sathor: (Default)
I wouldn't know what else to call what happened Friday night - I've said more than once, even on here I believe, that the people I have working with me now in the warehouse are probably the best group of people I've -ever- had to work with - the way we all get along is simply fantastic. Comparing this group to the group that worked with me prior to that - two raging alcoholics and a seemingly abusive father/boyfriend - is like day a night. I had two of them (the third has a lot more responsibility than any of us) up for a campfire at my house. There was definitely some alcohol-induced debauchery, but before that we shot bow a bit, took a walk through the woods (I threw a tomahawk for the first time in my life, that was rather neat!) and a lot of talking.

As the night drew on and the fire got bigger, and we all got a little more inebriated, I'm not sure why the subject matter went where it did - but it did. Maybe it's simply because that is my truest nature and it got reflected out, who knows - but we started talking about souls, energy and other esoteric phenomena. Here's the thing. The sorts of knowledge and actions both of them (john and matt) were doing and empathizing with me over are simply not common knowledge. People don't just make this shit up on the fly, and unless they've been introduced to it at some point, it's completely foreign territory. That's where the synchronicity part comes in - been a long time since I've known anyone who really "got" that side of reality (if it is a side at all?) and to have both of them working with me in the same place at the same time - to have them at a campfire at the same place at the same time - was incredibly coincidental. So much so I'm basically shutting off the part of myself that's going, "yeah, this absolutely had to be fate, it's a sign of some sort" because if it is, then what? There's no proof that it is...but it is as strange a coincidence as I've ever experienced, and probably the closest thing to real synchronicity that I may have ever experienced as well. My last entry, for fucks sake, was talking about how I didn't think people were "awakened." What a way to slap me in the face.

Saturday, I was terrible hungover...and this is why I do not make a habit out of drinking. Eventually I managed to get myself moving, and yes, I knew I was in for it because there was YET ANOTHER party I HAD to attend this weekend (this one was more family oriented - one of my close friends and cousins comes up from North Carolina every year for this.) Needless to say I showed up VERY late, but was fed copious amounts of alcohol anyway - much to my disagreement. However, I don't feel hungover today, and I felt quite good all night long - which is fine. I suppose I had plenty of energy from all the people around and from all the sleeping off I did Saturday, after all.

There were a -lot- of young kids, some my age and younger, at this Luau. Why that is, I don't know - a lot more than any other year. Eventually, they were all kicked out - anyone "not family" (that was about 2am). There were some pretty girls to look at, but the male to female ratio was about 3-1 - and that's totally normal around here, I guess. Nothing there seemed all that interesting...so I spent most of my night chatting with Gabriel, Johnathan, his girlfriend and Adria. I suppose the night was mostly uneventful - I find it hard to lubricate my tongue with these folk for whatever reason, and it has been like that since I was a child. With Gabriel it's a bit easier, sometimes I think because he's simply more "in tune" than most folk, and some of that may have to do with the mind-opening experiences he's had. What really stuck with me from this party were the dreams I had while sleeping.

I'm not even sure I should describe it, but it was incredibly strange and I'm still trying to piece together the metaphors and meaning of this one. It began with a large party (fancy that) - except there were hardly any men. This is all women, and they were all dressed in what probably amounted to stripper's outfits. This didn't sit well with me. There was something very base, maybe even demonic, or at least dark, about the whole thing. Sex was everywhere. One of them in particular wouldn't leave me alone - she never really had her way with me; I guess I can be happy with that (although, it was a dream.)

At some point, my limit had been reached for tolerance of wanton displays of vanity, instant gratification and selfishness. I got the bright idea to end it - and how I was going to accomplish that, was by sacrificing myself into their ritual "lake". It had long, narrow pathways in some strange pattern, with columns and straight walls that went very high into the air. Thinking about it now, it very nearly reminds me of something I saw in a Lady Gaga music video - but it's hard to say for sure. In any case, on the top of the wall I was, and I jumped down. There I sacrificed myself. As I met death, I watched the twisted, overly revealing outfits on their bodies disappear, and their collective demeanor return to something much more "human" at least in my eyes...but the truth is, I think, that my generation is full of that type of behavior...far more than I'd ever want to admit...and enough so that I have a deep seated fear that there really -ISN'T- enough -REAL- love to go around.

