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Jan. 19th, 2004 03:10 pmConstantly the thoughts rumble on about how it seems the world would disconnect itself from me, rather than myself disconnect from it.
I'm always thinking, "Do these people really want to hear from me?"
Whenever I make a move to do something that would make other's realize that I still exist beyond a memory of the last time we have seen eachother or talked.
Many times I will stop and not do anything. I guess I feel as though I am not worthy, and maybe I am not. Most of my friends betray me occasionally - It's okay, because I'm probably not worthy of having real friends. Haven't been able to love again, but maybe it's because in my messed up head, deep down in the subconscious, I feel that no one is worthy of my love again because a: I do not want to hurt or b: they do not surpass the /only/ person I have really loved in that special way. I can't shake it, at least I wasn't able to with the past three girls in my life. I think kayla was probably the only girl I was beginning to feel like I might be able to love, but then a lot of things happened and I wasn't sure of what was going to happen there.
I'm not sad, no. I'm not depressed, angry or happy either. I'm nothing, and I'm not sure how to deal with that.
I just wish that I didn't have to feel so insecure all of the time. Always thinking that people don't give a frag about you and causing lots of tension because of it, never able to have real conversation anymore.
I'm always thinking, "Do these people really want to hear from me?"
Whenever I make a move to do something that would make other's realize that I still exist beyond a memory of the last time we have seen eachother or talked.
Many times I will stop and not do anything. I guess I feel as though I am not worthy, and maybe I am not. Most of my friends betray me occasionally - It's okay, because I'm probably not worthy of having real friends. Haven't been able to love again, but maybe it's because in my messed up head, deep down in the subconscious, I feel that no one is worthy of my love again because a: I do not want to hurt or b: they do not surpass the /only/ person I have really loved in that special way. I can't shake it, at least I wasn't able to with the past three girls in my life. I think kayla was probably the only girl I was beginning to feel like I might be able to love, but then a lot of things happened and I wasn't sure of what was going to happen there.
I'm not sad, no. I'm not depressed, angry or happy either. I'm nothing, and I'm not sure how to deal with that.
I just wish that I didn't have to feel so insecure all of the time. Always thinking that people don't give a frag about you and causing lots of tension because of it, never able to have real conversation anymore.
