hello darkness my old friend

My scalp flared up pretty badly this week. I think a lot of exhaustion, general torpor, and a lack of spoons for anything comes with it. Back when this all started, I remember thinking it was the anti-fungal meds they put me on...but honestly I think it's just the issue itself. Anti-fungal meds did diddly squat for it...actually, when I was on them, I think that was the worst my scalp ever got...antibiotics at the same time helped the secondary infection but there was no attempt at anti-inflammatories. The best response I ever had was with the latter. Of course I haven't seen a doctor about it in two years now...mostly because my general practitioner's office told me they didn't want to see me again for it, and I have absolutely zero interest in driving to nearby cities to get "specialized" treatment (if you read about cicatricial alopecia, you'll read stories of people who saw 4 or more dermatologists who had no idea what it was.) The closest one was just as lost as the rest, and kept dragging the whole process out. Wanted to see me every two weeks. The first time I went, he wrote a prescription for anti-inflammatory medication and said come back for the biopsy in two weeks (the inflammation is too bad to do one today.) When I went back, he said, "I want to take you off the inflammatory medication so we can do a biopsy, it might interfere." Now you see why I never went back to him. I MADE him do the biopsy that day, and never went back. I was kinda peeved that he tried to push it another week...just didn't seem very doctor-like to me to say one thing one day, and another the next. Seemed like maybe he was thinking about dollar signs. That's what I really felt that day. Mother is pushing me to go back and I really don't want anything to fucking do with doctors anymore. I've seen like five. Seriously. I'm fucking sick of it, I'm sick of having drugs tested on the disease and I'm sick of my insurance being looked at like it's a rarity, and like it's something to be abused by the medical industry.


So, there was a camping trip planned where a friend was trying to hook me up with some 40 year old (who seems nice, cute and generally good-hearted) but I bailed on that. When I finally started talking to her near the end of the week, my scalp was going crazy (still is) and I had some really bad vibes about the trip - she also seemed to be REALLY interested for someone who hasn't heard my voice yet and that just screams screwed up to me. They changed plans last minute, instead of a local campground near Kinzua reservoir, they wanted to go somewhere closer to Cook's Forest (and I've never been down that way.) So be it. I don't think it is a good idea for me to hook up with a 40 year old anyway...and based on my response to this lady...probably not anyone...not now...and maybe not ever. I feel like I don't have the energy anymore to give out to anyone. I know the exhaustion from my job and life and my disease ruined my last relationship, and I'm not sure anyone will ever "understand" or "accept" me for who I am and what I deal with. I've tried explaining to my new friends how spoons work, how any of it works, but it's like they don't even see it...they just expect me to have boundless energy, to want to do shit every day, and I know at some point, these new friends will be just like any others I've made or had over the years...they'll get sick of knowing they can't just call me whenever and have a friend come running, so they'll find someone else to fill the spot. I feel like a black hole. The past couple days I've even wondered, what if this shit ends up killing me from secondary infection, why would I even bother trying to drag anyone into my life at this point when that could happen any time? The infection would already be RIGHT NEXT to my brain if it happens. I know I've gotten staph before from it, my body always fights it off...but there will probably be an age I reach where it just doesn't have the power anymore. Especially when I'm blowing spoons on doing EVERYTHING for my self, taking care of a home, taking care of a vehicle, taking care of my self, dealing with all the additional stresses that I have thankfully been insulated from (and for one of the first time in my life, I'm actually really thankful for my parents letting me live here as long as they have...I'm not sure I would have made it far otherwise.)

Some suicidal thoughts and stuff have come around this time. Nothing crazy, just coming and going. It feels so utterly without meaning. My life is nothing like what a normal 27 year old would have (and yes, I turn 27 tomorrow.) The only thing I have going for me is a good-paying job. Everything else is in shambles. I made new friends, but like I explained above, unless I start really pushing my stress and spoon limits they are probably going to get sick of me. I have had sneaking feelings about my old friends and I'm probably correct. Rick is a backstabber, I'm almost positive, and I feel like he has been a source of a lot of social issues I've -felt- I had in Tidioute and with the people there. One of his young nieces said some things to me one night while I was out camping that made me really question the friendship. Seems he at some point indicated I was no longer a best friend of his, and we had been since childhood, you know? Other scattered indicators, one example being him possibly saying I had STDs to local women he knows. I used to get a lot of attention from women, especially ones in Tidioute - could completely explain what changed. Not that any of that matters - they can give me all the attention in the world, if I don't have the energy to reciprocate, it's not going anywhere.

I guess that's all besides the point. My exes are perfectly happy without me, better off I'm sure - I would just drag a normal person down. At least I can still be useful to my family - I can still help upkeep the land, and take care of yearly duties. I can work a job and help civilization keep moving in one form or another.

I guess it just hurts knowing that whatever you thought love was, it probably isn't...not to my generation. Matt said to me the other day that he's really only interested in sex, doesn't want a relationship - and he's working on three different women atm. Sometimes I think women are just as guilty of that shit as men are. Most men I've known were just like him. I'm the outlier...and surprise surprise, I'm single. I suppose it's better that way.