The setting didn't change after my sacrifice so much, just the attitudes. And yeah, I was still around (dreams are fun, aren't they?) I found myself picking up a guitar case that looked mysteriously like my own and carrying it down a hallway - there a man told me, "You can play in here if you like" and he lead me through a doorway to a small, cozy living room. There were a few other men here as well (no women now - in contrast to previously, where it was all women.) Some of them had strange instruments I had never seen before - one -sounded- like a sitar, but operated nothing like one - when I asked, "Is that a sitar" his expression turned to one of complete disbelief - as if I had asked either a completely ridiculous question, or if he was surprised I asked one at all. At this point, I open the case up to find...something like a guitar, but not at all the same. It had probably forty or so strings, and it was horribly out of tune. I set myself to the task of tuning it - moving strings around as they had become crossed and tangled from disuse (apparently.) It was at this point I realized it wasn't my guitar at all - the case, instead of Fender, said, "Frontier." I managed to tune a small portion of the instrument and finally gave up - I played for a time, and it was incredibly beautiful music (my dream music always is...it's much easier for me to just "create" the tone in my head then it is to use any tool to play it.) The coolest part was probably that given the nature of the instrument, the tones actually made perfect logical sense - it was much like a 12 string, only more complicated - strings were right next to each other, resulting in natural harmonies without much work.

And that's the end of the dream. As you can see, no simple dream at all - quite complicated, but leaving enough of an impact that I felt I should write it down...even twelve hours later.

Hope all is well to those who still read.
sathor: (Default)
Further thoughts on the dream:

Looks like it was representative of Malkuth. I expected something more significant but it does make sense.

The maiden imagery associated with Malkuth is a young woman (a bride, the white makes sense) who has a veil over her face. I could not see her face, so this seems very appropriate.

Although I don't recall this from The Mystical Qabalah, it would appear in some instances the maiden is considered the bride of Kether (which equates with the Bride of God, or in other words the Goddess)

Which really makes me feel strange.

I used to be very Goddess focused until I had a broadened perspective in theology, and until I decided I wanted to move up and out of the Malkuthian spiritual and mental existence. My strongest, most vivid dreams always involved her, so to speak...the Goddess if you will, or a very powerful, important woman intrinsically connected to me. I made spiritual vows when I was younger.

The dream seems to be a message that my focus on the masculine since a certain point may have resulted in some of the problems that have arisen in my life. The maiden split the storm and brought me peace, showed me good will when everything else around me was destructive, dark and horrifying. I think this is a directive, not a representation or expression of something that has already occurred. It may be that I need to reconnect with something I have been hiding from for a very long time, since the end of my relationship with Val. I was never a true spiritualist since then...it ruined that in me.

Maybe it's time to dust off that part of myself and see if there's worth to it again.

Bad.

Feb. 1st, 2010 06:12 pm
sathor: (Default)
Another dream.

It began with me waking up in the forest. Deep in the forest behind my house. It was getting late, so I started walking towards my home.

I only went a short distance and came to a landmark. Here was a small grotto. Everything was lush and beautiful, it was late spring, I think. The sun was shining up above the canopy and there wasn't anything very dangerous. But I came across a massive female bear and her equally large cub, whom I did sense a good deal of aggression from, but they turned and fled. So I kept walking.

I was moving through the dense brush and undergrowth...lots of fallen trees and things that needed to be avoided. But it was not anything I couldn't handle. Just before the field though signaling the final stretch home, I came across the grizzlies again. And this time the mother lunged towards me threateningly, and I bolted. As I looked behind me, she followed for a moment but quickly became uninterested once more.

As I was making my way through the field, I saw lots of activity at the house. There's a pattern here. I saw lots of activity the prior time I had a dream involving my father, too. Something was going on - but I can't remember what. I remember there was something said about a well needing to be shut off before it could cause any damage. It was -very- strange, I do remember feeling that way. Not much was exchanged between my father and I at all, other than me talking to him about the grizzlies in the forest, whom apparently I had scared in his direction the first time, as he was working on aforementioned well at the time (I had passed it at the final interaction with the bears.) Just a normal average everyday interaction, where nothing meaningful is ever really said between us. Bleh.

This dream was frightening, okay. It was frightening in some instances the entire way through it. Not the one I wrote prior to this, I suppose I'm hiding the best for last. This dream was ridiculous.

