First Dream of 2010

The first dream of 2010 goes a little something like this.

There were lots of people I never met...we were all in this house. Some parts of it were like my house, other parts of it were completely foreign.

I don't really remember if there was any kind of goal, or meaning, to the entire experience. However, we were all there for a reason (had to be), that much I can be sure of.

I think there were just as many guys as there were gals. Roughly.

Well, eventually, some kind of game was being played. This is after I find out some are couples, some aren't. It began with this one woman lighting all of these candles up a massive staircase - some of the candles I recognized as objects -I- owned in reality...but they were candles now, for whatever reason, and quickly being made alight.

I really don't know what the object of the game was. I just know I wanted -her-. The woman that lit the candles. She wasn't a facilitator of the game or anything like that...she was as much a part of it as my self.

I know conversation was going on, but I don't remember it, unfortunately. Of course, the people were all -me-, depending on what view of dreaming you may take, and so one has to wonder how valuable memory of the conversation would be anyway.

But I do remember this. Around when the dream ended, everyone was asleep...or at least, laying down for the night. She was wrapped in this blanket that left just enough to the imagination, it was staggeringly attractive. So I started going over to her, the only thing in my mind being that I wanted to snuggle up with her and never let go.

End of dream.

Ah, but there's more that just came to me as I ended this entry. -interesting-

The precept was a little something like everyone I knew from -here- as in, this area I persist in currently in reality, had slept with my ex fiancee. There was someone specific, I think, that hurt the most...but for some reason this doesn't feel like an integral part of the dream. I confronted him eventually, "Of course I fucked her - everyone has." Simple answer, although going back to the nature of dreaming this is the logical answer - you are all me.

Well, so what? She has just as much a right to sleep with others as I do, and this is something that up until now maybe I hadn't been able to internalize fully. Cursing her with some kind of screwed up life from the point at which she departed as an active part of mine until the end of it seems rather harsh, and I wouldn't want the same thing done to me...although I can imagine she still curses me, for whatever reasons she had...just maybe not as often as she once did. I suppose it would depend largely on if she has evolved as a human being, or if she merely has been performing the motions. I could make my assumptions, but carrying on seems like a better idea instead.

The truth is I'm not sure if this confrontation came before, or after, the other aspect of the dream. I'm not sure if they were connected at all, or two completely different ones. But I smashed his (Rick's) face in. This is the first time I ever punched someone in a dream and did damage. Normally in dreams, any kind of violence is associated with a sort of feeling that my fists are traveling through water. Not this time. It felt slightly watery, and on impact I presumed no damage was done as per the usual state of the dream world...but to my amazement it carried a lot of forward momentum, and it wasn't the last one I threw, although this dream was fading at that point.

Why did I punch him? You know, I'm not really sure...I want to say it's because he said everyone had fucked her, and had nothing at all to do with the fact that -he- did. I wanted, I think, to defend her. And I also think that I wanted to protect her from him...or to make him pay for having done such a thing but with no desire for anything further with her.

Thinking about it, it really bothers me to think anyone would say it, or brag about it, or do it at all in the first place. To fuck someone, literally, with no reason, no meaning, no attachment, unless the other person wanted that as well. But you see, I remember her. And I know better.

Cut away all of the shit, all of the things she said I knew that held no weight...and she probably said them to justify what she did, because she had to justify it...after all, there wasn't enough to go on otherwise...and at her heart she is still that little girl that rode the bus with me, and sometimes even cuddled up next to me in the seat.

I miss that girl. I don't miss the bartender.

But I think that's the closure. I really do hope the best for her. And on the same token, I hope for the best for me.