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Not a leader, or a follower
May. 25th, 2014 02:22 amBeen a long couple days. Yesterday I woke up at 5:30am, did the work thing, and went weight lifting with my cousin (whom works in the same shop I do at the refinery.) He lifts a LOT compared to me - 245lb flat bench press on his first set. I did benches Thursday so I didn't bother - but I couldn't get that one off the rack. I didn't try 205, I may be able to one-rep that. Still, I ended up doing about 20 sets or so. Bent over rows, preacher curls, bench dips, and some volume shoulder and back stuff. I'm still pretty torn up today.
There was a lady there he had some sort of intention of setting me up with (but she didn't break up with her boyfriend, so he never went through with that.) She was cute, but leaving that day to go back home in the south. Not really my type, I felt. I was pretty silent, which I suppose isn't out of the ordinary for me. She said, "Nice meeting you, you'll never see me again now!" and I said as I was leaving, "Yeah, nice knowing ya," and I laughed out loud, which is a bit out of the ordinary. Of course, my cousin never bothered to introduce me and I didn't even introduce myself. This is something I've noticed with people around here, for whatever reason - basically none of my friends introduce me to anyone they know, and hardly anyone I meet introduces themselves to me unless I DO IT. It's ALWAYS on me. I don't know if it's a lack of manners in this rural subculture, or what? But I was raised and taught to do that, and I did grow up here, so it seems very strange. Or maybe it has something to do with me?
After that I raced home and downed some carbohydrates because I didn't know whether my friends and I would be stopping to eat before seeing Godzilla. Well, they decided to stop last minute at the China Buffet. This time, it wasn't so bad (not so the last time.) My friends "accidentally" put me on the buffet, even though I told them to keep me off of it...so I paid $10 for a small plate of food. Silly. White rice and some black fried chicken shrimp (very spicy!.) It was really good, honestly - I never thought I'd enjoy Chinese food but I really liked that. The Chinese pop music in the background was a nice touch, and I really -do- like how wide open and airy the inside of the place is. It felt very traditional. I feel like the last time I was there (years ago, with some people that I probably didn't feel that comfortable with) I couldn't even experience the place. It's like I couldn't even -see- it or -feel- it because I was so anxiety ridden. It's so WEIRD how much I have changed, even though I'm still in the same place.
The movie was OK. There were some slow points and the story dragged for awhile, but I enjoyed it. Of course just spending some quality time with my two best friends was probably the best part about the whole night.
After that, I brought them back to Rick's car at my house. I filled up on the way - the new car is getting about 33 mpg, which is quite nice! We had a bit of a chat at the kitchen table over a couple beers and that was that. I went to bed early.
This morning I woke up, ate, and took my old car to a junk yard in Sugar Grove with my father. Neat. I wouldn't have minded looking around for awhile, but I guess today was not that day. He was ready to roll as soon as the cash was in my hand, so that was that. He went off to be a judge at a car/motorcycle/tractor show in the "big" town of Tidioute, Pennsylvania, and I stayed home the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing. This does not bother me. Friday was quite a lot more than I am used to, and I even refused to go out tonight because I just wanted to relax. This is my old three day weekend for awhile, due to the holiday, so I'd like to recuperate.
That's it for now, I think I should try and update on my internals and thoughts tomorrow.
Ah, and then I realize why I decided I was going to write this in the first place as I looked at the title again (writing this has taken close to an hour, between me getting sidetracked in other windows.)
Some "game" article I had come across made me think about this whole leader and follower business. According to "game" professionals, if you can't lead women, you're pretty much doomed. I think maybe they are correct. I haven't met too many ladies in my life that wanted someone to make decisions together with them, you know. Every girlfriend I ever had, I think, seemed to get rubbed the wrong way when I took their feelings into consideration or asked them for their opinion on what to do, or even downright told them they were deciding. Most often I think this was because I was happy doing anything as long as it was with them - that doesn't really seem all that bad, but apparently it's really bad "male etiquette." I guess because I was born with different genitals and levels of hormones, that means I have to be some kind of leader, the ultimate decision maker, the "alpha"? Why do I feel like THAT is really sexist towards men? Why do I feel like anyone who is well-balanced inside of themselves is really at odds with greater society in the west, and my generation in particular?
I'm not a leader, or a follower. The first girl I ever fell in love with (she was 5 years older than me, and thankfully I didn't have sex with her at 15 when the opportunity was there) actually told me she felt I wasn't a beta or an alpha - I was completely outside of the rank and file and there was something really /weird/ about that. Just a thought that comes to mind over this whole thing.
I'm so sick of stereotypes and everyone trying to fit everything into nice neat little boxes. Life is absolutely NOT THAT. Women are NOT attracted to "this one fucking thing." Men are not, "this one fucking thing." If having a "cocky funny because I read Neil Strauss" attitude is what every single woman on this planet wants in a man, then I guess I'm going to be single because I'm not reading Neil Strauss and I refuse to believe that anyone has this shit figured out. If there's some piece of me missing because I didn't develop completely, or because I was beat up so much as a young person, and that's the source of my social and relationship difficulties...then it is what it is, you know? I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect. I have to try and be happy with what I am, and who I am. I can't allow my tailor-fit suffering in ONE FACET of this life to ruin the rest of it. It sucks, maybe it will get better, maybe it won't. I hope it does. But if it doesn't, please God, let me find my happiness and peace anyway. This is getting really free-writing like and I apologize, but I suppose I have a LOT of unconscious and subconscious feelings on this subject matter.