I just remember another aspect of it. I'm very lucky because I think the themes are very important to remember.

The beginning of a dream had an internal dialouge, or maybe it was a dialouge to me, coming from a man wielding a runesword, apparently. This runesword allowed for the usage of portals. This man inparticular was good, I think - there was nothing frightening about him. But that section ends ubruptly, and I am cast into one of the worlds.

In this particular world, Val is here too. And apparently, I've been collecting runes, and so has she. But there's an individual who wants them very terribly, and for whatever reason, I am compelled to help him do so. I know he had something he held over her head, not literally, but metaphorically. There was some reason she was so willing to give up the runes. But it wasn't so simple, after all - they had to be collected. Things get fuzzy here. There was a lot of portal jumping and a lot of searching. But eventually, she found all of the runes she could find and gave them to this mysterious man. But it wasn't enough...luckily, i had the rest stashed away, for a rainy day apparently. Not that I didn't earn them.

After this, the sorceror disappears and we're left standing in my living room unharmed...things seem pretty normal. But for some reason there's a degree of love here, and something happens. There's a hug and a kiss, and from there it goes to where one would expect. I suppose it has something to do with the fact we accomplished something together, and that we helped eachother to get out of whatever that individual was holding over -our- heads. We're interrupted midway, however. And after the interruption has vacated the premisis, -she- finds her car keys and decides to leave. The way she words it, the way she just walks away after we shared that short moment in time together, I knew she didn't mean any of it. And suddenly I feel very dark. And suddenly I realize how hideous of a person she is for doing what she just did. And suddenly, I feel like I have a right to punish her. And I say something, very akin to, "You are lying to try and make yourself and me both feel good about what you are doing."

This is where the dream frightens me. It's me in the dream acting of course, it's me making those decisions, but it felt absolutely -not- like me at the same time. As she left my door I grabbed the back of her shirt, by her neck, and pulled then pushed - she fell to her knees but kept going, and I didn't chase. As she got to the car, a great spell was welling up in me. But the ramifications of this are just so absolutely horrifying. This may not be the scariest of dreams I have had, but it certainly has scared me senseless and probably with good reason.

"I am the greatest sorceror that has ever lived and you are going to regret this every day of your life."
"God - CAST HER DOWN."

And there was a great snap of thunder, and there was
a bright flash of light that lasted not nearly as long, and suddenly the world had changed. She had just turned the key in her ignition prior, and at this moment the door of her car literally fell off as if struck by a powerful unseen hand.

Storm clouds flashed into existence above, dropping a torrential rain. Winds picked up from the east immediately, so harsh they could knock a man over. It looked like a hurricane, and the terror that accompanied it I can not be sure was God granted or merely just my perception of the scene, so absolutely mindblowing it was.

My attention had been taken utterly off of Val, and I found myself drawn inside myself, as if I were in my final moments and I had just been judged. I felt like I was staring into the face of a vengeful, angry God beset by a fool like me. There was another flash and boom, the percussive force strong enough to knock you over itself.

And standing before me was a beautiful young woman, robed in silver and white, with long white hair. The rain seemed to part around her, and she was not afraid at all. I could not see her face, and she did not speak...but I knew she was there to see me.

The end.

The whole of this dream, really. It breaks down to the final moments. There was one time I touched Val in a coveting or -want to keep you here- manner, and that was in the back of Rick's car years ago. We had broken up weeks prior, but Rick apparently convinced her to come hang out with us and drive around, drink, etc. We were all underage for the record.

When he drove her home, she was sitting next to me in the back of the car. And I had taken the conversation where it needed to go...I really wanted answers, I really wanted an explanation for everything, I really wanted to understand what happened, what I did wrong. But she never could give me any answers, and my prying only ever made things worse. She moved to get out of the car and I grabbed her left wrist with my right hand. It wasn't abuse, it was me making a fucking gesture that probably, in that instant, meant more than any number of fucking words could have ever expressed. But ultimately, she used that against me too. I "hurt" her, left a bruise. No, I really doubt I did.

But this dream in particular, makes me feel a great deal of guilt. I never condemned another person, never asked God to condemn another person. But I may have asked for him, or her, or they to make them suffer like myself. To make -them- understand -what- they did to me - and in one other case...what they've done to others as well as myself.

