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I have a problem.
You see...I think I can love everyone but him. No...I know I can love him but there's something significantly odd when I start comparing and contrasting. Maybe I simply shouldn't do that. I'll put it in here because it's part of the process, but it bothers me that I feel so strongly about what happened. I know I have to overcome it to continue the process, but I don't know how long it will take for me to work through it and realize the truth.
Back when I was with her, there were times I sacrificed time with her, not necessarily for time with him, but to grant him whatever it is that he wanted, selflessly - there was one specific instance where he needed a ride because he was drunk in Tidioute, Josh supposedly abandoned him...doubtful...and he needed a place to stay because he didn't want to stay at his mother's. Now.
I did what I did out of love. At this point, I wasn't seeing much of her. But I sacrificed some of that time with her to go and get him, and bring him back here. And then he was trying to gain attention like he usually is. That's Matt. Whenever he is alone, he wants attention. When he's with other people, you don't see him calling very often. When Jenn gets a ride all the way down there, he gets me to go down there under the guise of companionship or friendship or something when in truth it's highly likely that he simply needs a ride for her or she simply needs a ride and they know that I am so-called "starved for attention." Not so much anymore. Getting to the point.
While I would do these things regardless of my own ego's wants and desires - I'd put them aside. I don't think I had sex with her that night. That didn't really matter to me. I remember her getting angry about it...saying, "why did you even have me come up here if he was going to be here." Well, because I love and care about both of you, but I can't make you understand that. I love and care about both of you in different ways...the source of the love is the same but obviously I love you differently - you completed me in a way he never could, you were going to bear my children, you were going to marry me. He was just a friend.
But that situation is not really the point I am getting at at all. On Halloween, I went to Titusville and got very intoxicated at one of the bar's there with them. The whole time I am being made to feel guilty for who I am - yes, Matt, I am quiet. No, Matt, I'm not an extrovert who's starving for attention and trying to grasp for it like it's a carrot on a stick, because that is exactly what it is. The funny part of it all is that as soon as I stepped away from them and away from Josh, people started talking to ME. I didn't have to be active. People said things to me, people started conversation with me, not unlike they did when I was in the mall today looking at the barren nature of it thanks to the megacorporation WalMart as I wasted time hoping for JBC's office to open back up. I figure if it had been more of a peak time, I probably would have been synchronously involved in more conversation than I was. But it was the walk back to his place after the night was over that has me concerned. And maybe the situation of JBC's office being closed had more to do with me needing to go somewhere and walk around and see people and meet people at random. It was good for me. Anyway.
We almost got into a fight on the way home. When I realized this is one of the guys who had literally reached out and talked to me earlier that night, I wanted nothing to do with it. I was very intoxicated in a town I am hardly familiar with, although I doubt it would have been any different in Warren. I got a little misdirected and lost moving away from that toxic situation, and I suppose I wasn't concerned with where I was anyway. But after awhile I got sick of walking, so I called his cell. Later that night, when I got back to his place, after I had cried my eyes out over how guilty I felt about various things, about how I was wondering if the breakup was my fault, about how I felt like I was being condemned for who I was (i.e. punished intentionally), which she has made perfectly clear to me - although she is wrong, even if she doesn't know it, and it is not that it is her fault, it is simply how she has been programmed to move away from pain and guilt, and I love her regardless of any of that. The point is, he said to me, "You have no idea how you've ruined my night." And not long after that, instead of being friends and spending time with me, the guy who was going to take his girlfriend home because he refuses to obtain a vehicle and a license for himself and relies on everyone else to serve him what he wants, he says, "Don't take this the wrong way but, can you leave?"
When did I ever do that to him? When did I ever say, "Hey, I want to fuck my girlfriend for no purpose whatsoever other than the physical sensations and chemical state it induces even though on the grand scale it means nothing because she is on birth control, PLEASE LEAVE."
Never. I never did that.
And just to point out here, I am not saying sex is bad. I'm saying the way we're programmed to view it isn't in accordance with the spirit. I'm saying that sex is supposed to be something more sacred than it is. It's the union of male and female. And I recall always feeling that having sex the way I did with her was wrong, and in a way I felt guilty about it...I know now I don't have to feel guilty. But I will never allow myself to engage in it that way ever again.
I think back, and there was hardly a time that I put my own desires before someone elses. The problem was always that people thought I was putting someone elses desires before theirs - like I was weighing who was worth more - and I have never weighed an individual against anything, and if I have, I will feel no guilt for it because it is not my fault. This is the way we are programmed to be. This is what our experiences in life have turned us into. We point our fingers instead of pointing to ourselves and fixing ourselves first. We blame others for our mental states when we are the only ones in control of them. Just like how people might have believed that I was weighing them - I don't blame them for that. I don't blame you for that, Love. I don't. I won't blame you anymore. And I won't blame myself. There was no reason to blame anyone or anything to begin with. I was angry because you slept around on me, but that's not your fault. You rationalized it and made it okay in your own mind. Hopefully someday you will overcome that...I know that it is unlikely I will ever be able to teach you the way to do that, so I have to hope that you will come to it by syncronicity on your own.
But you see, I have been time and time again damaged by others, and when I repair from that, I become a more whole person. When I realize the reasoning behind the experience, I become better than I was. More loving. More caring. More understanding.
I would point you all to what has helped me come to these revelations, but I don't believe it is necessary. When I can comprehend this all better myself, I'll be able to teach. By pointing you in the direction I may bring ridicule upon myself or the one who evoked these revelations, and that would be detrimental to the process. Or maybe it wouldn't. I'll have to think about it, long and hard, as I am about everything.
Peace and Love. Things will get better.
