(no subject)

I've only seen a few episodes of Blue Gender, but the last two make me think it's like the most compelling anime i've ever watched.

It just seems such an awesome storyline, but i think the storyline can be viewed abstractly and make you think a lot about existence.

There's something it made me think about in fact, I wanna state.

I honestly believe that emotion is the reason we cannot ever have an eternal utopia.

When I say I want people to do whatever they want as long as they don't harm anyone else, I mean it. But it's not possible. Even in a world such as that, as soon as some human has a complex, as soon as some human feels a negative emotion and reacts accordingly, someone may at one point be endangered. And to prevent that person from losing their right to life and doing as they please, we have to exterminate the person who was different.

That existence only sooner or later leads to a form of government, and control.

No matter what you do, even if a utopia begins, it will end, and the cycle will continue.

That's the way i see it currently, anyway.

(no subject)

I write, and I erase. Constantly. Over and over again. I can't take it anymore.

I start writing, I might even finish a long post and put it up. But then I decide it's not worth it. No one cares about what I think. If I'm going to write, I should just write it in a personal journal. This isn't the place for me to be writing anymore.

These past few days have been really hard on me. I keep saying I want to fade away.

I'm scared of something now too, though maybe not so scared and more intrigued.

You see, I was laying on my floor tonight in my room, all alone in my house, in the darkness. Speaking my mind about everything aloud. About how I don't think there's anything here for me. About how empty I feel inside.

Everyone that reads this, at least so I think, cares about me in some way, be it miniscule or large (I feel it's probably the former). Sure, big deal. He's a kid we never met, what's so important about it.

This net thing...it just wasn't worth it. I feel so empty with people on here that understand me and no one in real life that does. And I mean no one. Everyone who did has left me to die. Of course, there's always the question if they ever understood me at all, because if they did, I think they wouldn't have left me the way they did.

I care about and love all of you, but I just hate this feeling. Surrounded by nothing, with just a fucking piece of technology keeping me sane. This fucking technology is what helped me survive, and helped make me what I am. But if i would've never gotten this fucking technology, I might not have ever thought about the things I have, never gotten this void inside of myself. I can't change it, so why dwell...but I dwell anyway. It makes me cry.

I was laying on that floor in my room, and suddenly I laugh at myself. I say, "Magick, what idiocy. All it is, is another way to affect physical reality. Even in subtle ways. I've been trying so hard to learn how to affect my physical reality, because I'm frustrated with it. Magick is just a tool. It's just a fucking tool." The only reason is because I've been a frustrated little boy my whole life. Someone who isn't frustrated like this doesn't ever look to the occult for answers. But I'm not that someone. I'm weak, I'm frail, and I'm broken.

On that floor in my room, I begin to distance from reality. The thoughts I have connect and lead me to another place. A fantasy place, a place where I'm someone else, where things are different, where there's a specific purpose. It's always been like this, these places. It's like dreams that aren't dreams. It's like seeing everything vividly in the fantasy realm but seeing the darkness around you still. I think my eyes unfocus, but I don't know. Who really knows anything. These fantasy realms sometimes make me think about what the experience really is. When you meditate to higher levels of consciousness, they say you no longer even know you have a body. It's like that in these fantasy realms, I don't really know I have this body anymore. I am in that place, I am not here. It's like astral projection, you're somewhere else totally different, you're no longer here. It's so hard to explain with language. I hate it. These places aren't formed with language. That's why I hate it when books tell you stuff like, "Language is what makes up your thoughts." It's not like that. When I leave this place and go to the fantasy world, there is no need for language. There just is. It just is. It's there, it's not here, I'm me, but not me as I know it right now.

The scariest part is, as I walked downstairs after snapping out of the experience, I think to myself, "Can I escape permanently to that place? Can I leave here forever, and never have to return, never have to face these problems again, be me, but not this me?"

I want to. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be there.