This dream told me something. In my interpretation, I have been condemned for what I've done, spiritually or otherwise. The woman in white represented - and the key is here that I was not frightened of her, I was frightened of what was happening before she appeared - my salvation.

I might have to do some digging in qabalistic or other religious references to come up with a solid understanding of this. But I know this was a very archetypal dream, and I know it had very strong significance.

At the end of the dream, when I woke up, the feeling of condemnation still lingered, the feeling of utter horror and even being terrified of my own self was still there.

I really hope the woman, goddess, whatever she was in white really does come to my aid.
sathor: (Default)
I really need to try and recap these as much as possible. But I need a smoke to do it...be right back.

Okay.

I'm going to roughly outline both and then fill them out, hopefully this will allow me to get as much out of them as possible, as I feel these dreams fading very quickly.

The first was in a world not so unlike that of Camelot. There was a point where the wars I was involved in flashed into modern for a moment, but that did not last long. I was what amounts to something like a Knight of the Round Table. I did not know my name. I imagine the modern flashing was a moment of my own aggression, but also coming to a kind of understanding between the two seemingly different worlds...after all, what's so different between a foot soldier and a marine?

It started out with this imagining of the perfect keep, given the right natural circumstances...on top of a large hill or flatted mountain, with deep rivers, almost ravine like running along either side of it...and the only path up between those rivers, gated at least three times at various points. I almost think I was some kind of architectural knight, but I digress. It is hard to remember much of this one, unfortunately - I do know that I fought a won a few vital battles for my people...other than that...I remember most vividly waking up from a dead sleep in a keep and having to use a hand axe to fight off invading undead orcs, who simply did not bleed or die in a fashion one would come to expect of orcs.

Flash to modern. But this is hardly worth talking about. It was in exactly the same keep as the prior one, except no Orcs...only people I once called friends (and maybe still do, in some cases.)

But then I was back to being a knight again. And there was a very fair lady...she had ebony black skin, and she too was a knight of nobility. She was as intelligent as she was beautiful, and powerful...devastatingly so...and I was escorting her, in a large wooden, wheeled, open wagon, drawn by horses. There was a kind of ogre as well, but he must have been a slave servant, or made the choice not to be like his kin and instead help humanity. It's the only way I can justify what he did as opposed to what was done by what we met in the wilderness.

Before we left on our sorrowful trip, for what reason we did I've no idea, there was a good deal of...well, you know. Intimate interaction. No, I don't think we had sex, but I don't really like that in my dreams anyway, and probably wouldn't discuss it anyway even if I did have it in my dreams. This woman was perfect for me, you see, in every way. This is probably just representative of my narcissistic tendencies from a psychological standpoint, but take it as you will. Personally I like to think that dreams happen in a collective.

But she had to go, and I had to follow her, because she was worth it. So we set off. Nightfall came quickly...it was nearly pitch dark by the time we managed to get stuck. I could hear horrifying sounds in the night, coming closer - orcs, goblins, ogres or large wolves - something of that nature - and I knew it. Our servant ogre managed to almost get us out by pushing, but there was a sudden sickening sound as he was about to finish and I knew he was dead.

She was not armored, and neither was I, and we had not brought a good deal of weaponry - besides, most of our supplies had been scattered when we got stuck (it must've been more of a crash) She lept from the wagon and tried to hold off the giant creature that was coming on us fast. I was screaming, "I need a SWORD! NOT a CROSSBOW!" I think the crossbow would have been a good idea, in retrospect.

I finally found a sword, lodged underneath a large pile of debris. It was in a cloth sheath - I quickly removed that - and found myself looking at a beautiful piece of art. It was a curved, vicious looking blade, long and certainly effective I thought. So I quickly went to the aid of my damsel in distress, and held the blade threateningly in the face of a monstrous Ogre that probably doubled my own substantial height.

He too had a sword.

He swung, I parried. I feinted, he dodged, and as he swung again I brought my weapon up and slashed clean through half of his forearm horizontally. But the weapon didn't drop, surprisingly. More undead, I figure.

A few more moments passed before my next opportunity to safely enter his reach came about. When it did, I slashed through a greater portion of his neck. He still didn't fall.

This is where things get fuzzy - damn it for not being the last dream, but then, it didn't have any significant metaphors like the last one did. Something happened to her - I don't think the monster killer her, but she definitely was nowhere to be found at that moment. I turned and ran for the crossbow.

