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Feb. 1st, 2014 12:55 amLast night I had a moment of absolute fear of returning to work. I took two and a half weeks of vacation - the entire amount allotted me this year - all at once. I had to have it - too many bad experiences recently, the neurotic atmosphere was really starting to break me down, and I could no longer deal with some of the people. It ends this Monday when I return. There was a dual purpose here...one was to burn my vacation in case I gave them a two weeks notice and they told me to scram immediately...the other was to take time and consider whether or not I could see myself staying there forever.
There is a problem, you know. I have been there three years. I have learned a great deal. I am good at my job, I recognize the vast majority of the thousands of parts and pieces that every aspect of maintenance uses. It would be harmful to the company to lose me, I understand that. I also understand there are people there who would hate to see me go - my two supervisors in particular, as well as some of the other plant supervision, including the head of Maintenance. There are coworkers as well, although I have to admit, I'm less inclined to feel like I'm losing much there. It feels much like high school and college did - I'm much closer to my superiors than I am to my peers. I've always been like that. And Lao Tzu would say a superior man surrounds himself with only people who are superior to him. I've always agreed with that.
I digress, though. I had a moment of absolute fear. I thought to myself, "I can't go back. I can't deal with it." And the truth is, I probably can't. I know what I'm going back to, and I'm most likely going to hate it. It's going to break down what little bit of self esteem and confidence and happiness I've built up in the last half month. But I'll deal with it, for a little while longer. For how long, I don't know.
I don't want to. I wish there was a simple answer and an easy way out. I wish I could magically make this all better and suddenly know exactly what I'm supposed to do. But I don't. I just know that I'm not happy there. That's all I know.
I've been looking for a long time, for a way out...for a different path in life. I've been researching and reading, considering options. Nothing has made me want to make the leap yet. That concerns me.
If there was one thing I truly hated in this capitalistic, western society, it's the fact that I am absolutely a slave, but in a much more coercive manner than having me bound and forcing me to work by threat of violence. Instead, it's threat of dishonor...threat of social ostracizing...and fear. We are a slave to something no matter the time in history or the state of our world or country...but it doesn't make it any less painful.
There is a problem, you know. I have been there three years. I have learned a great deal. I am good at my job, I recognize the vast majority of the thousands of parts and pieces that every aspect of maintenance uses. It would be harmful to the company to lose me, I understand that. I also understand there are people there who would hate to see me go - my two supervisors in particular, as well as some of the other plant supervision, including the head of Maintenance. There are coworkers as well, although I have to admit, I'm less inclined to feel like I'm losing much there. It feels much like high school and college did - I'm much closer to my superiors than I am to my peers. I've always been like that. And Lao Tzu would say a superior man surrounds himself with only people who are superior to him. I've always agreed with that.
I digress, though. I had a moment of absolute fear. I thought to myself, "I can't go back. I can't deal with it." And the truth is, I probably can't. I know what I'm going back to, and I'm most likely going to hate it. It's going to break down what little bit of self esteem and confidence and happiness I've built up in the last half month. But I'll deal with it, for a little while longer. For how long, I don't know.
I don't want to. I wish there was a simple answer and an easy way out. I wish I could magically make this all better and suddenly know exactly what I'm supposed to do. But I don't. I just know that I'm not happy there. That's all I know.
I've been looking for a long time, for a way out...for a different path in life. I've been researching and reading, considering options. Nothing has made me want to make the leap yet. That concerns me.
If there was one thing I truly hated in this capitalistic, western society, it's the fact that I am absolutely a slave, but in a much more coercive manner than having me bound and forcing me to work by threat of violence. Instead, it's threat of dishonor...threat of social ostracizing...and fear. We are a slave to something no matter the time in history or the state of our world or country...but it doesn't make it any less painful.
