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I'm not sure if what happened last night was bad or good. Gabriel got into my face about spending too much time on the computer and not getting out enough after he told me that I was being too negative and all of those negative thoughts were simply in my head, not part of reality. Well it's almost as if I proved him wrong, because the bridesmaids were essentially hanging around me for most of the night. The point is I mingled more than he did. I might even be able to say that I'm more of a conversationalist than he is - but what I don't understand is why he had to be so harsh about what he said to me. Maybe it was because he cared? But he doesn't understand the situation, or where I'm coming from. I lost my entire social circle essentially over the past few years, starting when I was with Cookie. I've made new acquaintences, but no new friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. I am hoping that I can have more nights with the bridesmaids and groomsmen in the future - because I felt like we all really bonded together. But besides that, there's just the Refinery...a world to itself...and life as I've known it. When I finally move out in seven months if all goes as planned, I'll be more available to women anyway...but as it stands, I haven't really met too many guys I mesh with locally. I miss Alaska, very much, for this reason.
I find that I really enjoy the company of women, more than men. I don't know why this is the case - I can't understand it - but I do. And it's a big part of my life that has been missing for so long. Just having female friends.
Shortly after the burst of negativity from gabriel, things really started falling into place strangely. Kellie told me that Abbey liked me, and I was like "noo...." Well then abbey eventually rocked back into my chest and my natural reaction was to put my arms around her. I spent a lot of the night talking to her. I'm not sure if it was a good thing, or a bad thing. I'm not sure why she wouldn't mingle even as much as me. I didn't understand the situation. I didn't know if she wanted me to touch her. I did anyway. Fuck it, I guess. In retrospect, there was nothing I could do about it. I felt like it was the "right" thing to do for her. I actually knew all along that she was taken - and the rest of the party, including the "outsiders" not of the wedding party, thought she was my girlfriend. This is a good thing. Chaelynn is the one I'm actually interested in. When I found out she liked nine inch nails, tool, numerous other bands I liked...and I started to notice similarities in our life perspective...I just knew it. I danced with her earlier that night...I walked her down the isle...she might very well be the one for me. It was such a strange thing, looking into her eyes. I really saw a lot of the pain and suffering I've felt reflected in her, even though she's a beautiful girl. And I know she has an intelligence about her. I want to get deeper into her (no pun intended) but I also know I can't force that to happen. Her boyfriend was a complete idiot all night - acting like I did when I was a teenager with a girlfriend. She was not fucking happy. I was the only guy she gave a hug to when she left, and she said, "I'm sure we'll see eachother again." I'm hoping that was a signal. And I'm hoping she didn't take how I was acting with Abbey the wrong way. I never kissed her, or touched her inappropriately. I really just felt the need to protect her and make her feel good.
Abbey is a nice country girl studying sociology, but I am quite sure she's falling into the party scene no thanks to her boyfriend when she really needs to focus on her studies. She has such a beautiful heart. I could feel it in her. I really think she was afraid of all of the drunken guys around and no one to keep her from getting taken advantage of. And in actuality, she barely drank anything. I had some really strong feelings for her, but I think most of all I felt like I needed to protect her. She's not even 19 yet...she needed to be protected by someone. And I'm glad she let me have the honor. That's what groomsmen is for. All the best man wanted to do is fuck someone - and he ended up passed out at a picnic table from over drinking. He was probably the best looking and wealthiest guy there. I guess sometimes karma does appear to exist, on the odd occasion.
Now what I want to do, is hope and pray that Chaelynn is interested in me and wants to get to know me better. I know this might just be another dead end, or another crushed hope for me...but I have no choice but to keep hoping with every new opportunity that arises.
I find that I really enjoy the company of women, more than men. I don't know why this is the case - I can't understand it - but I do. And it's a big part of my life that has been missing for so long. Just having female friends.
Shortly after the burst of negativity from gabriel, things really started falling into place strangely. Kellie told me that Abbey liked me, and I was like "noo...." Well then abbey eventually rocked back into my chest and my natural reaction was to put my arms around her. I spent a lot of the night talking to her. I'm not sure if it was a good thing, or a bad thing. I'm not sure why she wouldn't mingle even as much as me. I didn't understand the situation. I didn't know if she wanted me to touch her. I did anyway. Fuck it, I guess. In retrospect, there was nothing I could do about it. I felt like it was the "right" thing to do for her. I actually knew all along that she was taken - and the rest of the party, including the "outsiders" not of the wedding party, thought she was my girlfriend. This is a good thing. Chaelynn is the one I'm actually interested in. When I found out she liked nine inch nails, tool, numerous other bands I liked...and I started to notice similarities in our life perspective...I just knew it. I danced with her earlier that night...I walked her down the isle...she might very well be the one for me. It was such a strange thing, looking into her eyes. I really saw a lot of the pain and suffering I've felt reflected in her, even though she's a beautiful girl. And I know she has an intelligence about her. I want to get deeper into her (no pun intended) but I also know I can't force that to happen. Her boyfriend was a complete idiot all night - acting like I did when I was a teenager with a girlfriend. She was not fucking happy. I was the only guy she gave a hug to when she left, and she said, "I'm sure we'll see eachother again." I'm hoping that was a signal. And I'm hoping she didn't take how I was acting with Abbey the wrong way. I never kissed her, or touched her inappropriately. I really just felt the need to protect her and make her feel good.
Abbey is a nice country girl studying sociology, but I am quite sure she's falling into the party scene no thanks to her boyfriend when she really needs to focus on her studies. She has such a beautiful heart. I could feel it in her. I really think she was afraid of all of the drunken guys around and no one to keep her from getting taken advantage of. And in actuality, she barely drank anything. I had some really strong feelings for her, but I think most of all I felt like I needed to protect her. She's not even 19 yet...she needed to be protected by someone. And I'm glad she let me have the honor. That's what groomsmen is for. All the best man wanted to do is fuck someone - and he ended up passed out at a picnic table from over drinking. He was probably the best looking and wealthiest guy there. I guess sometimes karma does appear to exist, on the odd occasion.
Now what I want to do, is hope and pray that Chaelynn is interested in me and wants to get to know me better. I know this might just be another dead end, or another crushed hope for me...but I have no choice but to keep hoping with every new opportunity that arises.
