of my control, and I wish I could have saved him. But obviously, I can't.
Those anti-psychotics destroyed him, though. Whoever he was, I'm not sure it will ever return. When I was a young teenager, I saw the same thing happen to my best female friend - she was one of the only people I could talk to and who would really grok me. As soon as she started a psychiatrist approved medication plan, it ended. She became something entirely different - and she started to really fit in with everyone else, and started to actually look at me, and treat me, the way everyone else did.
With Eric, there's more than that, though - he told me he hasn't played music in over eight months. Has no interest in it anymore.
So much for artistic souls surviving modern psychiatry. He was the best musician I personally knew.
I couldn't bear to stay at the wedding longer than 1.5 hours - after speaking with Eric briefly, I pretty much lost all taste for social interaction. I'm incredibly disheartened by this. I suppose it didn't help the DJ was totally obnoxious and the music was too loud for me/too much going on. But it was infuriating on a level I can't describe. I know the struggles of depression and manic/depression and anxiety, but to see the effects of the drugs...on someone I love? Too much to bear.
One positive thing I noticed (I guess I should end on a positive note?) is that I experienced basically zero anxiety symptoms. I was a fish out of water, as I always am at large social events, but no anxiety - I was totally comfortable. Confident, even. Just didn't have much of a reason to engage every person I came across, although I made a few attempts. To think, most people don't even self-examine on this level...ugh.
