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An Apology
Jun. 15th, 2011 07:37 pmThe society has produced me. I have not produced myself. I am a product of my environment, and of the people around me, and of their interactions with me. I have, and have had, only so much control or governance over any given situation...past, present or future.
Thus when I recognize the futility of my continued existence, I also recognize simultaneously that this is the result both of my self and the society, but more fully the society and nature, as it gave me my most influential experiences while I was still young and easily guided one way or another...to grow away from negative stimuli and grow towards positive, like a flower.
And while one might argue there is such a thing as free will, there is no such thing as control over ones physical appearance and likely ones personality - which is the first thing that anyone sees when they come in contact with you. You might be able to control particular aspects of it, given lots of time, effort and money, but in the end, it will not truly change it all that remarkably without a great deal of medical intervention. As for the personality, I believe that so much is determined by genetics and parental influence - all aspects which are out of the individuals control...that there is very little hope for someone as disabled as my self.
And so I was guided...I was forced...I was chained and dragged towards all manner of things that involved no one else but my self. I developed the ability to survive and tolerate isolated existence because it is what every single person around me, as I grew up, caused me to do. And while I can strain a smile, or a quaint conversation, and I can expend a great deal of energy to attempt to develop a slight friendship, or acquaintance...it is my belief that I am completely incapable as of today of having any real, actual...social life...or lover...or healthy relationship. I regret ever dragging somebody into the hell that is my life, and I should have never expected they could love me for long, or tolerate the kind of life that I have had to tolerate, and continue to have to tolerate. I have no choice. Returning to college will only make it worse, as professional jobs require even greater social skills than something like maintenance...at least working in a maintenance department, I can master necessary mechanical skills and I don't need to be personable or attractive.
I am crippled, in such an absolute fashion, socially. Truly, I do synchronize with some people...but it is my belief that these people are both of a different generation - often much older than myself - married...their lifestyles match my own. They don't do much besides care for those they love and keep to themselves a majority of the time. They are so few, and are of no real aid. And I have yet to make a real friend since the end of high school - one that I spend time with outside of the workplace or higher education. Those few friends I did have during high school, were not all that great of friends in the first place...and we have only split up and differentiated more over time.
Truly, I am sorry to those that I loved so strongly, and who I think at one time loved me. I know that I have the kind of life, and the kind of demeanor, and the kind of frequency that could never allow for true love. I don't have the status, or the money, or the looks, or the friends to sustain a healthy sexual relationship. Now all I can do is trudge along in this life.
All hope has been shattered against the cruel reality that I have known ever since I was, once again, forced to move to Tidioute, Pennsylvania. When I went to Alaska things didn't really change all that much. I did make some new friends, but they were just as impermanent as the seasons in such a place. They weren't staying there. They were all going back to their lives, their friends, back home...after summer.
There really isn't any hope. I give up.
Thus when I recognize the futility of my continued existence, I also recognize simultaneously that this is the result both of my self and the society, but more fully the society and nature, as it gave me my most influential experiences while I was still young and easily guided one way or another...to grow away from negative stimuli and grow towards positive, like a flower.
And while one might argue there is such a thing as free will, there is no such thing as control over ones physical appearance and likely ones personality - which is the first thing that anyone sees when they come in contact with you. You might be able to control particular aspects of it, given lots of time, effort and money, but in the end, it will not truly change it all that remarkably without a great deal of medical intervention. As for the personality, I believe that so much is determined by genetics and parental influence - all aspects which are out of the individuals control...that there is very little hope for someone as disabled as my self.
And so I was guided...I was forced...I was chained and dragged towards all manner of things that involved no one else but my self. I developed the ability to survive and tolerate isolated existence because it is what every single person around me, as I grew up, caused me to do. And while I can strain a smile, or a quaint conversation, and I can expend a great deal of energy to attempt to develop a slight friendship, or acquaintance...it is my belief that I am completely incapable as of today of having any real, actual...social life...or lover...or healthy relationship. I regret ever dragging somebody into the hell that is my life, and I should have never expected they could love me for long, or tolerate the kind of life that I have had to tolerate, and continue to have to tolerate. I have no choice. Returning to college will only make it worse, as professional jobs require even greater social skills than something like maintenance...at least working in a maintenance department, I can master necessary mechanical skills and I don't need to be personable or attractive.
I am crippled, in such an absolute fashion, socially. Truly, I do synchronize with some people...but it is my belief that these people are both of a different generation - often much older than myself - married...their lifestyles match my own. They don't do much besides care for those they love and keep to themselves a majority of the time. They are so few, and are of no real aid. And I have yet to make a real friend since the end of high school - one that I spend time with outside of the workplace or higher education. Those few friends I did have during high school, were not all that great of friends in the first place...and we have only split up and differentiated more over time.
Truly, I am sorry to those that I loved so strongly, and who I think at one time loved me. I know that I have the kind of life, and the kind of demeanor, and the kind of frequency that could never allow for true love. I don't have the status, or the money, or the looks, or the friends to sustain a healthy sexual relationship. Now all I can do is trudge along in this life.
All hope has been shattered against the cruel reality that I have known ever since I was, once again, forced to move to Tidioute, Pennsylvania. When I went to Alaska things didn't really change all that much. I did make some new friends, but they were just as impermanent as the seasons in such a place. They weren't staying there. They were all going back to their lives, their friends, back home...after summer.
There really isn't any hope. I give up.
