What can you expect
May. 20th, 2002 08:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorthat's right, what else would you expect? A teacher today insulted me through sarcasm because he can't stand the fact i'm slacking the last few weeks of school. And the thing is he really hates me now, just because i sat in the back of the class and read for three periods straight, not bothering a soul. Funny how he'd be the only teacher to get pissed off at me for that, especially this late in the year.
The more i think, the worse everything seems to get. It's like i'm trying to convince myself life is pointless. I have to accept i'm going to have to move on and lose everyone sooner or later, or vice versa. Nothing is going to last, ever. The only point to living is the reasons you make yourself, because once you see beyond the walls that nearly everyone in this world has, you find that life really doesn't have a point, except for the above. I read all the time now, having nothing better to do. My friends are total assholes, and drugs are one of the other releases i have. Music maybe...though it usually makes me feel an emotion greater than before. I'm sick of all this self pity i have, sick of this depression. And every time i rant in here i'm sure everyone goes, "There he goes again, with all that self pity and wishing people would help him." Well fuck you if you think that. If you think that, you don't know me. I may rant a lot, or always act depressed and you may 'think' tha ti want your gods damned pity, but i don't. I pity myself, and i don't want your damn pity. I hate myself and i don't want you to hate me for reasons you don't even know. I want to live an existence i can bear, and here i cannot do that. This town is like the anti-thesis of everything that is supposedly good in life. There are drugs and sex if you want them, and that is it. This town has been sucking the life from me ever since i moved here, and i won't be able to move away for atleast another three years. I'm stuck in this living vampiric hell for another three fucking years. And everytime i pull out my knife to ponder cutting myself, the pondering goes a bit deeper than it should. I scare myself. And i'm stopping this entry here, before i force myself into a deeper part of the spiral.
The more i think, the worse everything seems to get. It's like i'm trying to convince myself life is pointless. I have to accept i'm going to have to move on and lose everyone sooner or later, or vice versa. Nothing is going to last, ever. The only point to living is the reasons you make yourself, because once you see beyond the walls that nearly everyone in this world has, you find that life really doesn't have a point, except for the above. I read all the time now, having nothing better to do. My friends are total assholes, and drugs are one of the other releases i have. Music maybe...though it usually makes me feel an emotion greater than before. I'm sick of all this self pity i have, sick of this depression. And every time i rant in here i'm sure everyone goes, "There he goes again, with all that self pity and wishing people would help him." Well fuck you if you think that. If you think that, you don't know me. I may rant a lot, or always act depressed and you may 'think' tha ti want your gods damned pity, but i don't. I pity myself, and i don't want your damn pity. I hate myself and i don't want you to hate me for reasons you don't even know. I want to live an existence i can bear, and here i cannot do that. This town is like the anti-thesis of everything that is supposedly good in life. There are drugs and sex if you want them, and that is it. This town has been sucking the life from me ever since i moved here, and i won't be able to move away for atleast another three years. I'm stuck in this living vampiric hell for another three fucking years. And everytime i pull out my knife to ponder cutting myself, the pondering goes a bit deeper than it should. I scare myself. And i'm stopping this entry here, before i force myself into a deeper part of the spiral.
