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The Conflict
Apr. 20th, 2011 05:37 pmI recognize that I've never been the popular guy, and that has a lot to do with a lot of things in my life. For instance, it has a lot to do with the fact I am not attractive to women. Popular guys are probably...almost certainly...happier...and when you are happier...you are more attractive.
You can't fake it. I really don't believe that you can. Okay, maybe I could give it a shot for awhile. But I really have to wonder about the validity of it.
Kayla told me last night I'm no longer her type because she's only into guys who have tattoos and piercings. Okay. So you're attracted to guys who are into the whole fucking superficial bullshit I grew out of. That's cool. Hey, I make industrial music and bust my fucking ass in a giant industrial complex...hmm, who's more industrial, me or the kid who plasters his body with generally meaningless art? There's a TooL song by the name of Aenema that comes to mind here. Fuck your tattoos. Seriously.
But hey, it's not as if I actually believe her when it comes to all of that. Here's what I really think, where my mind is right now.
1: I am not particularly good looking.
2: I am not particularly satisfied or happy with my life.
3: I am not particularly fun to be around, nor do I have a wide circle of friends.
4: I'm an introspective musician, that might be -one- whole positive but ultimately only a few rare specimens are going to find that attractive.
5: I probably have some really fucked up genetic code.
But you know what, so does she...and so did my exes. They all have their fucking flaws. The thing I can't wrap my head around...seriously...is why does it seem like nearly EVERY girl I come across has no interest in me? Could my genes be that absolutely, mind blowingly repulsive? Is it just my age - because honestly I can have some really good conversations with a 39 year old woman, and to be honest, am more attracted to her than I have been to anyone else in recent fucking history....is it that the women my age are so fucking immature that I literally CANNOT attract them, because they think I'm an old man?
Well fuck man, do I really have to wait until I'm in my 30s to find love? Is that some fucked up kind of punishment or what? It wouldn't be so BAD if I could -actually- have flings to pass the fucking time, or short term relationships...for fucks sake.
I hardly ever whine anymore, but she really set me off last night when she said that to me. I suppose I should've just avoided even trying to get friendly with her again. I suppose I can thank her mother for this...in a really roundabout fashion.
You can't fake it. I really don't believe that you can. Okay, maybe I could give it a shot for awhile. But I really have to wonder about the validity of it.
Kayla told me last night I'm no longer her type because she's only into guys who have tattoos and piercings. Okay. So you're attracted to guys who are into the whole fucking superficial bullshit I grew out of. That's cool. Hey, I make industrial music and bust my fucking ass in a giant industrial complex...hmm, who's more industrial, me or the kid who plasters his body with generally meaningless art? There's a TooL song by the name of Aenema that comes to mind here. Fuck your tattoos. Seriously.
But hey, it's not as if I actually believe her when it comes to all of that. Here's what I really think, where my mind is right now.
1: I am not particularly good looking.
2: I am not particularly satisfied or happy with my life.
3: I am not particularly fun to be around, nor do I have a wide circle of friends.
4: I'm an introspective musician, that might be -one- whole positive but ultimately only a few rare specimens are going to find that attractive.
5: I probably have some really fucked up genetic code.
But you know what, so does she...and so did my exes. They all have their fucking flaws. The thing I can't wrap my head around...seriously...is why does it seem like nearly EVERY girl I come across has no interest in me? Could my genes be that absolutely, mind blowingly repulsive? Is it just my age - because honestly I can have some really good conversations with a 39 year old woman, and to be honest, am more attracted to her than I have been to anyone else in recent fucking history....is it that the women my age are so fucking immature that I literally CANNOT attract them, because they think I'm an old man?
Well fuck man, do I really have to wait until I'm in my 30s to find love? Is that some fucked up kind of punishment or what? It wouldn't be so BAD if I could -actually- have flings to pass the fucking time, or short term relationships...for fucks sake.
I hardly ever whine anymore, but she really set me off last night when she said that to me. I suppose I should've just avoided even trying to get friendly with her again. I suppose I can thank her mother for this...in a really roundabout fashion.
