Decisions, decisions
Nov. 16th, 2009 10:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorI'm having some major difficulty determining what I really want to study when I go back to college. I really don't want to run my life around this idea of being useful to someone -else- but at the same time I realize that it is obviously necessary to some degree. Chomsky studied linguistics, which, as far as I know, would be of use to what...a linguistics professor or an english teacher, maybe? He wasn't even a language major, for the record. So what does that tell me? It's something he wanted to study. Granted he came from a pretty well-off Jewish family. Does it mean that because I'm from the working class that I should be more careful about my choices? Or that I should be forced into servitude (we are all slaves except for business owners, and even they are to a degree...it's only the blue blood that can say no to whatever they wish.)
Philosophy -is- a joke. Admitted. It's great in some respects, but it is not applicable in -any fashion whatsoever- and unless you can write it and sell it, you are left with only the option of getting a PhD or teaching high school liberal arts courses that will likely have little to do with it. I love reading it - that doesn't mean I want to write thirty page papers on insignificant aspects of a specific author's works. He or she themselves may not have wanted that to be done...and hey, lets not forget. Every single job that requires a degree in Philosophy in the United States is receiving 500+ applications this year. Yeah. You heard me right. That's a factual statistic.
I mentioned working for my father's company today and someone who will remain nameless said, "GET OUT NOW" and, in a way, I take that as a positive thing. That tells me he thinks I'm better than that, and that means I damn well should be going back to college to do something. The reality is, I will be starting over likely regardless of my major, even if it is in the liberal arts or humanities. At least that means I'll have two years to fiddle around and think about it while meeting new people and being introduced to (hopefully) new ideas. I think because of my current circumstances, I can't really make a concrete decision. This is unfortunate, but I really do need to breathe in a different world before I start dedicating myself to anything...and I don't believe this is negative. If I'm wrong, shoot me I guess. But I really don't care.
I might be taking the SATs again as well. Brushing up on my math has reminded me this may be an option...I know I'm well above what any college desires for an entry level liberal arts student, so if I can master SAT math, I might be able to get close to a perfect score. Even though I'm 22, that would mean some really nice financial aid. And since it'll be exactly 5 years since I took them, I -should- be able to choose either one, if by some cruel twist of fate I score lower than I did before (which, I have to admit, is really unlikely - I did well, but I can do much better now. If I go back and read my journal entries from that period of my life, they are not anywhere near as coherent as these are today. And I was smoking marijuana.)
Yeah, that'se right. I quit for good. Kayla probably wouldn't like to hear that, but after all she needs to get away from it as well. While nobody I know can tell the difference when I am high, and when I'm not - this is also a fact - I can. I can certainly tell the difference. I can tell the difference in the coherency of my thought, and in my capacity to focus. The longer I go without it, the stronger I feel mentally and the more confident. I always thought of it as weight training for the brain, if it's used correctly. Most drugs are. But if you keep using, ultimately you're just going to end up wanting your dopamine kicks in ways other than reality can typically provide for, and that's not conducive to me finding a mate, getting a life, or having any real success. I would like to see it legalized still, but that is for alternative reasons. It's not healthy for people to -have- to buy 1/8th of an oz. at least any given time they want to use it. I want to be able to go to a corner store and buy a joint or two on the weekend if I so desire. I don't want to have an 1/8th of an oz. that results in me becoming an addict. I do imagine this is the case with most people who smoke it, whether or not they want to admit to addiction. Buying joints from dealers isn't cost effective, if you can even come across them, and most "friends" who smoke it - well, they don't want to sell off joints.
Ah yes, the friend issue. I had a couple dreams the past few days that really solidifed what's been going on for awhile now. You know, I let Val and Cookie in the driver's seat of my life for five years. I think maybe they enjoyed turning me into their slave, but I see those relationships for what they were now. I was willing to sacrifice my desires in life for theirs, I was willing to follow them wherever they wanted to go. But this is a pattern that has repeated itself for too long, and not just with them - with Matt as well. It's time I told Matt to go fuck himself, something I should've done a long time ago. I may not use such harsh words, but the relationship is drawing to its end. I don't want to associate with his kind any more, I don't want to associate with his hypocritical sister or her pussy-whipped husband, either. Jenn keeps calling me, for God knows what reason anymore - Matt is using her for rides to work and nothing more, and has already stated the relationship is over essentially to everyone but her. Cass and Mark have demonized her, even though I highly doubt they have ever had a real talk with her. She is the victim here - she was a victim of Matt cheating on her many times and she's a victim of Matt's ludicrous anger. Indeed, she is stupid enough to continue associating with him, but that's likely a result of her demoralized self-esteem, and I see myself in her for that reason. I used to be like that too. I put up with emotional abuse from Cookie for months because I didn't want to lose her. Finally, I stood my ground, but my twisted mind somehow regretted that for a very long time. I suppose it's because I couldn't see my own value - it never helped that most people don't like me, but hey - you know what? I'm smarter than most people, I'm from a middle class family in a poverty stricken region, and in general, maybe I seem a little snobby. But back in College, I was a center of attention and I never received anything but nice conversations and lots of smiles from everyone around me, including my professors. Probably because these people are a lot more like me than any of the individuals I have worked with, or went to highschool with, or met through various circumstances locally (as there is no college locally, therefore, they are all highschool graduates or dropouts in the working class.)