You see...I think I can love everyone but him. No...I know I can love him but there's something significantly odd when I start comparing and contrasting. Maybe I simply shouldn't do that. I'll put it in here because it's part of the process, but it bothers me that I feel so strongly about what happened. I know I have to overcome it to continue the process, but I don't know how long it will take for me to work through it and realize the truth.
Back when I was with her, there were times I sacrificed time with her, not necessarily for time with him, but to grant him whatever it is that he wanted, selflessly - there was one specific instance where he needed a ride because he was drunk in Tidioute, Josh supposedly abandoned him...doubtful...and he needed a place to stay because he didn't want to stay at his mother's. Now.
I did what I did out of love. At this point, I wasn't seeing much of her. But I sacrificed some of that time with her to go and get him, and bring him back here. And then he was trying to gain attention like he usually is. That's Matt. Whenever he is alone, he wants attention. When he's with other people, you don't see him calling very often. When Jenn gets a ride all the way down there, he gets me to go down there under the guise of companionship or friendship or something when in truth it's highly likely that he simply needs a ride for her or she simply needs a ride and they know that I am so-called "starved for attention." Not so much anymore. Getting to the point.
While I would do these things regardless of my own ego's wants and desires - I'd put them aside. I don't think I had sex with her that night. That didn't really matter to me. I remember her getting angry about it...saying, "why did you even have me come up here if he was going to be here." Well, because I love and care about both of you, but I can't make you understand that. I love and care about both of you in different ways...the source of the love is the same but obviously I love you differently - you completed me in a way he never could, you were going to bear my children, you were going to marry me. He was just a friend.
But that situation is not really the point I am getting at at all. On Halloween, I went to Titusville and got very intoxicated at one of the bar's there with them. The whole time I am being made to feel guilty for who I am - yes, Matt, I am quiet. No, Matt, I'm not an extrovert who's starving for attention and trying to grasp for it like it's a carrot on a stick, because that is exactly what it is. The funny part of it all is that as soon as I stepped away from them and away from Josh, people started talking to ME. I didn't have to be active. People said things to me, people started conversation with me, not unlike they did when I was in the mall today looking at the barren nature of it thanks to the megacorporation WalMart as I wasted time hoping for JBC's office to open back up. I figure if it had been more of a peak time, I probably would have been synchronously involved in more conversation than I was. But it was the walk back to his place after the night was over that has me concerned. And maybe the situation of JBC's office being closed had more to do with me needing to go somewhere and walk around and see people and meet people at random. It was good for me. Anyway.
We almost got into a fight on the way home. When I realized this is one of the guys who had literally reached out and talked to me earlier that night, I wanted nothing to do with it. I was very intoxicated in a town I am hardly familiar with, although I doubt it would have been any different in Warren. I got a little misdirected and lost moving away from that toxic situation, and I suppose I wasn't concerned with where I was anyway. But after awhile I got sick of walking, so I called his cell. Later that night, when I got back to his place, after I had cried my eyes out over how guilty I felt about various things, about how I was wondering if the breakup was my fault, about how I felt like I was being condemned for who I was (i.e. punished intentionally), which she has made perfectly clear to me - although she is wrong, even if she doesn't know it, and it is not that it is her fault, it is simply how she has been programmed to move away from pain and guilt, and I love her regardless of any of that. The point is, he said to me, "You have no idea how you've ruined my night." And not long after that, instead of being friends and spending time with me, the guy who was going to take his girlfriend home because he refuses to obtain a vehicle and a license for himself and relies on everyone else to serve him what he wants, he says, "Don't take this the wrong way but, can you leave?"
When did I ever do that to him? When did I ever say, "Hey, I want to fuck my girlfriend for no purpose whatsoever other than the physical sensations and chemical state it induces even though on the grand scale it means nothing because she is on birth control, PLEASE LEAVE."
Never. I never did that.
And just to point out here, I am not saying sex is bad. I'm saying the way we're programmed to view it isn't in accordance with the spirit. I'm saying that sex is supposed to be something more sacred than it is. It's the union of male and female. And I recall always feeling that having sex the way I did with her was wrong, and in a way I felt guilty about it...I know now I don't have to feel guilty. But I will never allow myself to engage in it that way ever again.
I think back, and there was hardly a time that I put my own desires before someone elses. The problem was always that people thought I was putting someone elses desires before theirs - like I was weighing who was worth more - and I have never weighed an individual against anything, and if I have, I will feel no guilt for it because it is not my fault. This is the way we are programmed to be. This is what our experiences in life have turned us into. We point our fingers instead of pointing to ourselves and fixing ourselves first. We blame others for our mental states when we are the only ones in control of them. Just like how people might have believed that I was weighing them - I don't blame them for that. I don't blame you for that, Love. I don't. I won't blame you anymore. And I won't blame myself. There was no reason to blame anyone or anything to begin with. I was angry because you slept around on me, but that's not your fault. You rationalized it and made it okay in your own mind. Hopefully someday you will overcome that...I know that it is unlikely I will ever be able to teach you the way to do that, so I have to hope that you will come to it by syncronicity on your own.
But you see, I have been time and time again damaged by others, and when I repair from that, I become a more whole person. When I realize the reasoning behind the experience, I become better than I was. More loving. More caring. More understanding.
I would point you all to what has helped me come to these revelations, but I don't believe it is necessary. When I can comprehend this all better myself, I'll be able to teach. By pointing you in the direction I may bring ridicule upon myself or the one who evoked these revelations, and that would be detrimental to the process. Or maybe it wouldn't. I'll have to think about it, long and hard, as I am about everything.
Peace and Love. Things will get better.