That's that for now.
There was a lady there he had some sort of intention of setting me up with (but she didn't break up with her boyfriend, so he never went through with that.) She was cute, but leaving that day to go back home in the south. Not really my type, I felt. I was pretty silent, which I suppose isn't out of the ordinary for me. She said, "Nice meeting you, you'll never see me again now!" and I said as I was leaving, "Yeah, nice knowing ya," and I laughed out loud, which is a bit out of the ordinary. Of course, my cousin never bothered to introduce me and I didn't even introduce myself. This is something I've noticed with people around here, for whatever reason - basically none of my friends introduce me to anyone they know, and hardly anyone I meet introduces themselves to me unless I DO IT. It's ALWAYS on me. I don't know if it's a lack of manners in this rural subculture, or what? But I was raised and taught to do that, and I did grow up here, so it seems very strange. Or maybe it has something to do with me?
After that I raced home and downed some carbohydrates because I didn't know whether my friends and I would be stopping to eat before seeing Godzilla. Well, they decided to stop last minute at the China Buffet. This time, it wasn't so bad (not so the last time.) My friends "accidentally" put me on the buffet, even though I told them to keep me off of it...so I paid $10 for a small plate of food. Silly. White rice and some black fried chicken shrimp (very spicy!.) It was really good, honestly - I never thought I'd enjoy Chinese food but I really liked that. The Chinese pop music in the background was a nice touch, and I really -do- like how wide open and airy the inside of the place is. It felt very traditional. I feel like the last time I was there (years ago, with some people that I probably didn't feel that comfortable with) I couldn't even experience the place. It's like I couldn't even -see- it or -feel- it because I was so anxiety ridden. It's so WEIRD how much I have changed, even though I'm still in the same place.
The movie was OK. There were some slow points and the story dragged for awhile, but I enjoyed it. Of course just spending some quality time with my two best friends was probably the best part about the whole night.
After that, I brought them back to Rick's car at my house. I filled up on the way - the new car is getting about 33 mpg, which is quite nice! We had a bit of a chat at the kitchen table over a couple beers and that was that. I went to bed early.
This morning I woke up, ate, and took my old car to a junk yard in Sugar Grove with my father. Neat. I wouldn't have minded looking around for awhile, but I guess today was not that day. He was ready to roll as soon as the cash was in my hand, so that was that. He went off to be a judge at a car/motorcycle/tractor show in the "big" town of Tidioute, Pennsylvania, and I stayed home the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing. This does not bother me. Friday was quite a lot more than I am used to, and I even refused to go out tonight because I just wanted to relax. This is my old three day weekend for awhile, due to the holiday, so I'd like to recuperate.
That's it for now, I think I should try and update on my internals and thoughts tomorrow.
Ah, and then I realize why I decided I was going to write this in the first place as I looked at the title again (writing this has taken close to an hour, between me getting sidetracked in other windows.)
Some "game" article I had come across made me think about this whole leader and follower business. According to "game" professionals, if you can't lead women, you're pretty much doomed. I think maybe they are correct. I haven't met too many ladies in my life that wanted someone to make decisions together with them, you know. Every girlfriend I ever had, I think, seemed to get rubbed the wrong way when I took their feelings into consideration or asked them for their opinion on what to do, or even downright told them they were deciding. Most often I think this was because I was happy doing anything as long as it was with them - that doesn't really seem all that bad, but apparently it's really bad "male etiquette." I guess because I was born with different genitals and levels of hormones, that means I have to be some kind of leader, the ultimate decision maker, the "alpha"? Why do I feel like THAT is really sexist towards men? Why do I feel like anyone who is well-balanced inside of themselves is really at odds with greater society in the west, and my generation in particular?
I'm not a leader, or a follower. The first girl I ever fell in love with (she was 5 years older than me, and thankfully I didn't have sex with her at 15 when the opportunity was there) actually told me she felt I wasn't a beta or an alpha - I was completely outside of the rank and file and there was something really /weird/ about that. Just a thought that comes to mind over this whole thing.
I'm so sick of stereotypes and everyone trying to fit everything into nice neat little boxes. Life is absolutely NOT THAT. Women are NOT attracted to "this one fucking thing." Men are not, "this one fucking thing." If having a "cocky funny because I read Neil Strauss" attitude is what every single woman on this planet wants in a man, then I guess I'm going to be single because I'm not reading Neil Strauss and I refuse to believe that anyone has this shit figured out. If there's some piece of me missing because I didn't develop completely, or because I was beat up so much as a young person, and that's the source of my social and relationship difficulties...then it is what it is, you know? I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect. I have to try and be happy with what I am, and who I am. I can't allow my tailor-fit suffering in ONE FACET of this life to ruin the rest of it. It sucks, maybe it will get better, maybe it won't. I hope it does. But if it doesn't, please God, let me find my happiness and peace anyway. This is getting really free-writing like and I apologize, but I suppose I have a LOT of unconscious and subconscious feelings on this subject matter.
That's that for now.