The end.

The second was modern - and essentially a partial extension of my own existence (there is a good deal of separation between this and the former dreams) and had some interesting people, and revolved mainly around my immediate family, and my aunt and uncle whom I'm very close to. This one had the most striking events, unbelievably so, and also a powerful metaphor at the end...it was like God was talking to me directly, I swear, through an african american I at first thought was a man (strange, isn't it?) or maybe he was a man...and he had a boyfriend, and it's just rather easier that I assume everyone is heterosexual. I should note it seems that in any given dream where there was a powerful message that feels necessary to remember, it always appears at the very -end- of all dreams, and I awake immediately from that - or was already awakening at those moments - and often times knew I was. They argue dreams don't occur right before waking up...personally, I will note, they can't read minds and brain wave activity isn't indicative of anything other than brain waves until they can turn it into a video/audio/text readout of what occurred in those dreams at those times, and have the individual verify it. I digress.

This particular dream started at a trailer of my aunt and uncle's. They used to live in one, a long while ago, before they started doing very well for themselves - but this was a trailer in a park much like the one M and C live in. A good deal of the family was there, and we were all meeting a famous comedian from Germany. Somewhat of an irrelevant aspect, but he plays a part in this. He's giving out shirts and the like, ones already set up to be framed and hung somewhere eternally as a tribute to his own existence. Somewhat pretentious, now that I think about it.

Well, at some point I manage to tip the trailer over as we're all in a second floor. This had a somewhat ridiculous way of happening - I fell on my back and my legs went flying up and over me to smack the side of the trailer, which resulted in it rocking and a moment of shock as everyone tried to counterbalance as it began to teeter more and more. I watched in horror as I realized I was underneath a massive china cabinet that, I knew, would shatter completely and send its tiny projectiles flying into me and everyone else. I moved to the left. Others were not so lucky.

The trailer toppled over, it smacked my mother head on and managed to get my father as well...everyone else seemed to get out of it unscathed. I was showered in pieces of glass but with no observable or sensible damage, I decided to see if everyone else was okay. My mother was unconscious - I went over to her and started trying to snap her out of it. Dad was getting up, more or less okay, but seemed eerily uninterested in my mother's condition. This entire fiasco is telling of circumstances lately back in reality, but I digress.

Well, the comedian decides to leave (I don't blame him) and I'm thoroughly embarrassed...my uncle tries to console me by saying that some car of some kind whizzed the alleyway in between causing the trailer to tip...but I knew better.

Well, my mother ended up being unscathed as well, but I made sure to tell her if she had any more random unconscious episodes that she needed to see a doctor.

But we all leave with the comedian in what was considered an "airbus" - which was just a car that fit roughly the same number of people as an SUV. It floated, I assume that must account for it being an airbus.

We arrive at a large celebration. I think it was an African American holiday. The comedian was racist. A large group of those celebrating (and therefore, they were all African American) were waiting where we stopped...one of them likely a valet of some kind, because I watched the white, german comedian drop a few coins into the cup, and then, infuriatingly so, throw a bunch onto the ground as if he were giving alms to the poor. But they weren't poor, and I don't think they were very appreciative.

I wander off at this point, and never reconnect with my family or the comedian. I spent a little while trying to find them, but eventually gave up, for the most part. I found myself in a large fair. I'll spare the details...or maybe I won't. But this will be painstaking.

I was running along these roadways designed for runners in the fair. They were brightly colored, flashing...seemingly plastic, but my bare feet held good grip for some reason. After a great number of these roadways, each designed slightly differently but just as striking as the last, I found myself at a water slide - which I managed to get myself out of (I have the feeling I was stuck on those roadways and looking for a way outside of them.)

But when I get out, I realize that I have no money to use a phone. Well...I turn around to the lady or man, whichever, who helped me out. And I say, "I've no money...do you have a couple coins you could spare?" And she/he says, "Yes, take all of it." And hands me a massive chunk of change which is immediately pocketed. I thank him/her and start walking away...but as I'm rummaging through my pockets, I realize she/he gave me some kind of bill as well - I pull it out, and I look at it for a moment...it looks like a TAROT CARD only for some reason I still think it's a bill, or at least, think it has some kind of value to him/her...so I take it back.

