Ringfinger

I haven't wore rings in years. I haven't wore any semblance of the goth subculture in years. I dress in south pole, and plain clothing that doesn't have any advertisements splattered on it. Why? Because I'd rather fade into nonexistence, than stand out. Because I'd rather be treated as fairly and equitably as possible, even though ultimately that can never happen - there is, indeed, something about me that the people of this world pick up on, and it turns them against me, one by one.

I still have all of my gear - it sits in a knit basket in my room, always a reminder of who I am and how I feel. It never goes on. I still wear my black leather trench coat in the winters - but more as a statement of the station I should have in this world, that of a middle class, hard working, intelligent and well-to-do man.

I have been stripped...screwed out of...every possible "chance" of making this better. I am fed up with the value we place on organizations we join, such as Phi Kappa Theta. If I had, I would have my future college almost entirely covered. But for whatever reason, I never did. Maybe it is better that I didn't. Maybe this proves to me that association is more important than personal merit. After all, if I needed to be on dean's list for three semesters in a row to join PHT, it should be assumed that I deserve college aid as much as someone who was on dean's list three semesters in a row, and actually joined. But apparently, that goes against the logic of this world...a world of associations, and networking...not a world of perceiving the merits of individuals as they are.

I am confident that I will achieve every goal I have ever dreamed of in this life, even if it takes me until the very moments of my death, or even takes until long after. I listen to the beginnings of Trent Reznor, and recognize that my new song could've actually -fit- on Pretty Hate Machine, as though it were mastered and produced by the same people, written by the man himself. It is almost frightening to recognize the similarity. But it can not be denied - I grew up only a score of miles from where he did, almost certainly with the same kinds of repetitive landscapes around. Coming from a "wealthy" by local standards upbringing. Being from a family that actually owns a decent amount of land. The only difference is I wasn't classically trained. But that will be rectified, all in due time. If I had to classically train myself, I will. And I'll start with Nobuo Uematsu, who produces some of the most EMOTIONAL music that was ever echoed on this planet. The success of Final Fantasy, I believe, is solely his doing - without his music behind it, that game would've been as meaningless as the hundreds of RPGs to come before, during, and after its reign.

I recall in my psychology textbook, a small footnote - a study that came to the conclusion that Philosophy was one of very -few- disciplines that actually improve as an individual ages into elderly status...and that success in Philosophy comes almost exclusively as an old man...never as a young one. And I accept this fate as well. I do not desire any kind of quick route to success, and I never have. I desire to be satisfied, at the end of my life, with my accomplishments. If I wanted to become successful, quickly, I would study those who have done so, and emulate them. But that is not my desire. I will leave that to the Justin Beibers of the world.

More and more, I find myself becoming content with the path before me. I see utopia, I see lasting happiness.

I only regret not seeing them sooner.