I'm actually finding happiness again, which is strange. And for some strange reason, I feel it's because I'm ready to send Matt out of my life. When we're out at the bars, people think we are brothers. This is simply unacceptable. He is nothing like me, I am nothing like him. I have chosen to educate myself with authors he refuses to touch, I desire something so much more than fuckbuddies, and I would cherish the opportunity to have a child with a decent woman who doesn't cheat on me. He's an asshole, and as has been proven before, when I am out by myself, the response I receive from people is entirely different. You are always judged by your posse, and this is something I've forgotten.
In other news, I'm under the impression we are watching the fall of the American Empire. I'll probably be stocking up on .223 rounds, and I'm going to try to get my hands on a semi-automatic .223 tactical rifle through various friends of my father. I already have a bolt-action .223, which has been my hunting rifle for years. I didn't realize .223s could penetrate up to Grade III body armor.
If the empire falls, shells will be worth a great deal. It's a worthwhile investment.
Why, do you ask, am I getting paranoid? Well, a neighbor predicted the ammunition shortage last year, long before it began. I also know a marine personally who processed anarchist protestors at the summit in pittsburgh a month or two ago. They were all expelled from colleges if they were involved.
Here's the catch: They were setup to process a large number of people before the summit even began. Maybe these anarchists are stupid, but something tells me they wouldn't openly talk about starting a riot in pittsburgh and give the armed forces foreknowledge of what they were planning to do. The US is printing more money right now than at any other time in recent history, likely to pay off China. This is going to cause incredible inflation, and don't expect the minimum wage to go up relative to it. C-SPAN callers are unanimously pissed off. I haven't heard a single call since I started watching it religiously praising what is going on. Swine Flu, and the Insurance problem.
Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO showed up on C-SPAN last thursday. I'll paraphrase - insurance costs are rising 5-12% every year. Within ten years, no one will be able to afford it (he forgot to leave out the filthy rich in that statement) unless something is done.
Well, it's not looking good, as both the House and Senate are still split down the middle and I don't see an end in sight. You are watching the end of the American Empire. The last act the government will perform is to loot the nation, which they may have already done by the recent deal-making with China. If we combine with any other country, our Constitution will be null and void. There was talk of an NAU not too long ago, and this may be part of the reason the American dollar is being destroyed. This is all information you can find in credible news sources, including the mainstream. I'm done talking about anything that doesn't come from it. I'll interpret what I can from the mainstream - and pray they are telling the whole story.
Long post. Your thoughts?
Philosophy -is- a joke. Admitted. It's great in some respects, but it is not applicable in -any fashion whatsoever- and unless you can write it and sell it, you are left with only the option of getting a PhD or teaching high school liberal arts courses that will likely have little to do with it. I love reading it - that doesn't mean I want to write thirty page papers on insignificant aspects of a specific author's works. He or she themselves may not have wanted that to be done...and hey, lets not forget. Every single job that requires a degree in Philosophy in the United States is receiving 500+ applications this year. Yeah. You heard me right. That's a factual statistic.
I mentioned working for my father's company today and someone who will remain nameless said, "GET OUT NOW" and, in a way, I take that as a positive thing. That tells me he thinks I'm better than that, and that means I damn well should be going back to college to do something. The reality is, I will be starting over likely regardless of my major, even if it is in the liberal arts or humanities. At least that means I'll have two years to fiddle around and think about it while meeting new people and being introduced to (hopefully) new ideas. I think because of my current circumstances, I can't really make a concrete decision. This is unfortunate, but I really do need to breathe in a different world before I start dedicating myself to anything...and I don't believe this is negative. If I'm wrong, shoot me I guess. But I really don't care.
I might be taking the SATs again as well. Brushing up on my math has reminded me this may be an option...I know I'm well above what any college desires for an entry level liberal arts student, so if I can master SAT math, I might be able to get close to a perfect score. Even though I'm 22, that would mean some really nice financial aid. And since it'll be exactly 5 years since I took them, I -should- be able to choose either one, if by some cruel twist of fate I score lower than I did before (which, I have to admit, is really unlikely - I did well, but I can do much better now. If I go back and read my journal entries from that period of my life, they are not anywhere near as coherent as these are today. And I was smoking marijuana.)
