Something that's been Different, Randomness

For a long time, I wasn't able to access much of my past. Memories, especially ones very far back, have been well out of reach. I imagine that's part of the normal aging process...but for whatever reason it seems that my mind has been drifting back to these memories much more often and usually without my involvement. It's not out of the ordinary for my mind to wander to them now when exhausted, having a reverie or laying down for bed. My dreams, too, have been much more frequent and vivid. There's only one thing I've changed recently, and that's writing in this journal...maybe writing has brought me back to the space I was in those days. My music, too, seems to aid in the process - listening to works I've completed in the past five years or so brings back floods of memories of those time periods.

Last night, as I lay in my bed around 10:30, I found my mind doing exactly that. And I found myself considering the plausibility of everything being a dream, or maybe more specifically, a collective dream - my past triggering some kind of ethereal sense of my life experience. That surreality has become a recurring theme for me in life...I recognize that it is a symptom of some psychological disorders...but I also recognize that it is impossible for anyone to determine objectively the underlying nature of our world. I recall quite well a moment on third shift in operations when I was walking next to the east cooling tower diesels - industrial monstrosities bigger than semi-truck engines that ran emergency water pumps in the event of power failure or to make up for lack of cooling on hot days. As I looked down at the rocks, I saw them all as pure energy - and everything else for that matter. That's really all matter is. But seeing it, or experiencing it, is different than theorizing about it - it's all too easy to learn to think and feel that our material existence is somehow separate from the path our spirit walks, when it is in fact inexorably connected. The divine reality is here, so the real question becomes for me, what is the negative, and is it even such a thing? Have I had good reason to be so harsh on my life, the people who have hurt me (or did I hurt myself?) and the experiences I have had that have left lasting marks?

I still can't shake the feeling, though, that I am cursed in a way. I've never met another person like me - never met someone who groks the kinds of things I wrote above. Every time I enter a relationship, I find myself trapped in a non-spiritual life forced mainly out of their lack of comprehension...not my inability to live and breath the spiritual. Even sex is incredibly spiritual to me...and not to be taken lightly.

So, here I sit on a Sunday morning. I compiled everything from the past three years of my musical work that I enjoy, and one track from closer to six years ago...and put an album together. Here I listen. I think I'll put it on youtube and my soundcloud...at least it will get more visibility that way than I would on my hard drive. I know I'm not a great musician by any means, but I can't possibly know what others will hear, either.

Today I'm a bit sad, although I have been for a few weeks now so I suppose it's not really out of the current ordinary. I found out Colette is pregnant...which is ironic because I just had a dream about this a few weeks ago. I was back in the past, saying how I wanted to have one instead of being decidedly against it. it figures that the ones I've loved and been closest too suffered through me as a just a kid...although, I guess I suffered through them as well.