I uhm...Wow.

I don't believe writing is cathartic anymore. Writing in a journal is for something else. It's for going back, years later, and reading it.

Wow.

I am really, honestly amazed. There were all of these things that happened...things that I had forgotten...pieces of me left to the dust that i destroyed for whatever reasons, because there were negative things that happened later.

Example:
I was sitting down, dealing with this horrible fucking headache i had from sam and veronica...and Cass walks over to the table I was at.

I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

"Now you're someone I haven't seen in a very long time."

No, fucking, way, you think?

I didn't say anything, but that's what I was thinking.

"Why are you so damn quiet? You should be hugging me or something!"

So I did...and I almost friggin cried. Gods...I swear that was insane...

When I hugged her I felt like I had a piece of my heart back that I hadn't had in a very long time.

She then walked away, and I was looking for her because I really didn't want that to be the end of the meeting, and so I could get closure...

When she finally came up behind me a grabbed me and drug me to the smoking room so we could talk, I told her a lot of stuff...How she scared the hell out of me, How I thought she hated me...everything...

But when I told her I wanted some closure she said I wouldn't get it because she refused to stop seeing me.

I then asked why she never tried to get ahold of me or anything...and she said she didn't know my phone number.

She could've asked her brother...damnit...and this is where the problem arises.
Should I trust what she said, or not?

I wrote down my phone number and gave it too her, and told her to call me. She promised me she would about four times...but I still don't know...

I mean, shit, she even introduced me to some of the people she lives with (they were up there too, pretty cool people)

So what should I believe?

"Jake, I'd marry you if you were old enough."

"I'll be that age someday."

"I know."


I REMEMBER THIS NOW. I remember!

You know, the last time I was there, at that house, I had the distinct feeling she had some undying respect and love for me. It was the way she talked to me, even though I was stoned as hell, because of the way i respected her back.

"Wow, most people can't even look me in the eyes when they talk after they get stoned with Mark."

"You know I'm not most people, now don't you Cass?"

I realize now that I WAS POPULAR when I WAS SOCIAL. I /instantly/ attracted people, or I would force them to be by making conversation. There never was a gods damned thing wrong with me. There still isn't. I am just fine, and I'm going to be just fine. Bars are NOT for me. But when I can get back into an atmosphere with loud music - and actual dance floors - I will be happy again, I know I will.

Absolution.

I have finally found peace, I think. Cross your fingers that it is lasting.

Reading through all...and I mean all...of my journal entries, has put so much fucking shit in my life in perspective.

I don't really care where I'm going yet. I'm not going to worry about it just yet. There are more immediate goals that need satisfied first.

If any of you still read this, remember, I still love you all very much and I have appreciated your comments, advice and help over the years. It has kept me alive, even if you don't believe it. I wouldn't be here without you.

I hope that I can finally grow up and move on with my life now.