Yeah, that'se right. I quit for good. Kayla probably wouldn't like to hear that, but after all she needs to get away from it as well. While nobody I know can tell the difference when I am high, and when I'm not - this is also a fact - I can. I can certainly tell the difference. I can tell the difference in the coherency of my thought, and in my capacity to focus. The longer I go without it, the stronger I feel mentally and the more confident. I always thought of it as weight training for the brain, if it's used correctly. Most drugs are. But if you keep using, ultimately you're just going to end up wanting your dopamine kicks in ways other than reality can typically provide for, and that's not conducive to me finding a mate, getting a life, or having any real success. I would like to see it legalized still, but that is for alternative reasons. It's not healthy for people to -have- to buy 1/8th of an oz. at least any given time they want to use it. I want to be able to go to a corner store and buy a joint or two on the weekend if I so desire. I don't want to have an 1/8th of an oz. that results in me becoming an addict. I do imagine this is the case with most people who smoke it, whether or not they want to admit to addiction. Buying joints from dealers isn't cost effective, if you can even come across them, and most "friends" who smoke it - well, they don't want to sell off joints.
Ah yes, the friend issue. I had a couple dreams the past few days that really solidifed what's been going on for awhile now. You know, I let Val and Cookie in the driver's seat of my life for five years. I think maybe they enjoyed turning me into their slave, but I see those relationships for what they were now. I was willing to sacrifice my desires in life for theirs, I was willing to follow them wherever they wanted to go. But this is a pattern that has repeated itself for too long, and not just with them - with Matt as well. It's time I told Matt to go fuck himself, something I should've done a long time ago. I may not use such harsh words, but the relationship is drawing to its end. I don't want to associate with his kind any more, I don't want to associate with his hypocritical sister or her pussy-whipped husband, either. Jenn keeps calling me, for God knows what reason anymore - Matt is using her for rides to work and nothing more, and has already stated the relationship is over essentially to everyone but her. Cass and Mark have demonized her, even though I highly doubt they have ever had a real talk with her. She is the victim here - she was a victim of Matt cheating on her many times and she's a victim of Matt's ludicrous anger. Indeed, she is stupid enough to continue associating with him, but that's likely a result of her demoralized self-esteem, and I see myself in her for that reason. I used to be like that too. I put up with emotional abuse from Cookie for months because I didn't want to lose her. Finally, I stood my ground, but my twisted mind somehow regretted that for a very long time. I suppose it's because I couldn't see my own value - it never helped that most people don't like me, but hey - you know what? I'm smarter than most people, I'm from a middle class family in a poverty stricken region, and in general, maybe I seem a little snobby. But back in College, I was a center of attention and I never received anything but nice conversations and lots of smiles from everyone around me, including my professors. Probably because these people are a lot more like me than any of the individuals I have worked with, or went to highschool with, or met through various circumstances locally (as there is no college locally, therefore, they are all highschool graduates or dropouts in the working class.)
I'm actually finding happiness again, which is strange. And for some strange reason, I feel it's because I'm ready to send Matt out of my life. When we're out at the bars, people think we are brothers. This is simply unacceptable. He is nothing like me, I am nothing like him. I have chosen to educate myself with authors he refuses to touch, I desire something so much more than fuckbuddies, and I would cherish the opportunity to have a child with a decent woman who doesn't cheat on me. He's an asshole, and as has been proven before, when I am out by myself, the response I receive from people is entirely different. You are always judged by your posse, and this is something I've forgotten.
In other news, I'm under the impression we are watching the fall of the American Empire. I'll probably be stocking up on .223 rounds, and I'm going to try to get my hands on a semi-automatic .223 tactical rifle through various friends of my father. I already have a bolt-action .223, which has been my hunting rifle for years. I didn't realize .223s could penetrate up to Grade III body armor.
If the empire falls, shells will be worth a great deal. It's a worthwhile investment.
Why, do you ask, am I getting paranoid? Well, a neighbor predicted the ammunition shortage last year, long before it began. I also know a marine personally who processed anarchist protestors at the summit in pittsburgh a month or two ago. They were all expelled from colleges if they were involved.
Here's the catch: They were setup to process a large number of people before the summit even began. Maybe these anarchists are stupid, but something tells me they wouldn't openly talk about starting a riot in pittsburgh and give the armed forces foreknowledge of what they were planning to do. The US is printing more money right now than at any other time in recent history, likely to pay off China. This is going to cause incredible inflation, and don't expect the minimum wage to go up relative to it. C-SPAN callers are unanimously pissed off. I haven't heard a single call since I started watching it religiously praising what is going on. Swine Flu, and the Insurance problem.
Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO showed up on C-SPAN last thursday. I'll paraphrase - insurance costs are rising 5-12% every year. Within ten years, no one will be able to afford it (he forgot to leave out the filthy rich in that statement) unless something is done.
Well, it's not looking good, as both the House and Senate are still split down the middle and I don't see an end in sight. You are watching the end of the American Empire. The last act the government will perform is to loot the nation, which they may have already done by the recent deal-making with China. If we combine with any other country, our Constitution will be null and void. There was talk of an NAU not too long ago, and this may be part of the reason the American dollar is being destroyed. This is all information you can find in credible news sources, including the mainstream. I'm done talking about anything that doesn't come from it. I'll interpret what I can from the mainstream - and pray they are telling the whole story.
Long post. Your thoughts?
