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Must've been a manic phase. Be prepared for a lot of swearing.
Down in the dumps again. My mind is running in circles on a topic that seems basically unsolvable - essentially, it breaks down to, "who the fuck designs a world in which people are basically running on rails, especially when it comes to how the world responds to them (genetic beauty, intellect, sociability.)" I had three instances tonight/today, whatever it is, that all collided. The first was an admittedly stereotypical attractive lady that delivered food to work, which was followed by about an hour of various coworkers who saw her talking about how much they'd like to bang her, how hot she is, etc, including the laziest asshole of them all, who has slept with about a hundred women, saying he stayed the night at her house and didn't bang her and regrets it. Now this lead to a mindset of basically, "How the fuck can this whiny little brat get so many women so easily." Oh, it all makes sense. He's fake as hell, a narcissist and a lazy bastard that is literally insubordinate daily and hasn't even been written up for it yet. God just hates people like me, that explains it. He hates people like me, and he rewards worthless pieces of shit. I get it now.
This person I'm speaking of is the most vulgar, egomaniacal, insane person I may have ever met. I can barely stand being within earshot of the shit that spews out of his mouth CONTINUOUSLY - he has serious issues, it's apparent, but the thing is, I'm basically certain all of his sexual exploits, all of his social life, is absolutely true. Why? Because humanity fucking sucks. That's why. And because God rewards people like that. He just shits on anybody with half a brain. Or maybe it's that this whole society is a joke, and I really need to work harder on hitchhiking a ride to a more advanced extra-terrestrial society...or just pray to God that if there is a next life, I end up somewhere else, in a different world, on a different planet, with beings who...aren't like this.
Later on, one of the nearly retired outsiders I pull parts for nightly during shutdown said to me, "You should've been out here trying to hump that chick's leg or something." I responded, "I don't really believe people deserve to be treated differently because of what they're born with." He says, "Well, that's just the way the world works. At least for some of us. Look at Helena of Troy, whole empires crushed over her." True, old man, but we're supposed to fucking learn something from the thousands of years we've been around. Guess not.
Or maybe more simply, God just hates people like me. Physically ugly, misanthropic, bitter and jaded - but I wasn't always that way; my life experience just keeps pushing me further down a pathway and it feels like the harder I try to steer towards better horizons, the worse it all gets. I literally feel like screaming, "I fucking -hate- humans" more times than I'd like to admit, and I'm sure that's not healthy. Obviously, you can't have a successful relationship, you can't have real friendships, and you can't have any meaningful impact if you hate everything around you, and would rather just cease to exist - but it would be nice to fucking know at some point WHY the world seems to think that some people, however fucked up, ignorant, mean, sadistic and selfish people are, they STILL have a fulfilling life with physical and emotional pleasure while I get to stand by and watch as I'm rejected, beaten up, used, abused and scapegoated TIME and TIME again, and the blame, no matter who is telling me, is ALWAYS going to end up on my shoulders. It's ALWAYS my fault. I'M the one that's BROKEN. I'M the one that's WRONG. I'M the one that ISN'T DOING THINGS RIGHT. What the fuck is right, again? Does anybody even know? I thought living morally upstanding, keeping my mouth shut when I didn't have something good to say, being respectful towards women - treating them as equals and as human beings - working hard, sharing the burden of work, not being vulgar, not harboring constant sexual or derogatory thoughts and expressing them openly was RIGHT. But everyone I know who does all of those things...guess what...they're fucking HAPPY, and they're fucking -fulfilled- in a way that apparently just isn't gonna happen for me! I can't even see it ever happening, given the kind of shit I've had to go through so far in life. I'm so beat up and scarred, I often can't perceive myself ever feeling REAL empathy for another human being ever again. Pity, maybe.
And yeah, I have my moments where I can forget about all this shit, where I can push it deep inside myself and hide it away, and put on the mask again, but you know what? It never lasts. And that mask isn't me - this is me, in all my glorious ugliness.
Later on in the night, that same outside contractor brought up the fact that the amount of retardation in the plant is disproportionate to its size compared to most other modern refineries. Go figure. The place is a disaster area. He said it reminds him of the 1950s, he's never seen more piss poor planning, organization...never seen the kind of junk parts handed out...never seen the kind of stuff that we get away with happen without the EPA getting involved.
This whole fucking area is a shit hole, and every single one of these guys knows it, and I've inquired many of them without implying my opinion. Maybe I really have been getting gas lighted my whole life by a bunch of inbred retards here.
The third instance, by the way, was logging into face book upon arriving home and seeing (yet another) picture of the same, narcissistic girl that resides in one of my friend's circles. I've met her before. Of course, she tried her best to look as sexy as possible. Of course, the whole fucking thing was blown up with comments about how pretty she was, coddling her already over sized ego. That lit me right off because it fit right into what happened earlier tonight - "Must be nice to be complimented for attributes you're born with" I posted on my timeline. Humans make me sick.