She/he grabs it from me and says, "Do you know what this is?" and I open my mouth to speak, but suddenly it changes from this tarot card into something else. She/he says, "This is a picture, signed by so-and-so - a famous baseball player. I swear he worked at a Sheetz, just like my boyfriend whom I love very much. But he used to talk about how it seemed like he would meet the strangest of people at the strangest of times." Then she continues, "Sometimes you get help from complete strangers, and you are supposed to get help from them."

The dream ends there. I wake up. I go and look through a graphical listing of tarot cards.

The tarot card was The Tower. "Because of circumstances beyond your control, you have no choice."
sathor: (Default)
To begin, I'm going to start tagging entries. I guess I never thought of doing this before...it will mean, hopefully, that more people will stumble on this journal I should just call "Journey"

This dream was very, very different. Maybe I shouldn't post all of them after all, but I feel a little obligated now...I've started on that path, and there's no point in screening it. Sexual dreams might get an lj-cut or something ;) Or maybe not!

I can start remembering it about the time my old classmates and I (yes, yes...i hardly ever have dreams about them, but New Years brought back a lot of old memories, or so the excuse must be) are all on a football field.

I actually played football for a year with a couple of them, but that's besides the point. There was a lot of us there. It was almost pro, in a way...a very strange way. There were some of the players dressed in full gear, others, like myself, in just normal clothes. It wasn't all of my classmates...nor was it consisting completely of people I knew.

I had the feeling we were on a field trip (football field, interesting combination.) An earlier part of the dream may have contained us going to there, wherever there was, but I can't remember - however the fact it is a field trip is verified later on.

What was really striking about the whole thing is my size versus most of them. It's something that I often forget about - I've lived with myself since puberty after all, for a lot more time than they have or anyone else has. I forget just how -huge- I am...if I really am 6'4", I'm at that upper echelon range of society. It's very rare that I come across men taller than me, and perpetually I -must- look down at people. This brings up Emple getting on a chair to talk to me on New Years ;D Zig told her too, hahha...but I digress. She is so -hot- it's ridiculous. Tiny girls are sexy.

A few plays are played, I knock a few people over with ease, fine. But after a certain point I'm outside the fence trying to get back in - except it's taking forever and the entrance seems to have been sealed up! Eventually they pull part of the fence down to let me in - but by the time I get nearly over, they've replaced the spot I was taking with a guy I remember who never grew past 5'3" or so. Interesting metaphors here - I was playing a "game" (of life?) for a long time, but eventually I stopped and started paying attention to the other people playing the game instead. I wanted to go back in to the game, but the door was shut and even though there were a few people who wanted to let me back in, I was still choosing something outside of it.

They all hop on a bus. I take some kind of fucked up high-speed street luge somewhere. The map of this particular city I know, because I've been here before in dreams, oddly enough...not too long ago, as I recall, and I am reminded of something later that jogs my memory of that. However, my knowledge fails me before I am reminded, and I end up somewhere very distant from where I originally planned on going.

I manage to avoid certain death from oncoming traffic and eventually I get the luge to skid to a halt, and I hop to my feet unscathed. Here I am, wherever here is. There's an old dilapidated house behind me, and an old woman before me. She seems a bit put off by my presence, but I pull out my (why don't we call it hitchhiker's guide?) and start reading.

The conversation between us went a little something like this. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, I happen to be traveling in this fair city, but I seem to have lost myself...I'm trying to get here..."
"Well, there's a lot of people I don't trust..." she gets a little weary of me, I figure she thinks I'm going to mug her or something!!

Someone else walks a long at that time which makes her a little less timid. Eventually, she's kinda flirting with me -rolls eyes at narcissistic self- but I manage to determine that -yellow- leads to the middle (or main street, if you will) So I follow...what is probably the modern equivalent of the yellow brick road (the yellow lit highway) all the way to the center of town. Where I meet up with my cousin Justin and a few others that were on the fieldtrip at a sushi restaurant (but first, at an apartment complex where we are all staying the night - I have a bunch of my -physical shit- with me somehow now, like a shelf and a desk). At the restaurant, I'm trying to figure out whether or not they have steak, but eventually I end up eating some kind of weird sushi that doesn't taste all that great.

And that's where this dream ends. Cool, huh?

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