(no subject)

I really want to believe, there's a light at the end of this tunnel...

But I can't see it.

And it's entirely possible in this world of possibilities that my life will continue on this god forsaken path until the bitter end...and I'm sure it would be awfully bitter.

But I can't say it wasn't foreshadowed by my youth and everything else...and most recently, it's been the worst it has ever been.

How many more days of this will I stand before I just quit my job and slip into my darkness, who knows.

It's so incredibly hard to want to deal with people in my job...deal with people at all...when this is so fucking continual in my real life interactions...I just can't handle it anymore. I really can't. I'm just waiting to break down completely, waiting to see how far, how much worse, how much further down I can go...how far can I go?

Another

Another post for another day.

Today was pretty rushed at work...some annoying control drama with one of the lady warehousemen (i'm just an apprentice, but don't worry - if I do stay here, eventually I'll be a mechanic and out of the warehouse.)

Still dealing with the same kind of shit, though. Actually today it was, "You need to get a love life. If that means going "a through z" like dumbass over there (referencing how he intends to have sex with a girl from every letter of the alphabet) then that's what you should do." That came from a woman, mind you. I find it really fucking infuriating. Why is that more acceptable than looking for something real?

Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have casual sex?

Is there something wrong with me...for thinking it's possible to develop a relationship without it? Without the bar scene?

I'm scared that she's right...that If I don't do that...I'm doomed to single-dom. I'm /scared/ that the values I /dislike/ in my generation are the only values that can allow me one of my desires that will help me feel more completed in this life...

I reactivated my AIM account from many years ago. Two people are on there...one of which i was very happy to reconnect with. The other, is an old magician friend of mine, who is already throwing riddles at me again. Something tells me this is all happening for very specific reasons...

I also reactivated EQ...yep...back to EverQuest. Because the social atmosphere of that game was more developed than any other I ever experienced. Even MUDs...the MUD atmosphere has really decayed in recent years...but EQ feels the same. I don't know why.

I'm trying to find the self...that I abandoned many years ago...when I started dating these women that were pretty damn destructive towards me. I want to regain something of my self...