Down in the dumps again. My mind is running in circles on a topic that seems basically unsolvable - essentially, it breaks down to, "who the fuck designs a world in which people are basically running on rails, especially when it comes to how the world responds to them (genetic beauty, intellect, sociability.)" I had three instances tonight/today, whatever it is, that all collided. The first was an admittedly stereotypical attractive lady that delivered food to work, which was followed by about an hour of various coworkers who saw her talking about how much they'd like to bang her, how hot she is, etc, including the laziest asshole of them all, who has slept with about a hundred women, saying he stayed the night at her house and didn't bang her and regrets it. Now this lead to a mindset of basically, "How the fuck can this whiny little brat get so many women so easily." Oh, it all makes sense. He's fake as hell, a narcissist and a lazy bastard that is literally insubordinate daily and hasn't even been written up for it yet. God just hates people like me, that explains it. He hates people like me, and he rewards worthless pieces of shit. I get it now.
This person I'm speaking of is the most vulgar, egomaniacal, insane person I may have ever met. I can barely stand being within earshot of the shit that spews out of his mouth CONTINUOUSLY - he has serious issues, it's apparent, but the thing is, I'm basically certain all of his sexual exploits, all of his social life, is absolutely true. Why? Because humanity fucking sucks. That's why. And because God rewards people like that. He just shits on anybody with half a brain. Or maybe it's that this whole society is a joke, and I really need to work harder on hitchhiking a ride to a more advanced extra-terrestrial society...or just pray to God that if there is a next life, I end up somewhere else, in a different world, on a different planet, with beings who...aren't like this.
Later on, one of the nearly retired outsiders I pull parts for nightly during shutdown said to me, "You should've been out here trying to hump that chick's leg or something." I responded, "I don't really believe people deserve to be treated differently because of what they're born with." He says, "Well, that's just the way the world works. At least for some of us. Look at Helena of Troy, whole empires crushed over her." True, old man, but we're supposed to fucking learn something from the thousands of years we've been around. Guess not.
Or maybe more simply, God just hates people like me. Physically ugly, misanthropic, bitter and jaded - but I wasn't always that way; my life experience just keeps pushing me further down a pathway and it feels like the harder I try to steer towards better horizons, the worse it all gets. I literally feel like screaming, "I fucking -hate- humans" more times than I'd like to admit, and I'm sure that's not healthy. Obviously, you can't have a successful relationship, you can't have real friendships, and you can't have any meaningful impact if you hate everything around you, and would rather just cease to exist - but it would be nice to fucking know at some point WHY the world seems to think that some people, however fucked up, ignorant, mean, sadistic and selfish people are, they STILL have a fulfilling life with physical and emotional pleasure while I get to stand by and watch as I'm rejected, beaten up, used, abused and scapegoated TIME and TIME again, and the blame, no matter who is telling me, is ALWAYS going to end up on my shoulders. It's ALWAYS my fault. I'M the one that's BROKEN. I'M the one that's WRONG. I'M the one that ISN'T DOING THINGS RIGHT. What the fuck is right, again? Does anybody even know? I thought living morally upstanding, keeping my mouth shut when I didn't have something good to say, being respectful towards women - treating them as equals and as human beings - working hard, sharing the burden of work, not being vulgar, not harboring constant sexual or derogatory thoughts and expressing them openly was RIGHT. But everyone I know who does all of those things...guess what...they're fucking HAPPY, and they're fucking -fulfilled- in a way that apparently just isn't gonna happen for me! I can't even see it ever happening, given the kind of shit I've had to go through so far in life. I'm so beat up and scarred, I often can't perceive myself ever feeling REAL empathy for another human being ever again. Pity, maybe.
And yeah, I have my moments where I can forget about all this shit, where I can push it deep inside myself and hide it away, and put on the mask again, but you know what? It never lasts. And that mask isn't me - this is me, in all my glorious ugliness.
Later on in the night, that same outside contractor brought up the fact that the amount of retardation in the plant is disproportionate to its size compared to most other modern refineries. Go figure. The place is a disaster area. He said it reminds him of the 1950s, he's never seen more piss poor planning, organization...never seen the kind of junk parts handed out...never seen the kind of stuff that we get away with happen without the EPA getting involved.
This whole fucking area is a shit hole, and every single one of these guys knows it, and I've inquired many of them without implying my opinion. Maybe I really have been getting gas lighted my whole life by a bunch of inbred retards here.
The third instance, by the way, was logging into face book upon arriving home and seeing (yet another) picture of the same, narcissistic girl that resides in one of my friend's circles. I've met her before. Of course, she tried her best to look as sexy as possible. Of course, the whole fucking thing was blown up with comments about how pretty she was, coddling her already over sized ego. That lit me right off because it fit right into what happened earlier tonight - "Must be nice to be complimented for attributes you're born with" I posted on my timeline. Humans make me sick.
